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Dealing with an end
Breaking up can have benefits
By Daniel Reyes dreyes@kansan.com
Lawrence senior Emily Nelson and her high school sweetheart tied the knot after six years of dating. But this was a knot that would soon come undone.
"He was the wrong one, but I was in love," Nelson says. "If I had walked away on my wedding day, my friends would have all gotten up and cheered. They were happy we split.
Relationships begin with promises of understanding and affection. Sometimes, as in Nelson's case, relationships lead to love and an intimate connection, blossoming into a lifelong companionhip. Other times they end with a split. But breakups don't have to be an unhappy end. In fact, they can lead to a new relationship—when the time is right. But before anyone can move on, they must first cope with the failed relationship. Skipping the grieving process can set the person up for another failed relationship.
and get over the previous relationship, says Lynn Harris, co-creator of *BreakupGirl.net*.
"For the first week or so, it's Wallow City, and you're the mayor," Harris says. "Be sad. You need to get the breakup toxins out of your system. But it's important to force yourself to get back into the swing of things. Getting up and out will help you go the last mile toward 'over it.'"
Nelson used the reason she split from her husband as the motivation for getting over the relationship.
"I ended the marriage because I had outgrown him," Nelson says. "I was going to school and he wasn't. He wanted to be a little boy."
While no one sets out to fail at a relationship, breakups do not need to be seen as failure or the end, says Karen Gail Lewis, a marriage and family therapist based in Cincinnati. Instead, it should be a time of reflection and preparation for future relationships.
make them better. 'What did I do wrong in this relationship to do better next time?' Lewis says.
"You look at 'What is my part of why the relationship didn't work?"
Lewis, also the author of Parents and Their Grown Children, says breakups can be beneficial.
"Breakups are necessary because you thought you were attracted to a person and you realize, 'This is not a good person for me to be with.'" Lewis says.
When a long-term relationship ends, "next time" and "self-improvement" are difficult concepts
to grasp as a person tries to cope with sadness. When Laura Pahls, Garden City senior; broke up with her boyfriend of more than two years, she says she was angry.
the most." "I had been ditching my friends a lot because he was so needy," she says "a spent a
"Be sad. You need to get the breakup toxins out of your system." —Karen Gail Lewis, marriage and family therapist
lot of time with my friends,
I became more social again.
Without them I don't know
what I would have done."
Nelson also had help coping with her split with her husband.
Pahls and Nelson did not fall victim to a method Lewis says is not a good way to cope
"I had a brand new baby," Nelson says. "I just let him go. I had to focus on my child. He didn't do anything wrong."
with a failed relationship.
photo illustration by: Lisa Lipovac
for more information:
www.breakupgirl.net
"Drowning your sorrows in alcohol is the best way to have a bad next relationship," Lewis says.
"You're not allowing yourself to feel the grief."
Of the many reasons relationships fail, Harris, author of Breakup Girl to the Rescue!, says lack of communication plays the biggest part.
through problems
through problems and prevent unnecessary breakups. In today's "quick-fix, everything's-disposable, flavor-of-the-month culture," people sometimes lack the tools and desire to make flawed relationships work. Harris says.
01.24.2008
VOL 5 ISS.17
5
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