SPORTS
PAGE 14A
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
WWW.KANSAN.COM/STORIES/TONGUEINBEAK
OUT WITH THE OLD
Family gives daughter Allen Fieldhouse as gift
BY OWEN MORIS
satire@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITER
The Board of Regents approved a proposal five to one to sell the naming rights of Allen Fieldhouse for $12 million to the Laurie Family of Columbia, Mo. For the second time, the Lauries have decided to name a venue after their daughter Paige. Allen Fieldhouse will now be called "Paige's Fieldhouse."
"This is a wonderful day that will hopefully vindicate our daughter from all the trauma she has gone through." Bill Laurie said at a press conference in the fieldhouse yesterday. He added, "Paige, Paige honey, do you want anything else? How about a jet, sweetie?"
The Laurie family originally named the new arena at the University of Missouri after their daughter, Paige Sports Arena. But when it was discovered she'd cheated while attending University of Southern California, they gave the naming rights back to Missouri, who changed the arena to Wal-Mart Cheater Arena.
The Lauries though were not too happy with the name change. So, they decided to contact other Big 12 Conference universities to see if they could buy the naming rights to their arenas. The only other university to respond was Baylor, who wanted $15.50 for the naming rights to their arena. The Lauries picked that one up too. Paige has suggested "The OC Arena."
"It's the beginning of a new
era," Chancellor Robert Hemenway said. "No longer do we have to keep living in the past at KU by naming all these buildings after old fogies. Instead we have a new future! One that is $12 million richer."
"I guess it's sort of cool to have buildings named after me," Paige said, while tanning at the Palm Beach Country Club. "Though I would have liked an island better. Where is KU anyways? St. Louis? Are they the Wildcats?"
Many students were noticeably upset after hearing the news.
"I don't care that they rename the building for cash," Lukas Philips, Bumblepatch senior, said. "But to name it after a family from Missouri, that's unacceptable. Next thing you know, they're going to start
recruiting players from prison like Missouri."
Hemenway and Bill Laurie were unphased by the disgust and anger that their announcement created.
“Mr. Laurie is one of the rich ... I mean, nicest men in the world,” Hemenway said. “He's all right in my book and Paige is such a nice girl. I'm sure she'll never do anything bad again.”
The University of Southern California had threatened to take away Paige's degree once it was discovered that she'd cheated and had never actually attended classes at Southern California, or been in southern California. It recanted when Bill Laurie threatened to buy the university and turn it into a Wal-Mart.
- Edited by Nikola Rowe
The Laurie family will cut the red tape at the renaming ceremony April 20 at "Paige's Fiedlhouse." Paige Laurie has asked that "only really popular people show up. No nerds." Laurie also has requested the hardwood floor of the fieldhouse be repainted pink and blue with pixies. Phog Allen's statue began softly weeping.
Frin Droste/KANSAN
BADMINTON SHOCKER: 63-64
KU Badminton loses ShuttleHawk seniors' birdies mauled by Cougars
BY SAM HOPKINS
satire@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEA WRIER
Ron Langdon stares blankly at the shuttlecock in his hand, wondering what might have been. The senior and starting service specialist on KU's badminton team says he knows that he let down his school, fans and family. But more than anything, he disappointed himself.
"Every little kid playing badminton in the backyard dreams of getting the shot we had," said a dejected Prashant Marpathsary, also a senior,
"but sometimes the birdies just won't fall where you want them."
Kansan file photo
The University of Kansas suffered a surprising defeat at the rackets of Clearfield College, a small school that two years ago barely had a badminton club. Now, the Clearfield Cougars have secured their school a spot in the National Collegiate Badminton Association and an upset victory to boot.
Prashant Marpathsary, ShuttleHawk senior, attempts the final volley before blowing it. The KU basketball team ended its season yesterday, losing a shocker to underdog Clearfield College, 63-64. The ShuttleHawk team toured one of the best senior classes the school had ever seen. The senior class included Marpathsary, All-NCBA First Team selection Ron Langdon, Dat Phan, Ralph Pinkerton and Chas Wolberry. When asked what happened on the final play, Marpathsary said, "I just got my shuttlecock blocked. I hate getting shuttlecock blocked."
The ShuttleHawks, as fans call them, had high hopes going into this season. Ron Langdon was a pre-season All-NCBA First Team selection and is still a candidate for the prestigious Nigel Fletcher award, which is the greatest individual honor in collegiate badminton.
The final set of the final match of the 'Hawks season came down to a lob that was offered up by Clearfield on a set play gone awry. The team failed to capitalize, and unfortunately a splendid day for Ron Langdon — not so great for his teammates — ended with his missing his trademark overhand "smasheroo," which had been the scourge of opponents all season long.
Next season looms heavy on the horizon for the returning players, some of whom will have to shake a late-season scoring drought that eventually caught up with the ShuttleHawks. Coach Rick Malrek is optimistic, though many fans are disappointed with the quick loss in his second season as the ShuttleHawks' coach.
I came to Kansas from Guyana because I had a dream to play badminton in the States. I won't let that dream die. Rock Chalk ShuttleHawk, baby."
L”
Londino Latrice
Guyana sophomore
"Losses happen and it's rough," he said, "But we'll move on because we're a bad minton team and we're made
of tough stuff. I have a lot of good players who will continue to develop over the coming years. We're focusing especially on strength and endurance training with the
younger guys."
Sophomore Londino Latrice uses his own personal journey to remind him that brighter days are ahead.
Though he put on one of the worst performances of his young career in the season-ender, he remains optimistic.
"I came to Kansas from Guyana because I had a dream to play badminton in the States," the 19-year-old mused. "I won't let that dream die. Rock Chalk ShuttleHawk, baby."
Edited by Ross Fitch
PC CRAZY
Border rivalry renamed ... again
University of Kansas Athletic Director Lew Perkins announced yesterday that the official title of the KU-Missouri rivalry would be altered in order to avoid what he referred to as "an overly competitive sense of competition."
Perkins noted that the official moniker of the rivalry, "The Border Showdown," was too confrontational and might send the wrong message to impressionable students of both universities.
"I've spoken with Missouri's AD, Michael Alden, and we both agreed that the current name did a disservice to the actual showdowns that are going on in other areas of the world," Perkins said in his weekly press conference. "The word 'showdown' has such a powerful meaning to those who are involved in them, that we did not want to risk offending them. Granted no one has complained yet, but there is the potential that someone may complain at some point in the future, so we must be proactive."
Perkins announced that the rivalry would be renamed the
"Border Co-existence" in reference to the fact that both universities do co-exist. Perkins said that the new name would encourage Kansas fans to think of the University of Missouri as a neutral entity and not as a rival.
As part of his continuing efforts to completely emasculate the Kansas sports image, Perkins has also stated that any shirts, signs or chants that encourage the University to succeed at the expense of others would also be prohibited.
"I go to sporting events and see T-shirts that say 'Muck Fizzou' or 'Go Jayhawks' and I worry that we're sending the wrong message to our kids." Perkins said. "After all, the purpose of collegiate sports isn't to beat other teams — it's to generate revenue." Perkins finished the press conference by stating that with new corporate sponsorship, the official title of the rivalry would be "ESPN presents the Cooper Tires Border Co-existence sponsored by Nextel."
--- Will Lamborn
THE STUFF
McGwire tear juiced for Congress hearing
A medical expert discovered that former baseball player Mark McGwire injected tearoids into his buttock prior to the steroid congressional hearing March 25. Tearoids are a newly developed drug that enables one to create tears without any emotional feeling whatsoever.
"I'm not surprised," former McGwire teammate Jose Canseco said. "I think I'm pretty sure that Mark did tearoids when we were playing for the A's."
When told that tearoids were created just last month, a confused Canseco responded,
"Well, I know he did steroids.
He did steroids. Believe me. I saw him do them several, twice,
I mean at least 200 times."
receive sympathy from the American people by balling in front of Congress. McGwire continues to vehemently deny the use of steroids despite the fact that he is neckless with a bad case of acne, experiencing constant mood swings and is beginning to need a "Bro" to support his man boobs.
McGwire allegedly injected the drugs in an attempt to
When reached for comment about his use of tearoids and steroids by the University Daily Kansan, McGwire said he was unwilling to talk about the past.
"I'll only talk about the future," McGwire said. "I want to keep this positive. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I didn't do steroids. I wish Canseco would just shut his face. Do I look like I did steroids?"
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C. J. Moore
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