OPINION
THE UNIVERSITY DARRY KANSAN
7A
MONDAY FEBRUARY 11,2008
COMMENTARY
Republican caucus promises tiger cages, scripture, free trade reform
I attended this weekend's Republican caucus, where I chose between Sen. Tiger-Cage, Gov. Jesus and Dr. No-Trade. (The actual ballot said their names were Sen. McCain, Gov. Huckabee and Dr. Paul, but I think that was a typo.)
There are lots of reasons to support a presidential candidate. Whether the candidate was a war hero is a pretty weak criterion. McCain's campaign is taking a page from the Rudy '9/11' Giuliani playbook, since it worked out so well for the former mayor. Any question for McCain is answered in terms of his war service. I fully expect the following exchange at the next debate.
The first thing I heard when I walked into the assembly room was McCain's spokesman saying, "And I said, Senator, this must have been a tough week for you." He said to me, 'Son, being beaten and kept in a tiger cage, that's a tough week! This week is just something we'll work through.'"
Moderator: Senator, the American people want to know why you were a member of the Keating Five.
(Just in case you haven't heard Sen. McCain yell it at you lately, he's a war hero. He was kept in a tiger cage. Vote accordingly. Tiger cage.)
McCain: I didn't know it was wrong to take bribes, since I spent so many years not seeing money in a tiger cage. I didn't know it was actually money, on account of the tiger cage.
Moderator: And campaign finance reform? Doesn't your legislation violate the First Amendment?
McCain: I guess I'm used to having speech restricted, since the Viet Cong didn't let me talk too freely in the tau cage.
Moderator: Senator, any closing remarks?
McCain: Yes. Firstly, I'm not Hillary Clinton. And secondly, tiger cage.
Meanwhile, Gov. Huckabee will be on the other side of the stage, flushing through
a Bible, looking for another scripture he can paraphrase in his next response.
By the time the moderator asks him about carbon emissions, Huckabee will be ready with, "For Mike so loved the environment, he gave his only-begotten emissions. standard
Max Rinkel
» COMMENTARY
"The only thing more hackneyed than some fresh-faced leader promising to change the world with a smile and a dream, is a college boy with political thoughts adding another layer of graffiti to some centuries-old institution with his pen."
Two-party system provides America with two abusive husbands (or Hillary) to choose from
Lacking enthusiasm after democratic caucus, one columnist develops own political philosophy
I received a text message last Tuesday night from a friend of mine saying, "Holy crap, the democratic caucus turnout is insane!" And my first reaction on receiving this was to think, "Yeah, well that's what happens when one party consistently disappoints the nation for eight straight years. Of course the opposition is going to see a rise in interest."
On reflection though, something terribly sad becomes appar
ent. The voting American public is like some battered woman in a bigamous relationship with two equally abusive men. She'll go running to one to escape the pain and anger of the other. But in four or eight years, she'll get fed up with the answer to her troubles, pack her bags and retreat back into the promising embrace of the first man. And the two men are the same every time. One may be coked up, while the other is just drunk, but they are both, in the end, lying and thieving scoundrels who are willing to spend millions of dollars to make the public fall in love with them, whilingles some nice and filthy mud at the other.
Now I don't want this to come across as an indictment of the two party system we've developed. Not that I support it, but I do have a problem with hackneyed things in
general, and the only thing more hackneyed than some fresh-faced leader promising to change the world with a smile and a dream, is a college boy with political thoughts adding another layer of graffiti to some centuries-old institution with his pen.
No, instead I am going to just sort of sit here and watch America get slapped around, because it's not like you can stop her. She loves him, both hims. She loves their multimillion dollar campaigns and how macho they get when around each other. But what really keeps her coming back again and again is the promises. Every politician has his or her collection of lines that make the voters go crazy.
Everyone promises some drastic change that will invariably make the voters happier and prettier. Then in the next four or eight years, those
promises are replaced by the former candidate not doing the things they said, and doing things they will never say, not even under oath apparently. In fact, the last time a politician did something he or she said he or she was going to, Larry Craig ended up getting arrested. But deep down beneath all the deceit, and violence these guys really love the voting public, too.
Really.
And to anyone else out there in this realm of abstaining and amused apathy, whose occupants are usually referred to as irresponsible, or slackers (though I prefer pragmatic) I say, "Do you prefer kettle corn? Or just plain butter and salt?" Because it may be a rough ride, but it should at least be entertaining.
White is a Colorado Springs, Col., junior in journalism.
As a devout Christian, I find
Huckabee's entire campaign offensive. He's taken my Savior and turned Him into a talking point, something that is worth two additional percentage points in the backwoods every time it is mentioned. Ask Huckabee why he's still in the race and he'll answer with a scripture.
that whosoever might live by a coal power plant might breathe forever.
"By the time the moderator asks him about carbon emissions, Huckabee will be ready with, "For Mike so loved the environment, he gave his only-begotten emissions standard, that whosoever might live by a coal power plant might breathe forever."
When asked why he produced
an unfair attack
ad against Mitt
Romney
and then had a press
conference to
make sure it was
seen the week-
end before the
Iowa caucus, he
answered with
scripture.
So the scriptures support unethical behavior now? That can be helpful in my bid to poison schoolchildren.
(I've got it! "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man." Thanks for the tip, Mike!)
Last is Dr. Ron Paul, a man who stands apart from the field by his complete ignorance of the last 80 years of economic history.
At a time when about 90 percent of surveyed economics agree that free trade benefits both participants, Paul rails against NAFTA, 16 years too late.
The Republican party is picking its candidate based on the assumption that the opponent is Hillary Clinton, but Barack Obama is winning more than he's losing. And no Republican has an answer for him. There's no real reason to wait until November to start saying, "Wait until 2012."
As the dollar has weakened imports have become more expensive for Americans while our exports have become more affordable to the world. Why this is a good time to restrict trade is unclear.
Minster is a Lawrence senior in Economics.
》 LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Student achievements unimportant to paper
Dear Editor.
In this season of primaries, basketball and carjackings an unusual story surfaced: Two university students are World Champions. How would anybody know about this? Not through the UDK — it's neither sports, deferred maintenance nor politics.
The story was "run" this past Wednesday when campus dumpsters composed the The University Daily Kansan readership (save a few bars and dorms).
Here's a revolutionary idea: print the story when campus is actually open. According to The University Daily Kansan faculty advisor: "Out of the question!"
Would The University Daily Kansan run it again? No.
Could it be bought and given to the journal World to run? No.
So here it is, a pathetic 200 word "letter to the editor" by a lowly faculty member struggling to get the word out that two students beat the world through their hard work. Will it rise above the endless pages describing decaying tunnels, primaries, missed and made shot on every court from here to Timbuktu?
Would they run it as an ad? No.
Nah... we all know where these things rate in the "news world." Maybe if we called it a "sport," paper would finally report that two students won a really really special NCAA Championship, Superbowl and World Series.
Dr. Ron Barrett-Gonzalez Associate Professor
FOR COMPLETE STORY, SEARCH "AEROSPACE AWARD" AT KANSAN.COM
Visit Kansan.com and add the Facebook application, "University Daily Kansan," to start contributing.
I hear that Renee Zellweger divorced him because he couldn't consummate.
》 FREE FOR ALL
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Sit right here and have another beer in Mexico. Kenny is not a hack. You bite your
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Haha. Ron Paul only needs to double his delegate count to move ahead of "uncommitted"
Kenny Chesney is a hack. Country music died like two decades ago.
Kenny Chesney is the sound of college. God I love that man.
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In college hoops, they play halves, not quarters. Nice try.
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Vivaaaaaaaaa Viagra!
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I love how tequila makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
Uno mas por favor!!
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On the rag?
Oh Jesus, I just looked up the Rag on Urban Dictionary
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If your boyfriend offered you oral while you were on the rag, would you accept?
It's the first quarter during the Baylor game, and I'm about to have a freaking heart attack.
Come on goss! If you don't get a nice lead, not only will we lose, but I won't get to see
Teahan!
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Let's get embarrassingly drunk to make up for our lack of love on Valentine's Day.
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I had sex in the baseme.
Assuming you meant basement, of which building?
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Not No Dragons, Pro Dragons! Vote Dragons 2008!
Want more? Check out Free For All online.
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