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2005
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WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9,2005
ACOS.
PAGE 5A
WWW.KANSAN.COM
Breaking up is easy to do
HUMP DAY
Not every relationship is like this, but we've all gone through one.
I live life by three simple rules. Never wear flip-flops to a urinal, never eat meat out of a vending machine and never lose a friend to a dominated relationship.
A buddy finds a new significant other who changes everything about him and erases all his friends. Meanwhile, a squadron of pals is left hanging and the friend is nowhere to be found. The Super Bowl is on, and he's shoveling the snow off her sidewalk.
It is time to break the ritual of "boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl makes boy watch The Notebook."
There are a few likely places to find your friend. Those places are a Ryan Cabrera concert or pottery class. The most likely spot, however is at a mall, carrying all her bags.
The guy who walked himself into this trap is defenseless against the witch-like powers of the cunning female. His only chance at redemption is through you, the best friends. If you let him spiral downward much longer, he will be a lost cause.
All hope is not gone. There is a way to get him back, and this is how.
Then, he will never be honest and tell you exactly where he is. He doesn't want his pride hurt.
First you have to locate where he is. When doing this you need to remember a few things.
The reason a mall is a likely place to find the couple is that not only can they buy clothes, but they can take family portraits for the holiday card they plan on sending to friends and family. You probably won't get a card, though.
ERIC JORGENSEN opinion@kansan.com
The second thing you need to remember is that he won't look the same. He will likely be wearing a giant knitted sweater. Depending on the season, the sweater may vary in design. Look for cornucopias or reindeer on the sweater for the upcoming holiday season.
She will probably ask him to wait with the bags until she goes first. While he's waiting, one friend approaches him and tells him there is an emergency. He will be surprised and disappointed you found him in his new habitat.
You need a good lie to get him to leave his girlfriend in the bathroom. Tell him his favorite super model is signing underwear in Victoria's Secret. If that does not work, head-butt him and drag him away as quick as possible.
After finding him, here is what needs to be done: You and two other friends have to wait for the time she finally lets him go the bathroom.
Supplementing his disastrous wardrobe, his hair will be parted, and he will be clean shaven. There's a chance he may be tooting a tiny, Paris Hilton-esque dog in a little pink handbag.
While the boyfriend is distracted or unconscious, the other two friends will enter the women's bathroom. One will carry a camera; the other will be wearing a trench-coat and nothing else. The friend with the coat on should now take it off. Make
sure both friends have ski-masks so she can't identify you.
Kick the door to her stall open.
She will then have a look of surprise on her face. That look should resemble an "O-face." As the naked man jumps close to her face, the friend with the camera should snap as many pictures as possible. The pictures will resemble moments of infidelity.
Scamper out of the bathroom and into a safer environment. Make sure to bring the boyfriend with you, it will make her even madder.
After the pictures are developed, show them to the boyfriend. Tell him how sorry you are, but it is obvious she's not interested in him. Throw in a "She wasn't good for you" and a "She hates kittens."
Meanwhile, send duplicates to her and threaten to send them to her family and post them on the Internet. Between his anguish and her future being ruined, there is no way they will stay together.
All this may seem a little "hasty," "unethical" or "just plain wrong." But who's to judge you?
Machiavelli wrote if the ends justify the means, do it. Are male, full-frontal nudity and a little blackmail worth keeping your friend? Absolutely it is.
Don't accept "I'm spending time with Sarah's family," or "Catherine and I are crocheting scarves" as answers to your invitations anymore. Get out there and save your friend before he slips into the black hole that is "Uber-whipped."
- Jorgensen is a Baldwin junior in journalism.
Free All for
Call 864-0500
Free for All callers have 20 seconds to speak about any topic they wish. Kansan editors reserve the right to omit comments. Slanderous and obscene statements will not be printed. Phone numbers of all incoming calls are recorded. Instant message the Free For All at "aikeforealr."
I'm a girl! I'm a girl!
Is it just me, or is 97.3 the new biggest poser station in the KC metro area? They said they are Kansas City's original rock station, and then they played Beastie Boys "Intergalactic." That is not rock.
I just did an Irish carbomb! Tonight's going to be awesome!
You should probably go to The Hawk, and you should probably make out with a lot of people, and then you should wear a shirt that shows off your pink bra, and that would probably make you the coolest person at KU.
SafeRide does not answer I don't even know what I'm talking about though.
Chimneas are sweeping KU.
I can't beat Rick Bruiser on Punch-Out!
So you know when you fall in love, and then the guy breaks your heart, and then one of your friends messes around with him, and then you want to beat your friend's head against the DJ booth? Is that just me?
To the girl who was wearing the Bucknell sweatshirt: I swear to God, if I wasn't already late for class, I'd kick your ass.
+
KU Basketball starts tomorrow!
Hey, Mr. Free for All, can I take you home for Christmas and introduce you to my parents?
I haven't had sex in almost a year. Does that make me a virgin?
My girlfriend just said she never needs to call Free for All, because she doesn't need to feel like a faux celebrity. Well, screw that! I'm Tom Cruise!
What a weekend. First Kansas beats Nebraska, ending a 36-year streak, and then the Kansas City Chiefs come back in dramatic fashion to win against the Raiders. I have a 15-page paper due tomorrow, but I don't even care.
I was just told by a 50-year-old Jayhawk fan that I wasn't even a thought in my parents mind when we last beat Nebraska.
Our offense is awesome, our special teams are insane, and our defense is not human. Texas better watch out.
You know, 36 years isn't long, considering the world has been around for billion of years.
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CRAPTACULARI
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
Students' ignorance of current events will come full circle
I don't quite know how to put this, but what's going on in Washington is, well, kind of a big deal.
Now, I'm not the type of person who engages in political debates on a regular basis, nor am I a person who normally gives a damn about what's going on in Washington.
Politics are boring. They're boring, they're stupid and frankly, no one our age cares about or understands them. Watching the news is about enticing as having sex with Dick Cheney.
For those of you like me who get their news from 'The Daily Show' and the Kansan, I'm sorry to say this, but it's time to switch to CNN or pick up The New York Times, because something big is rumbling in the stomach of the Capitol.
BETSY MCLEOD
opinion@kansan.com
It's time to wake up and pay attention, because your future's on the line.
Teddy Roosevelt once wisely advised Americans to "walk softly and carry a big stick." It seems our motto now is to stomp around and beat people
It's our generation that's going to be left with a torn and tattered economy, a mess overseas and no health insurance to give us anti-depressants after we realize it's our responsibility to clean up the mess that's been made.
Come on, we should be outraged at our America. What have we become?
People started paying attention when the White House kept stonewalling an investigation on the misinformation that led to the war in Iraq and when Lewis "Scooter" Libby was indicted for lying to the American people about matters of international security.
Half the reason things are so screwed up around here is because people, like most of us, just don't care. Take a look around, fellow victims, at the country we will soon inherit. I'm disgusted with the morals our country has become accustomed to, and I hope that our generation will be the one that will return America to the values set forth by our grandparents.
up with a tree branch.
American policy has always been to only engage in war when national security is under a direct threat. There never were any weapons of mass destruction.
For those of you like me who get their news from The Daily Show and the Kansan, I'm sorry to say this, but its time to switch to CNN or pick up the New York Times, because something is rumbling in the stomach of the capital."
CIA envoy Joseph Wilson, in a preliminary investigation in 2002 of a supposed weapons transaction, concluded that, "I have little choice but to conclude that it was highly doubtful that any such transaction had ever taken place."
Senator John McCain wrote an amendment that would prohibit cruel or degrading treatment of prisoners "regardless of nationality or physical location."
It is now suspiciously evident, according to Newsweek, "...that the Bush administration, and in particular the powerful, secretive vice president, willfully bent the facts to lead America into the Iraq War."
Two thousand soldiers have lost their lives in that war, and for what?
Vice President Dick Cheney has vehemently tried to convince the senator to omit the preceding condition.
A new scandal in the news is the government's nonchalant position on torturing detainees in prisons outside the United States. New reports have confirmed that the inhumane treatment of prisoners at Abu-Gharib wasn't anything unusual.
We are violating the very policy we tried so hard to acquire in the Geneva Convention after WWII.
As Senator John McCain eloquently put it, "This isn't about who they are. This is about who we are. These are the values that distinguish us from our enemies."
What values do we stand for? We no longer care about the well-being of the country, because it all seems hopeless. Nothing we do will change what's going on in Washington. But we are the hope for the future.
By ignoring the news and not caring about what's going on in our nation, we are simply empowering the corrupt politicians who put us in this miserable position in the first place.
The less we know, the less equipped we are to bring our country back to what it stands for.
My ancestors challenged the British to ensure that I could grow up in a free country.
It is our responsibility to pay attention to the issues now so that when next year, an election year, rolls around, we take advantage of the rights we have and elect people who will truly represent our values and secure our future.
My parents protested and marched on Washington so I'd grow up in a country of equality.
My two grandfathers fought in WWII in the hopes that I could grow up in a safe country.
This is your wake-up call.
Our future is at stake. Good night, and you stay classy, KU.
I sat around and watched The Daily Show.
♦ McLeod is an Overland Park sophomore in journalism and French.
Don't confuse myths and science
I would like to compliment Dustin Elliott, a biochemistry major who hails from Overland Park, on being a stunning example of the type of student that will be produced by Kansas schools if science curricula fail to teach the scientific method and instead succumb to the confusion between true science and mythological musings.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
In his Nov. 7 article, Elliott correctly states that our understanding of evolution is shaped by the formation and testing of hypotheses.
Further, he misunderstands basic evolutionary biology. He presents microevolution and macroevolution as competing theories by supporting one and attempting to refute the other.
his own intelligent design "hypothesis" to the same standards, accepting it as "a plausible explanation" of the origins of life on Earth without requiring it to be evaluated by any of the observational and experimental methods employed by true scientists.
These two realms of evolutionary biology differ in the
time scales at which they investigate evolution, but they go hand-in-hand by linking things like genetic variability and natural selection with processes such as speciation and extinction.
Elliott has glossed over the resounding evidence that supports both micro- and macroevolution while he confuses creation stories with good science.
Heather York Lake Geneva, Wis., Ph.D. candidate in ecology and evolutionary biology.
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