Like the Free for All; only less amusing.
TONGUE IN BEAK
4B THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN EMPLOYEE BENEFITS
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2. IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2005
▼ EMPLOYEE BENEFITS
Faculty seats move to giant net above court
BY DANNY LUIPINO
tinb@kansan.com
TONGUE IN WAER WRITER
The KU Athletics Department announced Tuesday that faculty seats for men's basketball games have once again been moved.
Faculty members, already displaced from their original seats by members of the Williams Educational Fund and moved to obstructed views behind standing students, will now observe the games from a giant hanging net to be suspended from the ceiling on the south end of Allen Fieldhouse.
The former faculty seats will now be occupied by the household pets of Williams Fund members.
basketball. They've earned it."
"We are extremely excited about this new seating arrangement," Lew Perkins, athletics director and Sith Lord, said. "Faculty members who were unsatisfied with their obstructed views will now enjoy the most unique perspective in college
Perkins was enthusiastic about the fact that Allen Fieldhouse would be the first Division-I arena with hanging seating.
"You look all across this country, you will not find any other basketball program with the vision to dangle its faculty from the ceiling," Perkins said. "From now on, when somebody thinks of giant nets filled with people, they will think of the University of Kansas."
Illustration by Taylor Miller
Williams Fund members applauded the move, and have voiced a strong desire to enjoy the games with their pets.
"To say that basketball can only be enjoyed by people is incredibly ignorant. I'm glad that the Athletics Department has finally recognized the right of animals, like my little Buster, to enjoy the sport we assume they love," Ken Sutherland, Williams Fund member and Leawood optometrist, said. "Also the fac-
utty was so rude. I once had to ask one professor three times to get me and my wife a drink before he even budged. His action made me think twice before donating money for new leather seats aboard the team Lear-Iet."
Sutherland said that he planned to bring Buster, a Miniature Schnauzer, to every game, dressing him in a homemade KU sweater and stocking cap, unless something more degrading could be fashioned. Faculty members released a unified statement condemning the decision.
"We do not appreciate Lew Perkins and the Athletics Department patronizing us by pretending this move is for our benefit when clearly they are shamelessly suckling at the teat of the Williams Fund," the statement said.
Perkins was not concerned about the dissatisfaction of the faculty.
kins said, "Don't they know they are expendable? This university needs professors like I need another scandal. These ungratefuls should be lucky we are even bothering to build them a giant net.
"What? I can't believe these minions are complaining!" Per-
sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with having to clean Allen Fieldhouse after each and every game. All we are charging for all this is just a small, slight 500-percent markup on their tickets. They should be shining my shoes for such a great deal. Actually that's part of the new agreement also."
"Under this new agreement not only do they have a great view but they now also get the
Philosophy teacher who dresses as homeless man actually just homeless man
BY OWEN MORRIS
tinb@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITE
Administrators at the University of Kansas were shocked to learn that the homeless dude-looking professor, who had been teaching philosophy for the past three semesters was, in fact, not a professor but just a homeless dude.
LOCAL NEWS
Lionel Hitchens was apparently just looking for a warm place to sleep when he wandered in front of a Philosophy 160 class in Snow Hall. The students in the class, mostly freshmen, never questioned the fact that the rather unkept man with an odor problem and a scraggly beard was not their real teacher.
"He was so convincing, I always thought he was commenting on our superficial value of money by starting each class asking everybody in the front row if they had some spare change," Allison Daniels said.
"Before this class, I had no clue just how important Thunderbird and Boons-Farm were to 20th century philosophy."
"I loved how accessible he was," Jeremy Griver said. "My other teachers, I would get lost trying to find their office at the bottom of Wescoe. With Professor Hitchuns, if I was ever walking down Mass. Street, he'd be the one approaching me."
While Philosophy 160 is officially titled "Important Philosophers of Post-Industrial Society," students said that Hitchuns spent most of the time in class discussing how the U.S. government "screwed over Vietnam vets by putting radio transmitters in their brains."
Despite not following the curriculum nor having a college degree, Hitchuns almost always earned high marks on professor evaluation sheets.
"Good control of subject. While his knowledge of objec-
INTERNET
tivism might not be the greatest, his knowledge of the dumpsters of Lawrence is next to none," wrote one student on Hitchuns' evaluation sheet.
Another wrote, "At times it seemed as if he was wearing a sleeping bag and nothing else but, unlike my other teachers, at least he spoke some English."
Hitchuns was unavailable for comment, saying he was, "too busy preparing for an upcoming conference in Orlando."
Girl hides depression by making Facebook profile happier
BY OWEN MORRIS
tinb@kansan.com
tinb in BEAK WRITE
Even as Ashley Tine's life slides farther and farther into a deep, dark depression of which there is no sign of hope or escapement, her Facebook profile continues to radiate happiness and goodness.
For the fourth time in five days, Tines updated her profile, hoping that by appearing increasingly jolly to the outside world it would somehow help snuff out the ever-increasing angst that she feels inside her. So far, the facade has worked amongst all of her Facebook "friends."
"Man, Ashley must be having a blast," Patricia Clancy, former roommate said. "She has 230 friends at KU now. I bet she's never lonely. She must have people calling her all the time."
Clancy, like all of Tine's friends, has failed to see the warning signs. Tines has had many difficulties adjusting, ever since she changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'single' after the breakup with longtime high-school boyfriend Max Whitikar.
LIFE STYLES
Sorority girl shows silly side with Urban Outfitters shirt
BY DANNY LUPINO
tinb@kansan.com
tinb@LE WRITE MARKER
In an attempt to show potential suitors her fun personality, a member of Alpha Beta Theta sorority purchased a humorous T-shirt from the popular clothing store Urban Outfitters on Monday.
Annie Smoot, Olathe sophomore, said she thought it was important for the males on campus to recognize that her sense of humor was a substantial part of who she was as a person.
"I'm tired of guys thinking that I just pretty and I'm
not any fun to talk to." Smoot said. "I think once they see this T-shirt they will realize that I am a fun person to be around."
The shirt, which Smoot plans to wear for the first time on Friday, includes an outline of the state of Kansas and text reading "Not everything in Kansas is flat."
"It's funny because I live in Kansas, which is flat, but I have boobs, which are round," Smoot explained. "I know lots of people already have this shirt, but that shows how funny everybody else is, and I need to catch up or guys will never like me."
CLASSES
Professor wins over class with Napoleon Dynamite drop-in
BY ERIC SCHAUMBURG
tinb@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BACK WRITE
After three months of trying biology, professor Dan Axtell finally won over his Biology 105 discussion class with a well-timed "Napoleon Dynamite" drop-in last Tuesday.
The 12-year veteran of the University of Kansas finally saw his chance to show the class just how hip he was when the discussion turned to that of the impending pandemic, known as the Avian Bird Flu. As the conversation came to a quiet moment, Axtell sensed his opportunity and responded by posing to the class, in his best "Napoleon Dynamite" impersonation, the
I don't know where it came from. I guess I'm just a cool crazy guy ... who just happens to get paid by the University to teach."
Dan Axtell
Biology professor
Biology professor
question, "Do the chickens have large talons?" The class, having returned from a late night of Halloween festivities, was at first a little hesitant to respond.
"I wasn't sure at first if he was quoting 'Napoleon Dynamite' or seriously asking if the chickens had large talons," freshman Mary Albot said. "But then, the guy who always smells like weed and sits in the back of the class started laughing and soon I was laughing too. I didn't even know
people still quoted that move
but leave it to Professor Axtell."
Axtell, who tells his student to no avail to call him the Axeman, claims the drop-in was spontaneous.
"I don't know where it came from." Axell said. "I guess I'm just a cool crazy guy ... who just happens to get paid by the University to teach."
Axtell has tried repeatedly to entertain the class before Tuesday, using analogies such as contractile
vacuole systems of a cell to a keg tap, Mark Mangino as the earth, and Oxygen and Carbon as the "real life 'O.C.'" but with little avail. "The guy tries really hard to relate to the kids," Zach Reinforce, Minnesota freshman, said. "He thinks we're laughing with him when actually, it's more at him. I'm only doing it because I have to sit in the front row and feel really badly for him."
Axtell said he's always been a bit of a claown.
"I've always been known as one of the 'funny teachers' since I got here. To me, cracking a joke ain't no thang," he said.
★ Tongue in Beak is satire and should not be taken seriously
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