review screeched
When looking back, I think our generation might consider Saved by the Bell the greatest show of all time. It taught us how to live, love and wear our Buddy Bands with pride.
Dustin "Screech" Diamond stakes his claim as the sleaziest member of Bayside's graduating class with his much-publicized sex tape. But, unlike other celebrities, Diamond decided to embrace and capitalize on his hand-held antics, endorsing the DVD release of "Screeched."
The film opens on Diamond sitting in a bubble bath with a woman who is holding the camera. With the scene lit only by candles, the couple goes on for 10 minutes discussing everything from which season of 2-4 they're going to watch to what kind of food is left in the fridge, before turning off the camera just before the love-making begins. At this point, there's still hope. Maybe "Screeched" isn't as vile as the video cover had promised. Maybe it's just Diamond.
Lever had promised. Maybe it's just Diamond enjoying a quiet night at home with Mrs. Screech Those hoops are soon dripping.
We promised. I may be just Diamond enjoying a quiet night at home with Mrs. Screech.
Those hopes are soon dashed, though, as we cut to a scene of the actor introducing the rest of the video. In his best "dude, brah" voice, Diamond, referring to himself as The "D-man," gives a run-down of the situation for submission to something called The Brotherhood of the Bros. Apparently, D-man and his buddies have a secret society where they award each other points for taping themselves performing various sex acts.
For this particular scenario, he explains that he's just done a comedy show, and that a bride-to-be and her bride's maid were in attendance as part of a bachelor party, and invited the D-man up to their hotel room. At this point, it becomes painfully clear that this tape is a set-up.
We get a thrill as he tries to convince the girls to put on sexy lingerie using all the tact and personality of a horny, 13-year-old boy. The best part is, D-man uses nostalgia and his limited star power to tap into the gentle psyche of the bride's maid when he, to help her overcome her shyness, says, "You grew up with me, Baby."
Finally, the girls come out in the lingerie. Sexual gag gifts are conveniently sitting around the hotel room, such as double-headed dildos and candy cock rings, and you better believe they get incorporated.
The thrilling climax comes when the D-man executes a move known as the "Dirty Sanchez." If you're not familiar with the term, look it up on www.urbandictionary.com. Once you do that, imagine those words printed on sticker and you'll think twice before investigating anything with your sense of smell.
The film ends with the D-man bragging about his "conquest," and how cool of a dude he is. It also ends with him not only shattering the joy and happiness he brought to many children through the '90s, but also shattering the idea that any decency could exist in the world after viewing this tape. Congrats, D-man, you finally left your dorky persona behind, but now you have a new one to take its place: D-bag.
No stars Jared Duncan
22 02.07.2008 VOL.5 ISS.19
interesting fact: The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. —lilith-ezine.com
...
contact the writer:
jduncan@kansan.com