‘bits. None of it did any good. The demon’s paunchy &”

‘grate and concrete and bones and steak, and his

Demon in check

One day the demon John Horton drank Royal Crown
Cola through a checkered cotton workshirt. The
starchy RC stimulated a lifelong overproduction of
stomach acid. The demon tried appeasement with the
angry organ, eating conch shells, lead pipe, mufflers,
baseball bats, batteries--acid & all--and jackhammer

   
 
 
  
  
 
 
  

gut barked and snaried like a hungry cur.

The demon was first noticed publicly when he |
disposed a barbecue pit (entire), wurst and coals and

reputation swelled when his quirky appestat
suggested he eat a ee church, lively sexton, good

at state ZOO

minister and all the congregation. After capture, the
Highway Patrol took him to the Curator of the High

‘s” Zoo, Elliot Massengil, inventor of the disposable

douche, who is seeing to the demon’s elaborate
confinement vessel.

He will be frozen rock hard in helium to his neck. The

head will be packed in cosmolene and wired to ignite
at the first bad thought. The demon knows this. Zoo
Officials privately say the thing's head will fall off
sometime tomorrow, or next week, and then will be
divided into five slabs and mailed to anxious
laboratories for analysis and, ultimately, disposal.

- TEXAS MAN DIES OF PROSTATE CYST
A Texas man, Bubba, greeted Charon yesterday

 

Flatbail is are) like this in Hell

 

The team of the Devil has won again. This makes 52 straight. No one
doubts the future. Hell i is predictable. The demon will return. Next
season. For the opener. | ‘To.pitch against Kerouac. Who will be killed by
the demon’s first pitch but return the following season. For the opener.

Have you ever played flatball? These balls have flat human heads at
their core--discus-sized--with squashed eyeballs. They will wrap around
a bat if you hit them wrong and if you connect, rocket into the bleachers
and kill fans. Here are a few basic rules of flatball:

. The bow cannot forever stand bent.

. Flatball is not the highest kind of enjoyment.

. In its time and place, flatball is as proper as prayer.

A batter's nostrils must be plugged with chlorofor med Q-tips.

. Do not turn your ass to a fellow player.

Baserunners must carry a pail of brickdust in each had.

. They must balance a pail on the head.

. Fans must shout, “Shake, baby, shake! You don't shake you don't

get no jellycake.”

9. No crowd is too small.

10. If the game ain't done when the sun goes down, it's played in the
dark.

. Different regions of Hell observe the rules differently. For example,
Hollywood, on the edge of the Salton, allows its citizens to play street
flatball on Sunday but no other day.

Flatball is the game of today and tomorrow. Pitchers die eating
flatballs on the mound. They have to take them away from umpires.
Nobody willingly gives them up. The game spreads beyond the stadium.
Even dogs can't get enough of this bali. Everyone and everything plays.
One ball feeds a thousand, another 10,000. Bali cloning comes to every

_ household. Nobody leaves for work until the game is over, and that takes
years. But everybody's fed. And happy. And that's the game that is
played with fiatbalis.

Meanwhile, there is the grisly business of the ball's manufacture,

_ which requires a steady supply of heads and access to cadavers. Plenty of

head will come to the surface of a tarry nuclear bog, free for the picking.

Transported to factory, these almost-fresh heads are soured with caustic

soda and lime and softened by wrapping in salt-water soaked gauze and

newspaper. They are flattened in vises with crushing force. Then they
are embedded in leather, stitched in by master sewers and put into play.

 

ONDRWAWN —

 

was briefly in critical condition at the nearest
hospital. It started on a talent program, when he
offered his gut to all comers for punching and for
charity. Five hundred asswhippers came. He
couldn't take it. He was brain dead a few hours.
His death was incurred by the bursting of a
prostate cyst. They say he laughed through the
first 1,000 punches, complained of a beltyache at

of mercy, God tucked him away at that point.

after taking 3,000 direct blows to the stomach. He

1,503 and spat blood from his penis at 2,908. Out |

 

Triple “Shatt

Beep Sha

Bottled in oa

 

 

 

Hy eppointment only ‘
oe 3IF-555. oe
 No.$Rue Date at

 

 

 

{by P. Hedrick, drosophilist The Provigy Shop

 

 

JARBALO FRUIT FLIES

Amen, a women and flying
fruit make this one a parable
fons our time. 50 pages. Ee se Z

Northwest Wichita's
Monster Outlet.

 

 

Macbirth. Maclife. Macdeath| CANNED ASSWHIP

Full-gestalt coverage.

| Machor]d. publications.

An effective, fast

 

 

aerosol deformant

 

UPD PVE ARSE