We don't know why they invited us back either.
TONGUE IN BEAK
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7.2005
8A THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN ▼ GOODNIGHT ▼ RESPONSIBLE BAR
Letter from the editor
BY OWEN MORRS
tinb@kansan.com
TONGE IN BEAK ENG
Dear readers.
This semester is coming to a close and so with it is Tongue in Beak. As some of you may have heard, or perhaps could have guessed from reading it, Tongue in Beak will not return for the spring semester. Yes, it's a sad fact that the Tongue in Beak plant is being boarded up with our jobs outsourced to India. No one is really to blame for this though. It is just that the Kansan, your daily newspaper, has decided that satire is cheapening its sacred pages and instead it wants to focus more on tough, hard-hitting news pieces such as "Sorority collects cans" or "Athlete has heart." While I am deeply saddened by this news, I want it to be known that I am not beaten. Instead, I am cutting my losses and moving on to other jobs. Bigger jobs. Better jobs. Like those at Taco Johns or Pride Cleaners. Don't worry, I'll continue to make quasi-witty, funny ha-ha but not funny laugh-out-loud remarks. Only they will be to myself and you won't be able to skim the headline of them.
Of course no man can write, edit and design an entire section by himself and I feel blessed to have the tremendous staff I've had this semester. Having to tell my employees that their jobs were no more — and then beating them, caging them and having them all put to sleep — was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. They helped make this semester one of the top five or six of my college career and I owe my work ethic, strong moral values and at least one child to them.
Finally to you — the reader — my sincere thanks. Your notes, kind words, e-mails and letter bombs have meant the world to me and have inspired me to never write again. I hope that you have derived a little pleasure and maybe even a laugh or two from Tongue in Beak now and then. Tongue in Beak may return someday, but that day is not the first Wednesday of next month so enjoy it while you still can.
Thank you,
Owen Morris
The Rock to now use honor code
BY OWEN MORRIS
tinb@kansan.com
tinb BEA WRITEER
Following the example of the University of Kansas School of Business, the popular Lawrence bar, The Rock, has decided to implement an honor code to catch underage drinkers. Instead of providing identification, patrons will now have to verbally promise that they are 21.
"Underage drinking is one of the largest problems this city faces," said co-owner Jim Schleenor. "So we decided to tackle this problem academically. We figured what works for KU can work for us."
While an honor code has been used at many universities to discourage cheating among students, The Rock will be the first bar to use it to discourage underage drinking. Although proponents insist it will help curb underage drinking and make drinkers feel more responsible, the plan has come under fire from many critics, including local authorities, who said it would make it easier than ever for minors to enter The Rock.
"I think the entire policy is ridiculous," Lawrence police sergeant Riley Tippin said. "What's to keep these kids from lying about their ages?"
Co-owner Bob Doody said The Rock understood the authorities' concerns and beefed up its policy even more.
"We knew some people might lie about their age so we actually made it a double-honor code," Doody said. "Not only do you have to say you're over 21, but a friend of yours has to vouch for you too."
"I think it is a great idea," 21-year-old freshman Jessica Blair said. "Having to carry around my driver's license was such a hassle, but now I just leave in my dorm room."
Nickey Patterson, a 21-year-old junior at Lawrence High School, agreed. "I could go to any other bar because that is what 21-year-olds like myself can do, but I choose The Rock because I really like the ... the
... drink specials," Patterson said as he finished his $4 bottle of Coors Light.
The Rock has gotten into trouble in the past for possession by minors and many said it was specifically targeting The Rock after it built a jungle gym in the early 90s on its premises. Doody insisted that The Rock's main priority was catering to legal drinkers.
"The Rock wants to be known as the premiere bar for all of the 21-year-olds that live in GSP and Corbin," Doody said as the bar became filled with a mixture of sweat and Axe cologne Friday night. "Everybody knows that our customers are responsible and make good choices once they enter our bar. So we assumed we'd just carry that over to identification."
CAMPUS NEWS
Student who keeps bragging about having sex in library has obviously never had sex in the library
BY OWEN MORRIS
tinb@kansan.com
TONGUE IN KANSAN WRITER
The fifth floor of Lewis Hall was once again regaled Tuesday with Topeka senior Matt Yorke's obviously fictitious tale of having sex in the library.
"I heard you guys talking about Watson, and I don't want to brag or anything, but you know, I've gotten down and dirty in the stacks." Yorke said, interrupting a conversation two floormates were having about the Pay-to-Print program. "I don't want to sound dirt...hey! Where are you guys going? You didn't hear my story!" Yorke yelled as the two men got up to leave.
"It sounds just like he stole it directly from one of those Penthouse letters," his roommate, Wichita freshman Dan Gill said. "I mean, it is not even slightly believable."
Gill estimated he had heard the story at least 45 times.
"It started earlier this semester when he came home one night and said that he had
just kissed this girl in the library. By that weekend, he had turned it into full-blown sex, and now when he tells the story it sounds like he was involved in a Roman orgy in the stacks. The dude lies about everything. He still won't tell anyone why he's a senior but lives in the residence halls."
Yorke claimed that the story was 100 percent true.
"Man, you couldn't make something like this up. I mean, so there I was minding my own business, when this smoking hot librarian comes up to me
and is all like 'hey cutie' and then she just started grabbing me and stuff, and next thing I knew we started going at it. Then after about five minutes, her librarian friend appears, and I guess she was lonely from working all those nights in the library, and she starts licking her lips, and she asks "ooooh, can I join?" I mean, it was amazing." Yorke conservatively estimated that he has had sex with more than 900 girls even though Gill said he had never seen Yorke actually have a girl in their bedroom.
SCHOLARSHIP HALL EDITORIAL
Stalking is such a harsh word
BY OWEN MORRS
tinb@kansan.com
tinb BY LAWR WRITE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Anne. I don't know where you think you're going so fast. Your next class isn't until 3:30, and you usually show up a couple minutes late to it anyways — three minutes and 20 seconds late on average, to be exact. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I follow you around everywhere, or as you put it to Susan last Thursday in that Facebook message you sent her, you think that I'm stalking you. I thought that was harsh, but then yesterday a policeman served me a restraining order that ordered me to leave the bushes in front of your house. What gives? I thought we had an understanding. I hope you don't seriously think that I spend my every, waking moment doing nothing better than thinking about you and the way you would look dressed up in a dominatrix outfit. No, I've gotten over that. Rest assured that the leather skirt you keep on the far-right side of your closest is more than enough for my fantasies these days. Come on. I'm not some weird sicko.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most perfect guy in the world. I apologize again for breaking into your house when you were there. I had just assumed you had gone to have breakfast with Tracy like you do almost every Wednesday. Trust me, I was just as surprised to see you in your bathroom as you were to see me. Scaring people is not my style. I don't like face-to-face contact. That's just another reason you shouldn't fear me; call the cops on me or call me a stalker.
Personally I prefer the term "observer." Stalking is just so politically incorrect. It has too many negative connotations, and it brings up so many memories. It makes me think of this girl named Lauren. She used to call me a stalker, too. Lauren was a lot like you, but with fewer pairs of shoes. I guess I just have a certain type of girl that I love to "observe." Annie and I had a connection — one that did not involve the police. Because Annie was so nice to me, I returned the favor by letting her pets live. Not that I am threatening to kill your pets. It's just that accidents happen, especially to people like yourself that can't appreciate some good, wholesome human interaction.
★ Tongue in Beak is satire (or at least tries to be) and should not be taken seriously.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some observing to get back to. By the way, my car is in the shop right now, so if I could just ride in the backseat of yours for a couple of days, that would be great.
Roommates stuck to the couch?
Kansan Classifieds
• Find them a job. • Find new roommates. • Sell the couch.
free technology & research skills workshops
Paid for by KU