We don't know why they invited us back either.
TONGUE IN BEAK
8A THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2005
SELF-EXPLANATORY Letter from the editor
Against public opinion and good taste, Tongue in Beak is indeed back for a second helping. Yes, get ready to ignore a second issue of even more jokes about campus shenanigans and athletes who could beat us up. The real editorial staff of the The University Daily Kansan has (very strongly) suggested that we put another disclaimer on this issue stating — once again — that the writers and editors of Tongue in Beak are in no way actually affiliated with the writers and editors of the Kansan. The opinions and ideas on this page are our own. So say, if we would want to tell oh, I don't know, Jeff Hickens to GO TO HELL!!! and BURN TO DEATH JEFF HICKENS!!!! and Jeff Wadm at us then he should send his email to tinb@ kansan.com (not that Jeff Hickens has the mental capacity to do much of anything besides screw my ex-girlfriend). Also if we were to offend anybody — let's just say oh, maybe an ex-girlfriend or something, let's just call her Lauren Casoday by saying LAUREN CASO-DAY IS A WHORE AND BADE BREATH then this Lauren Casody, whoever she may be, would send her nasty, skanky, full of open sores e-mail to tinb@ kansan.com. It should also be noted that we recently changed the password of the Tongue in Beak email address, so don't try logging in to it even if, say, you used to know the old password because you dated the editor. Well my time is up. I'm off to go visit my new girlfriend. You hear that Lauren? I've moved on. I'm totally over you and totally into my NEW GIRLFRIEND! One that knows how to floss correctly and does so.
Sincerely,
Oven Morris
Tongue in Beak editor
PS: Lauren, please just pick up your phone.
Photo illustration by Taylor Miller
IS COMPETITIVE EATING A SPORT?
Mangino prepares game plan for Chinese buffet
BY ERIC SCHAUMBURG
tinb@kansan.com
TONGUE OR KANSAN WRITER
Kansas football coach and Chinese buffet connoisseur Mark Mangino prepared a game plan for attacking the all-new Friday Buffet at the popular local Chinese eatery with his assistant coaches.
"All right, we have scouted the place and it appears they are running a new 3-4 chicken-beef layout," Mangino said while going through notebooks outside the restaurant. "We should exploit it from the left because I'm almost positive that is where they'll place the fried rice. I don't want to be surprised and go in and find the white rice on the opposite end of the fried rice. It'll totally throw off the entire meal."
With hours of studying menus and sampling dishes hanging over their belts, Mangino and staff seemed confident as they waddled into the buffet but the feeling was not to last.
While everything appeared to be going the team's way at first, including a fresh steaming tray of egg rolls and free drink refills, the meal took a turn for the worse when the seafood surprise was declared "off." As the meal progressed, Mangino's game plan seemed to fall into more and more disarray.
"Dammit! We're being blocked up front by kids at the yogurt machine," Mangino yelled to his staff. "We've got to bring coverage coach Johnson from the side or that crab Rangoon is as good as gone."
Mangino also seemed upset
by the level of sweetness in the sweet and sour chicken.
Overall, the meal ended on a sour note when the restaurant ran out of food at 8:30 p.m. and had to close. In the parking lot after the meal, Mangino said that he was disappointed at what he called the "timidity to attack."
"If we want to go in there and actually win, and you know, get our seven dollars worth of greasy Americanized Chinese food, then we can't be afraid to rush the front line," Mangino said as he grabbed a handful of complimentary mints, the only food left in the restaurant.
Mangino said he was already looking forward and preparing for next week's buffet, a Sizzler Steakhouse in Manhattan.
CAMPUS
English professor to hold class in unemployment line
Members of English professor Lyle Shaw's "Marxist Criticism in Post Feminist Authors" class, a course for English majors only, were surprised to learn Tuesday that they will no longer meet in room 210 of Fraser Hall, but instead in the Douglas County Unemployment Offices at 19th and Vermont streets. Shaw said the reason was two-fold.
"Well, first it offers the students an opportunity to meet with the people they'll be seeing the most of after
graduation, to start networking and learning how to receive their unemployment check. Secondly my critique of Sylvia Plath did not get into a single literary journal and since Dillions is only hiring part-time I though it would be pretty convenient to save myself some time by meeting here."
Shaw has also changed the syllabus to reflect the new classroom environment.
"I've decided that if you do not want to do that paper I assigned on objectivism as it relates to Marxist theory that you can instead now write 3,000 words on the effects of having an English professor move into your apartment for a couple of months, you know just until he finds his own place"
Taylor Price
KU reveals new Mrs. E's 'identity'
Robert Hemengway announced Monday that the University has redesigned the font of Mrs. E's, the popular cafeteria for students who live on Daisy Hill.
"I'm glad to announce that today we are finally sending a clear concise message about what Mrs.Es finally is, and we did it without improving the food or service one ounce." Hemenway said while standing below the new sign.
The University spent $750,000 and eight years working with an
Now residents everywhere will eat their Jello in peace knowing the identity and values of Mrs. E's as represented by a font, and not just any font but one that is strong, bold and yet tasty.
advertising firm on the new font.
Not everyone is
happy with it and many students believe the University got ripped off.
"There are some naysayers who say this is just the comic sans font in a purple color. Obviously they are too narrow-minded to appreciate the intricate detail of the design. Just look at the placement of that apostrophe. How it's sort of closer to the 'E' than the 's.' You can't buy brilliance like this...sort of. We hired an advertising firm that spent months researching native fonts in the Bahamas and Jamica and we feel their hardwork paid off in the end with a font that everyone can feel proud of," Hemenway said.
— Owen Morris
▼ ADVICE FROM KELLI THE SORORITY SISTER
Kelli shows France some hospitality
Editors Note: Because of an accident at a costume party involving a urinal, Rick is taking this month off. In his place is Kelli. She is a member of the Chi Delta Phi sorority, works at Cold Stone Creamery and has a large collection of stuffed animals. She was also a pledge mom until her pledges quit.
Dear Kelli,
Cindy
I recently studied abroad and had sexual interactions with a number of Europe's finer men. That was great, but the problem is I posted detailed descriptions, and sometimes pictures, of my exploits on my Xanga, which I forgot my boyfriend reads. Now that I'm back in Lawrence, he wants me to get tested. Is he right or just being over-cautious?
Dear Cindy,
Way to go enjoying the European hotties! Did you go to France? Did you by chance, have sex in France with a guy named Marcus who was actually from Chicago, but also studying abroad? If you did, get tested now!!! If you didn't have sex with Marcus, then you're probably all right (and let me just say on the side - you didn't miss much). As a precaution, I might use a little hand sanitizer. Oooohhh, I almost forgot I read last month in Cosmo or in O that chocolate can be good for your immune system. So, if you want to be extra safe, just eat a lot of chocolate and it will probably make whatever you may have go away. Kisses.
Dear Kelli.
Dear Ken!
There's this really cute guy in my biology lab and I would like to ask him on a date, but I don't want to come across as easy or too forward. What should I do?
— Maxine
B. 0.435
Oh, Maxine, do I feel for you. For the longest time when I was only like 17 I had this crush on my mom's third or fourth(?) husband. I knew he would never approach me, so one night after妈 had taken her pills with her three glasses of gin (doctor's orders), I surprised him by sneaking into his study naked. Well to make a long story short we carried on an affair for two years before I got bored and told him I'd tell the authorities if he didn't buy me a new Grand Cherokee. My mom has a new husband but I still have the Jeep! Oooohhhh! I almost forgot. I was reading Details on the ellipsis at the gym when I came across this article that said chocolate contained pheromones that naturally attracted people. So, maybe if you eat a lot of chocolate he'll end up approaching you. Kisses.
Dear Kelli,
I used to be in a sorority, but I quit because my pledge mom — let's call her Kelsy — was the biggest bitch I'd ever met in my life. Not only was she the most inconsiderate person I've ever known, all she would talk about were these guys she had slept with or these stupid little quizzes or facts she read in magazines. She would cite some little fact she had read that said she could eat chocolate constantly and then she'd always wonder why she was putting on weight. The problem is that now that I quit none of my Greek friends will talk to me. I've been thinking about rejoining, so please give me some innate terrible advice that will help me come to my senses and make me realize how much I hated being in a sorority.
Sophia
Dear Sophia.
Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Oooohhh! I recently read in Seventeen that chocolate can act as a anti-depressant so if I were you, I'd grab a big bowl of chocolate to help you cheer up. As for rejoining a sorority, of course you have to. I remember last year at our Asian invasion party, when our Oriental sister made us all fortune cookies. Guess what mine said? "Go Greek or go geck." Isn't that poetic, yet so true? You too could have memories like that if you rejoin. Kisses.
Kelli is a Chicago junior in strategic communications
★ Tongue in Beak is satire (or at least tries to be) and should not be taken seriously.