THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
Freedom from Negativity
How to respond to the people in your life who bring you down
By Erin Shipp, Jayplaywriter
"That's
that's not good enough.
“You'd look better if you lost weight.”
“Can you believe what she did?” “If no one else is going to do this, then it guess it's up to me again.” There are many phrases negative people use to hurt others. It’s the proverbial “if you hadn’t... then I wouldn’t have...” Chances are we can all fill in those blanks with something because we’ve experienced people like this in our lives.
Rather than constant criticism, some people influence our lives with negative actions such as smothering, selfishness or basically running over anyone to get what they want, says Erin Snodgrass, mental health clinician for Valeo Behavioral Health Care in Topeka.
Traci Kaiser, Overland Park senior, encountered a negative influence during his freshman year of college. His roommate and best friend from high school transformed from the typical good student to a lazy, video game-obessed person who stopped going to class and spent a lot of time in their room with his girlfriend. "I thought I knew him, but it became really hard to focus," says Kaiser. "There were people constantly in and out of our room."
Kaiser's roommate would tell him to loosen up, have more fun and not worry about the messy room. "He would say things that seemed like nothing to him but really affected me," Kaiser says. Soon, because of his roommate's influence,
playing video games became easier for Kaiser than reading a book or doing homework.
Recognizing negative behavior involves trusting your instincts. Snodgrass says many people can try to demean others in ways that make people question and doubt their instincts. She says people look to blame outside circumstances as well. She gives an example of a woman who had it all: a great job and a rich and loving husband. When her son died at age 21, she began drinking, and 30 years later she still uses her son's death as an excuse. The woman has negatively impacted her family by refusing to look at her own actions. Her husband prompted her to seek treatment many times, but she quickly relapsed after each. While drunk she went into fits of rage directed toward her family. Eventually her family got sick of it and she ended up divorced with little contact with her daughter.
Kaiser tried to deal with his roommate by sitting down and talking to him, thinking that he had a good enough relationship with him to do so. One of these talks eventually led to a fistfight, which served as their breaking point. Kaiser wanted to move out, but when there were no rooms available, he had to change his strategy. He says he had to be willing to ignore things and let them roll off his back. Instead of waiting and letting things get to him, he would immediately and politely confront his roommate about the things that bothered him. "It's all about knowing how to communicate with individuals," Kaiser says. "I had to adjust how I normally reacted to deal with him."
People who feel bad about themselves will usually treat others poorly. When they feel good about themselves, they have no motivation to run others down, Snodgrass says. Dealing with negative people can be difficult, but it involves recognizing the negativity as their problem and not your own. Being polite but detaching yourself emotionally works, but the best approach is not to react to them, Snodgrass says. They will find easier prey.
Dealing with negative people is only half the battle. Healing from the pain they've caused can be even more difficult. First you must realize that you can't control other people. It involves getting to a
point where you don't take it personally anymore and understand it's about them and how they deal with people, Snodgrass says. "The deal is, resentment and bitterness doesn't hurt them." Snodgrass says. "It just hurts us and robs us of the joy in life."
She says there will always be negative people around somewhere and you can't let them get under your skin. Even if you have to fake politeness at first, she says you'll be surprised at the results.
Kaiser and his former roommate are no longer friends, but he says the experience has made him a better person. "I've learned how to put my foot down," says Kaiser. "I was not so strong-minded before."
eshipps@kansan.com
We're Topless and Kegless ( We don't sell kegs)
The Top 10 Reasons to shop at Toppless and forget the Keg
10. No more wasted beer. (What you don't drink that night is put as good the next day.)
6. Not as messy as a key
5. No tap or keg deposit (More money for kegs)
3. 165 cans = 1 keg
Topper Liquor
Formerly Discount Liquor
1805 W. 2nd阶 to Holiday Lane)
830-8014
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY
KANSAN
- Not actual KUID and not affiliated with the KU Card Center