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WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2005
WWW.KANSAN.COM
PAGE 7A
Hellish Halloween: A couple of real jerks
HUMP DAY
It's that slutty time of the year. Don't we love it?
Halloween is the best holiday of the year, so dust off the "Maverick" and "Sexy Cop/Nurse/School Girl/Custodian/Baseball player" costumes, and lace up.
In the spirit of this special day, I have prepared a tasty treat for you, a special edition of "Hump Day." I will show you the only thing scarier than Tom Selleck in a Playboy Bunny outfit.
I will reenact the conversation of the couple everyone hates. You know the one.
They argue in public with no regard for anyone around them. In this case, we find the anguing couple at a Halloween party.
Dale: Rum and coke? I said I wanted a Bud Light!
Dale: What do you mean diet?
Are you implying I'm festively plump? You're the one who hit the freshman 15 a little hard!
ERIC JORGENSEN
opinion@kansan.com
two pounds.
**Dale:** At least it squeezed you into that stupid Jane costume you thought would be so great. I can't believe I wore this drag queen Tarzan toga that barely covers my nether regions. You're unbelievable. I actually wore my good underwear for this.
Tracey: Speaking of underwear, I found that magazine in your drawer.
Tracey. You're telling me your roommate hides his porn in your dresser?
Dale: That's not mine! It's my roommates!
请保持桌面整洁，避免灰尘、烟雾等物品随意放置。
Dale: Whatever, at least it gets me off once a month, which is more than I can say for you.
*Awkward 30 second pause*
*Dale: This candy corn is exquisite. Have you had some?
*Awkward 30 second pause*
Tracey: I've told you a million times. I hate candy corn! Don't you know anything about me? My great-aunt choked on an abnormally large piece of candy corn! Don't you ever listen to me?
Dale: I'm sorry, what'd you say?
Tracey. Ugh. See what I mean?
Tracey: You are such a... Hey, why don't you stare at that girl's ass a little more?
Dale: Maybe I would have heard it if you hadn't said it in that shrill, banshe-like tone.
Dale: What? Honey, you know. I have a thing for witches.
Dale: Since the invention of Brazilian wax. You know, you should probably...
Tracey: Snookens, since when did witches start wearing knee-high boots and skimpy mini-skirts?
Tracey: Dale, if you want me to get one, just tell me. Stop beating around the bush.
*Dale:* Beating around the bush?
I practically need a machete to navigate the jungle down there.
Tracey: You're not so tame yourself, Dale. Also, stop telling your friends that I have a birthmark that looks like the Virgin Mary. Speaking of virges, here comes Katie.
*Katie passes by.*
Tracey: "Hey, Dale?" You're having sex with her! Don't try to deny it!
Katie: Hey, Dale.
**Dale:** Baby, baby. I would never.
You're the one I want to pile-drive.
Tracey: I know you poked her on facebook.com.
Dale: Yeah, sweetie, but she didn't poke back.
Tracey: She can't poke anatomically like you can, if you can even call that poking.
Dale: What? New subject!
Please get me another beer out of the fridge.
Dale: What is your problem?
You're raising your voice at me!
Tracey: Anything for you, darling. Should I also shut the door to the fridge when I'm done? Because that's something you always seem to forget when you come to my house!
Tracey: What's my problem? If it's a humid day, everything condenses and a puddle forms at the bottom of the fridge that I always end up cleaning. If you really loved me, you'd remember to shut the door all the way!
**Dale:** Ssh, everyone's staring.
You're embarrassing me.
Tracey: The only thing embarrassing about this is what you're hiding underneath that join cloth.
Dale: Excalibur is a fine instrument of pleasure. He does not warrant this criticism.
Tracey: So is Felicity. And she doesn't need Excalibur. I have a vibrator for that. It never gets "too drunk" to finish the job.
*Date:* That was one time! And maybe if Felicity wasn't lined in Nerf, I could finish without chafing.
Tracey. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Dale: No, I want to hang out with my friends and finish my beer.
Tracey. Fine, I'm leaving. Have fun with your "friends."
Dale: I'll just have Katie the Wick keep me company. You e-c...
*Dale:* What? You c-... you...
complete me.
Tracey: What? What did you do?
Say! Say! Did it say you hastard—!
Tracy. Aw, baby, I love you so much. I'm sorry. Let's never fight again!
Dale: I love you too. Can you get my beer now? I'm parched.
There's a moral to this all-to-familiar scenario.
Do not waste your time with someone you would rather power-bomb into a table than buy a puppy for.
The moral is, it's ignorant to be in a relationship based on murderous rage sprinkled with moments of "making up."
If this is you, break up with the other god-forsaken half. If these are your friends, delete them from your phone and pretend like they never existed.
Free All for
Jorgensen is a Baldwin City Junior in Journalism.
Call 864-0500
Free for all callers have 20 seconds to speak about any topic they wish. Kansan editors reserve the right to omit comments. Slanderous and obscene statements will not be printed. Phone numbers of all incoming calls are recorded.
All right, just a little tip for Mrs. E's fans, if you want the food really fresh, get here at like 10:29 on Saturdays
Editor's note: Go to www.kansan.com
for free for All times a million!
Brrr! It's cold in here! There must be some Jayhawks in the atmosphere! J-J-J-J-Jayhawks! T-T-T-T-T-Torrence!
So, I went to see Kenan and Seth tonight, and I just want to say that my childhood was completely crumbled when I found out that Kenan was a huge pothole.
I just asked Laura if she'd marry me, and she said yest
I've never been happier in my life.
+
Forget the mascot, the Chiefs would be pretty much perfect if they didn't have two losses. Idiot!
I'm absolutely outraged at the recent shrinkage of banana size at the Underground. It is a travesty that cannot go unadressed.
+
✦
Some of these girls that put there hair up, and it bounces around, they really look just like roosters.
Yeah, I've never heard of a komdo dragon.
A komodo dragon, yeah, but not a komdo dragon.
Sara Garlick needs to realize that men are not the only ones who cheat. She is the most sexist opinion writer I have ever read.
Lydia, you're an all-star
I think the Foot Clan has taken over Hashinger. Alert the Ninja Turtles.
+
+
Slippy? Sloppy? Sloppy? Swappy? Swanson?
Samsonite! I was way off!
Finally, Free for All, you're not full enough to take my message.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
.
Hawk article lacks evidence
The North Templin Liberation Front is the greatest thing to happen to KU since Phoen Allan.
All right, you find me a cafe that has nothing to do with beef, and I'll show you a cafe that's going out of business.
I agree with Simone, it's not fair to pick on one bar randomly.
Joel Simone recently wrote an article claiming that the Hawk is being unfairly singled out for its habitual underage drinking offenses.
All laws should be enforced equally and fairly, but the article lacks evidence to show that isn't happening. Simone says that "There are other bars in Lawrence that have more MIPs charges than the Hawk," but fails to mention one.
I know it is possible and probable that other bars in town break liquor laws as often as the Hawk, but any sort of statistic proving that was left out by the Kansan.
He also says that on any other night, in any other bar, a minor can be found drinking.
That is simply not true; and if it were, it would be nearly impossible to prove. Yes, it was an obvious exaggeration, but it still hurts the credibility of his opinion.
No matter what your opinion is of a certain bar, it helps to bring evidence to the table to support it, especially when it is going to be read by literally hundreds of people.
Simone tells us how many people go to the Hawk, but doesn't compare it to the patronage of any other bar.
Like Mama says, just because something is popular, that certainly doesn't make it cool. I have been a
deskie at GSP/Corbin for two-and-a-half years now. Every weekend, girls come home and have clearly been drinking, and when they do, I ask how their evening was. At least once every night, I hear "Whoooooo!!"
Bull-Hawk-Wheel!" as a response. Knowing what kind of (underage) girls go to the Hawk makes me think it might be the lamest bar in town.
I fail to see why the police would be gunning for the number one bar in town.
The number of citations certainly isn't evidence of them being singled out, its evidence of how often they break laws.
While it may seem shady to the people who get busted for police to hang around and wait for a crime to occur, logically it makes sense. If the same bank gets robbed every week, why not have a cop there waiting for it to happen?
The police don't have to give offenders a head start. Maybe having an officer in uniform hang around a bar does scare off some business, but if you aren't breaking a law, then why be scared of a cop?
It's the cop's job to enforce laws, whether they agree with the law or not, and he probably isn't willing to risk it for some freshman drunken off of redbull and vodka.
logical, and believe me, it think it is,
but that doesn't make it not a law
The people who avoid the Hawk (or the Wheel or the Bull) because of this, probably do so to avoid MIPs.
Yes, people in the media have to do their jobs and it's easier to be sensational and write about one bar instead of all of them. Yes, people should rarely trust what the media tells us and should never take it at face value.
As far as newspaper articles condemning the Hawk, I agree with Simone, that is bad publicity which is being unfairly distributed.
The only evidence that he offers to show a bias against the Hawk is that it brings in 1,000 people between Wednesday and Saturday. Even then, he doesn't contrast it with a similar statistic from a similar establishment. The evidence might exist, but Simone simply doesn't show it to us.
However, Simone makes it seem as if there is a conspiracy to bring the Hawk down.
Having a drinking-age that is 21 instead of 18 may be stupid and li-
And it's hard for me to feel sympathy for the Hawk when I have been told by dozens of 18-year olds that it is their bar of choice.
♦ JDennis Mersmann is a Lawrence Junior..
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864-4854 or acaster@kansan.com
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864-4014 or adddirector@kansan.com
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EDITORIAL BOARD
Alco: The Kansan will not print guess columns that attack another columnist
Eila Ford, Yanting Wang, Joel Simone, Dano Hoyt, Anne Weltner, Maitreil Jaina, Nathan McGinnia, Joah Goeting, Sara Garlick, Travian Brown, Julian Portillo, David Archer
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Father, son and Halloween ghost
Our night of haunted houses began at the "Edge of Hell," where we had an exciting trip through a ridiculous, but fun, haunted house. It cost $20, but was worth the money and the hour long wait.
The night took a dramatic turn down hill, however, when we were greeted by a person handing out flyers for a "new" and "great" haunted house on 36th and Main streets called "Nightmare." We thought this would be a great chance to see a smaller, possibly more creative haunted house, so we headed over to check it out.
When we got there, we met a woman accepting only cash, which we paid, and a waiver
stating we would experience "reality-based, graphic imagery."
What ensued was what I would consider the most appalling and generally offensive bait-and-switch scam I could have ever imagined.
Instead of being scared by face paint and things flying out of the darkness, we were supposed to be scared by the horrors of real-life tragedy.
A graphic drunk driving crash scene.
A domestic dispute that resulted in a child committing suicide.
We were forced to come two feet away from a women on a toilet having an abortion, and we had fake hand guns waved in our face.
The horror concluded with a man being beaten and crucified in front of us.
As we exited this "haunted house," we were forced to watch a video of a pastor who tried to explain why he had duped us into witnessing such horrific violence, and why he thought what he was doing was so high and noble.
about what we saw.
He told us there were people from his church standing outside the doors to talk to us
The people outside tried to talk to us about religion, tried to preach to us about how violent our world was.
I was sick that so many people could be involved in such a corrupt idea. We were exploited by overzealous religious people who I am quickly growing to hate.
This time it was much worse, because instead of misleadingly introducing themselves to me and trying to tell me their message, they took my money and made me look at absolutely miserable images that will give me nightmares tonight.
I'm not a pissed-off father or
As we exited this haunted house,we were forced to watch a video of a pastor who tired to explain why he had duped us into witnessing such a horrific violence, and why he thought what he was doing was high and noble.
a bitching mother.
I'm a college kid, the very person I imagine these jerks were trying to reach.
insisted they return my money.
I made a calm scene and tried explaining to these religious nuts why I was so offended they had put me through that and
They all played dumb and tried changing topics so I continued to insist on talking to the "person in charge."
I don't have any problem, or even disagree with their message, but I can not believe how misleading they were and outright unethical in presenting this as anything similar to a haunted house.
They tried to make me feel guilty, saying that they were all volunteers, and the money was going to a good cause.
But they didn't ask for a donation, they took my money and tried to push their agenda on me.
Did they consider just how amazingly offended someone could be if they had experienced things like that in their life?
Finally, their security realized we wouldn't leave without being bullied, so they surrounded us.
They tried telling us if we wanted to wait 15 minutes their "director" would be out to discuss the matter.
We were disgusted, and I could tell that talking about the matter any longer would only upset my friends and me even further, so we left.
Now I wish I would have stayed. I wish I would have said something so that this jerk "director" realizes that this isn't 'OK' and it's not right.
I wish I would have told the next group of unsuspecting customers to put away their wallets and turn and run.
I can't believe someone thought that this was a good idea. And I can't believe that this place has lasted for any number of weekends now.
The intolerable images from this horrid experience will haunt me for days, "Nightmares".
And I still don't have my money back. I hope no one has to put up with the night my friends and I did.
Paul Garcia is an Overland Park senior.