Photo illustration by Kit Leffler
When this pattern started, the Overland Parksenior would try to call her friend to hang out, but Lisa says her friend constantly made excuses about how she was too tired. Lisa has now given up on their friendship. She says she was treated poorly and was tired of putting all the effort into their friendship.
Altering time with friends to spend more time with your partner is a common occurrence, says Counseling and Psychological Services intern Beth Kirser. Of her clients who do pull away from their friends while in relationships, she says they are regretful about it. "I've never had a client say that I'm glad I stopped hanging out with my friends," Kirser says. While short bursts, such as a week, of hanging out with your partner are acceptable to friends, Kirser says problems can arise when the friend starts to feel neglected for a long period of time. Not only will the friend start looking for other time alterna-
Lisa used to only see one of her friends on two occasions. One, when her friend's boyfriend was busy. And two, when the friend and her boyfriend were having problems and she wanted advice.
tives, but when the non-single friend becomes single and wants to resume the friendship, she says there is usually resentment and the friend isn't going to want to go back to the friendship.
This unbalanced budgeting of time between friends and significant others is not common for Nashville, Tenn., junior Greg Levy. He says when one of his friends has a girlfriend, the group expects to see that friend less. "The girlfriend takes priority and you work around that," Levy says. College students already have a lot to do and when a relationship is added to the list, it's difficult to budget things evenly, Levy says.
Sharing her time between her friends and her boyfriend is something that Emily Kravit says she has learned to do well. When the Milwaukee junior started dating her boyfriend, Brad Patchessky, five and a half years ago, she said it was difficult to leave time for her friends. She says she was so excited to see him that she wanted to be with him all the time, it wasn't until she came to college that she says she realized how important the balancing act between the partner and friend really is. Kravit and Patchessky realized they were
spending too much time together when they started fighting about minor things, so they decided to spend more time with their friends. One way Kravit cultivates her friendships is by dedicating Thursday nights to her girlfriend, which usually entails a trip to the Sandbar, 17 E. Eighth St.
Even in a long distance relationship, Chicago sophomore Danielle Herman makes sure not to drop her friends when her hometown boyfriend comes to visit. Herman says even though she only sees him once a month, when he comes to visit, he isn't the number one priority and that her friends are just as important. Her solution is to go to bars where she knows both her boyfriend and her friends will have fun.
It's challenging being a friend who has been ditched says Sioux City, Iowa, sophomore Sean Galloway. You're happy your friend met someone, but you also kind of ticked off with your end of the deal, Galloways says. "It's like, wow, your girlfriend is a big inconvenience to me," Galloway says.
If you're hurt by your friend's disappearance, Klaren says it's best to bring it
up. Start by saying, "We haven't done much together lately," and if your friend still doesn't catch on, Kirsner recommends telling your friend you're upset with the lack of time you have spent together.
While a girlfriend or boyfriend is a common factor that takes up time in a schedule, Kirsner says a new friend, a job or schoolwork can also have similar results. Kirsner says the only difference is that people tend to be more understanding if it's a job or schoolwork because that's something people do because they have to, not because they choose to.
It's natural to spend a lot of time with your partner, but Kirsner says it's important to not forget about the life you had before your partner. "Everyone needs to get different things from different people in their lives. If you start putting all your time in one person, you will miss out on all those other things you used to have," Kirsner says.
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6 Jayplay 04.14.05