▶ entertainment ▶ events ▶ issues ▶ music ▶ art hilltopics the university daily kansan wednesday ◄ 4.7.99 ◄ eight.a ◄ The best of both worlds Khaled Soitullah and his wife Rachel have been married for more than three years. The husband and wife say that despite their many cultural differences, it is their shared interests and similarities that keep their marriage strong. story by sharmista barat • photos by rachel marta orr Thuy Pham, a graduate student from Vietnam, said she won't kiss her groom Andy Karafa when she gets married next June, a traditional practice her future mother-in-law wants her to comply with. kachel Saifullah, a Hays senior, said she felt neglected when her husband Khaled Saifullah, who is from Bangladesh, did not always respond to her affectionate, "I love you, honey." Khaled is puzzled that she needs to be verbally reassured. Robert Rodriguez, an Argentinean-American, craved hamburgers and French fries when he went to his wife's home in Ukraine. Irina Rodriguez, his wife and a graduate student, years for the farm-fresh lettuce of her native home. These are a few of the University of Kansas' culture-clash couples who have been united in love and marriage but who must confront numerous differences involving religion, food, language, lifestyle and philosophy. Clashing cultures Khaled encountered his parents' prejudices against Western culture when he decided to marry Rachel. Khaled said that his father, an orthodox Muslim, vehemently opposed his decision to marry a Christian. His mother's mental picture of an American woman hardly fit into the frame of a traditional, subservient Bangladeshi daughter-in-law. "The most difficult job was convincing my mother, who had had the least exposure to Western culture," Khaled said. "When I visited Khaled's family in Bangladesh, I realized that she wanted a daughter-in-law to talk to." Rachel said. Moreover, what Khaled's mother had read about the high divorce rates in the United States made things worse, Rachel said. Khaled said he was happy that instead of being chained down by religious and cultural inhibitions, they were married according to law with a judge presiding. "Men often took the pretext of religion and culture to hide their narrow-mindedness," Khaled said. Khaled said that meaningful relationships develop if individuals have the capacity to overcome their rigid beliefs and change themselves. Nomi Redding, a clinical social worker and family therapist, identified two factors upon which the success of any relationship depends, especially an intercultural one: emotional maturity and stress level. Redding said that the stress level at different points of an individual's life affect the way he or she perceive things. If the stress level is lower, the individuals are more likely to appreciate the differences and find compatibility, she said. "If the individuals are not mature enough, the differences between them gets magnified, aggravated," she said. "If you are sure of yourself, of who you are, you can appreciate the differences which otherwise would have seemed as a threat." Different cultural groups have different modes of interacting and showing love and commitment towards each other. Rachael need a response to her affectionate greetings is a good example. "American women want a lot of attention," Khaled said, joking. Showing his love for Rachel would mean taking her out to dinner, buying her flowers and cards and occasionally, even a gold ring, Khaled said. "Asian culture generally does not support showing affection as openly as in the Western world. Love is something that is implied rather than directly expressed," he said. kachel's growing interaction with Bangladeshi culture has helped her to understand how the role of women differs from society to society. Rachel said she believed that intercultural marriages demanded more understanding and acceptance of differences than marriages between two people coming from similar backgrounds. She said that her lack of knowledge about the Bangladeshi culture made it hard for her to tell if Khaled's protectiveness toward her was because of his caring nature or a trait he inherited from the male-dominated society in Bangladesh. "Women in Bangladesh are a lot more dependent on their male counterparts, and they do not go out as freely as women do here," she said. "The mother figure is a dominant personality in an American family, while in Bangladesh, the focus is on the father figure." Rachel said that she and Khaled have adopted what is best in the two cultures and formed a code that is a compromise between an American and a Bangladeshi family. Khaled makes the important decisions, but she, too, has her say. Rachel said. Meeting in the middle sylvia Hallowell, clinical social worker and a former KU student said, "I try to figure out whether the difference is more in the culture or the human nature between the couples." Hallowell said that recognizing the differences and coping with them is crucial to any healthy relationship. Redding said that the differences that arise in a cross-cultural relationship are based more on personal differences rather than cultural issues. "People who grow up in the same town, same area can have differences. The differences that an inter-cultural couple has can be true for any other couple, both of whom come from the same cultural background," she said. Hallowell said that pre-marriage courses and interaction were two of the most crucial factors that could make an intercultural marriage click. Thuy Pham and Andy Karafa find that their interaction in the six years that they have known each other has helped them to deal with several of their differences. "At first, Andy wanted to continue with the tradition because it would make his parents happy," Pham said, "Much as I want my in-laws to participate in the wedding, kissing in front of everybody just makes me feel very uncomfortable." Pham said that there were some American traditions that offended her. Her Vietnamese upbringing made her reluctant to kiss her groom on her wedding day because public displays of affection were not common in Vietnam. This upset her mother-in-law to be. Andy's understanding of Vietnamese culture helped Andy put himself in Pham's shoes. *He gave me his support to convince his mother that we will not be kissing at the reception," Pham said. With more foreign students coming to the University each year, its community is developing into a melting pot of different cultures. The Cross Cultural Relationships program tried to provide students an opportunity to share experiences and support one another, said Daphne Johnston, formerly interim, associate and assistant director in the Office of International Student Services for 10 years. She headed the program, a registered KU student group during 1992-94. ine group gradually dissipated as the member moved away from the University. Johnston said that the University presently has no program to help the students with cross-cultural relationships. Celebrating differences When Robert Rodriguez, an Argentinean American and his wife Irina, a Ukrainian, met each other at Ekdahl Dining Commons, they were strangers to each other's cultural backgrounds. "When we were dating, Irina expected certain gentleman-like behavior from me, such as holding open the door for her and letting her pass through first," Robert said. Initially, her expectations appeared strange to Robert, who was more accustomed to the American notion that treats both sexes equally, he said. Robert had difficulty reciprocating Irina's family's affection when he visited them in Ukraine in the spring of 1996. Not only was language a barrier, but his inability to adjust to Ukrainian cuisine prevented him from participating fully in Irina's family parties and reunions. Irina said she regrets not being able to share jokes or talk about her favorite childhood TV shows with Robert — things that could only be understood by learning her language. To bridge the gap between them created by the culture clash, Robert is taking Russian courses to be able to share some of Irina's experiences. "The differences are what make things more challenging and interesting and therefore, special," Irina said. Accepting the challenge and making an effort to fully participate in the experiences of one's soulmate can take a marriage a long way, she said. way. Irina and Robert said that they find themselves fortunate to have families who have been supportive. "The hospitable and social Argentinean culture reminds me of my own people. I feel a lot closer to it than American culture." Irian said. Redding said that having supportive families and friends helps the couples to maintain continuous ties with their cultures and overcome the sense of isolation. "Any marriage requires a lot of understanding and give-and-take," Hallowell said. "Greater the difference, greater is the challenge and sooner do the couples realize that they have an even greater motivation to deal with the challenge." Racial breakdown of marriages in Kansas In 1997
Race of groomRace of bridehawaiian other asian/pacificother non-whitenot stated
totalwhiteblacknative americanchinesejapanesefilipino
white18,47318,00311515414122599-51
black1,389379972142211117
native american2442005301221-3
chinese3262-15216--
japanese55--------
filipino24141---8-1-
hawaiian, other asian/pacific304108735111781-
other non-white631-----2-
not stated60242-----133
total20,53718,7421,105201371938290894
department of Health and Environment }