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12.06.2007 JAYPLAY
DEMYSTIFYING the Male Member
The ups and downs of erectile functions By Nick Finnegan
Alright guys; take a long, hard look between your legs. See that? Nearly half of the KU student population comes equipped with similar gear. And no, I don't care if you happened to 'accidentally' glance at a friend in high school and see that his was marginally (read extremely) bigger than yours. Let's leave that for another time and another article.Today, kids, we're going to discuss some of the common things men experience downstairs and some potentially embarrassing social situations.
Guys get boners. We can't always help it, nor does it always mean that we're thinking about the hottie three seats in front of us. An occasionally erect penis is part of normal sexual health in an adult male and can happen for several reasons.
First and foremost among these erectile encounters is something every guy has woken up with at some point. Morning wood, or nocturnal
penise tumescence as the guys in white coats call it, can happen during normal REM sleep.
Dr. Robert L. Brown at Watkins Memorial Health Center says certain psychogenic processes during this REM sleep tend to stimulate spontaneous erections, but that it's also completely normal. These sunrise stiffies are usually most notable
when you're shocked out of sleep by an alarm clock, not giving your brain enough time to ease out of sleep.
"I fell asleep in class one time and woke up with morning wood," says Kunal Bisariya, Overland Park senior. "Shit like that can happen."
Finding yourself in class with a hard-on is definitely an embarrassing situation for any guy, but trying too hard to cover up just might end up having the reverse effect.
"It's not that apparent when another guy has an erection. I'd rather not know in the first place. But when they try and act too cool, you know something's up." Bisariya says. "It's a self-defeating thing."
The classroom conundrum of having an erection in a room with 200 people in it can be a dire situation indeed. Dustin Allen, Topeka senior, finds that the longer the class, the harder the circumstance.
"In long classes where you're shifting back in forth in your seat and there are lots of hot girls, it makes it more of a problem," he says. "And it always happens at the most inopportune times."
Other factors that contribute to an unwanted arousal can include a number of things, such as physical activities. Dr. Brown says that incidental contact while playing a sport or working out might become a factor. He also says certain things we ingest, such as alcohol, could play a part. Not that you all are drinking before class, right?
But no matter the cause, the fact is that most people don't pay enough attention or care to pay attention to what's happening under the protective canopy of your desk. Many girls aren't even really attuned to the fact that guys even have erections in public places.
If someone did happen to see a guy sporting wood in a clearly urban environment, likely some people would find it funny, but more people might just feel embarassment for the pour soul.
This statue has the only intact penis on display at the Wilcox Museum in Lippincott Hall, which houses collections of plaster casts of Greek and Roman statues.
The unfortunate nature of the beast is it can require years of practice to attain the mental fortitude required in taming your wang, and the older you get, the easier it becomes. But when you feel rigid and inflexible, just remember to take a deep breath and relax; don't just let it go. Seriously, you could poke somebody's eye out with that thing.
Here are some of the ways you can hide your erection while trying to escape a public situation. Note: some work and some just make the problem worse.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY JON GOERING
Tuck and Cover: The most prevalent and widely used of all, the tuck and cover works by shifting your Johnson straight up into your waistband and covering any bits that might peek out with the bottom of your shirt. This works especially well with a jeans-and-belt combo because the zipper disguises the bulge while the belt secures you firmly in place.
Hoodie Hands: If you wear a hoodie (you know who you are) the front pocket is an excellent resource. No matter what kind of pants you're wearing, you can always reach down and grab a hold of your giblets through your hoodie and move them away from potential humiliation.
Two o'clock Pocket: This simple maneuver will help keep a distance from escalating if you can't manage to hide yourself
anywhere else. As the name implies, you position your shaft at two o'clock towards your left pocket and pretend like hell that you have an absurdly shaped hand that extends to your balls.
Book Worm: You're really not fooling anybody here but yourself at this point. The whole "I carry my book-bag at crotch level" ploy will only get you so far... but if it manages to get you out the door then that may be good enough.
Traffic Cop: Why bother hiding it anyway? Go ahead and show the world what you have and wave your boner proudly to all who can see. You might just impress somebody in the process. Or you might end up grossing out a whole room. Use your best judgement.