OPINION
PAGE 2A
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
WWW.KANSAN.COM/STORIES/TONGUENBEAK
BOOK PIMP
Actually I do laugh all the way to the bank
Hi there. You don't know me personally, though you might have driven by one of my summer mansions before and asked, "What kind of person can afford that kind of place?"
Well, I'll tell you what kind of person: Me. And you know how I made all that money? By charging students like you hundreds of dollars for textbooks.
Oh sure, there's something written on those pages, probably something that your professor told you is important to learn.
Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I really don't know or care what's on those pages. Sometimes we spellcheck them, but usually not. Half that stuff is made up anyways. Let's stop talking about textbooks. I don't spend much time on them.
In fact, I would say I spend 10 percent of my time working on textbooks and the other 90 percent swimming in my big vault of money. Let me tell you — it's the life! What? Do I hear you complaining? Are you questioning
TEXTBOOK EDITOR
satire@hansan.com
me?
Bam, I just raised the prices 20 bucks. You know I could raise prices, and you would still pay them.
Besides, why are you upset? It's just daddy's dinero anyways. Oh? What that's? You have to work two jobs just to pay for school? You really can't afford it? Well that's too bad. I have to go to work, too. Though at my work, I sit at a gold table with the text execs, shouting out random prices and deciding if you would pay them. The answer of course is yes, but still it always gets a big laugh when someone shouts out a number like $7,332. I imagine you going without food for a semester
in order to scrape together money to buy one book. Oh, that's a deep belly laugh. That one always gets me.
I'm sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh, about me laughing to the bank. Actually that's not entirely true. I never actually go into the bank.
I just wait outside in my stretch limo while my two man-child assistants wheel the money in on wheelbarrows. The laughing part though is correct — sometimes for hours. Whenever I'm feeling
down I just think about some outrageous deed we've done. Like the philosophy book we put out last semester that was 80 percent pictures we took off the Internet. The price? $220. That's right, 220 big ones. That's more than 90 percent of what philosophy majors will make a year after they graduate.
Oh, the laughs.
▼ HICK EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY
- Editor is a Lawrence resident with oodles and oodles of cash.
Gays get opportunity for 'Straight Camp'
Legislators in Kansas decided to kick queers while they're down this week. Conservatives and religious leaders proposed an addition to the gay marriage ban, on which the public will vote Tuesday.
"Because our conservative religious stronghold will be at the polls anyway, we may as well try to wipe out the gay population altogether," said Sen. Phil Journey, (R-Haysville).
Wednesday, Journey, along with other conservatives and religious leaders, said that a ban on gay marriage was not enough. He proposed a six-step plan to eliminate homosexuals called the Gays Go to Straight Camp Act. A Citadel-trained task force would round up all gays and lesbians in Kansas and take them to a camp where they could be "corrected," Journey said. For now the plan focuses on gay men.
AUSTIN CASTER
acaster@kansan.com
"My plan would not only eliminate the gay population, but also help the economy by creating thousands of jobs," journey said.
For homosexuals to be released back into society, they will have to pass six rigorous tests including fashion, hunting, fishing, beer-guzzling, baseball and scratching/croft adjustments.
Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton would be stripped from all gay men's closets. Journey said.
Each male camper would wear a uniform composed of an adjustable baseball cap, a NASCAR tank top, dark blue sweat pants and hiking boots. Flannel button-downs would be distributed during cold weather.
"We have to get them used to dressing normal," said the Rev. Jerry Johnston, pastor of First Family Church in Overland Park.
The Reverend proposed setting aside a wildlife reserve for the hunting segment. Even if bucks are not in season, their deaths will serve the greater cause, he said.
"God wanted man to be master over animals didn't be?" Johnston said. "I think our Savior would agree that this is a worthy cause."
The reserve would also be used for fishing. The homosexuals will have to catch and clean a bass no shorter than 28 inches.
Proponents agree that beer-guzzling is a valuable part of both hunting and fishing. Baseball, the next test, is considered one of most important.
"It's called America's pastime for a reason," Journey said. "We'll juice them up with roids if we have to, as long as they can hit a freaking baseball when they leave."
While the topic of baseball was on the floor, several sports fans brought up the importance of butt-scratching and adjusting oneself, so the Legislature considered adding a clause to include those behaviors.
Liberals led by Rep. Paul Davis (D-Lawrence) called the plan ludicrous.
"We're setting America back another 50 years," Davis said. "Doesn't the Bible say that God loves all people?"
Conservatives said because they had the majority, they did not expect to have difficulty passing the amendment.
"Liberals threatened to move to Canada when Bush was reelected," Journey said. "In time they will conform."
Caster is a Shawnee senior and currently reports on the Bible Belt.
'Movie guy' dispels movie myths
YOU HOLD THE POPCORN. ILL HOLD THE TALKING
Dear Movie Guy.
Man, "Easy Rider" is so trippy. What were Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda smoking?
— Buzzed in Bonner Springs
Dear Buzzed.
Shortly after the film's release Hopper said, "We smoked hashish, right out of the peace pipe. Chief Hummingbird flew down on the back of a griffin and smoked us all out. I remember Jack Nicholson and Gen. George Armstrong Custer playing darts in the back of a bar in San Antonio. The rest is hazy."
Dear Movie Guy,
Growing up, my favorite movie was "The Godfather." I especially liked the part where the Hollywood producer wakes up with the stallion's head in his bed. Was that a real stallion's head in that scene or was it a fake one?
— Remembering in Russell
The head belonged to
STEPHEN SHUPE
sshupe@kansan.com
Dear Remembering.
Dear Movie Guy,
Tony the Horse, the notorious hit man. Tony worked for the Tataglia brothers, who sent him to kill Luca Brasi on the night of Connie Corleone's wedding. The four-legged assassin, who had been seen drinking heavily at the Corleone estate that afternoon, fell down a flight of stairs while on his way up to Luca's apartment. Luca shot the horse, hacked off his head and mailed it to Hollywood.
When I watch "The Empire Strikes Back," I'm always impressed by the puppet work in the scenes with Yoda. Was that a challenge for the filmmakers?
- Impressed in lola
Dear Impressed,
George Lucas threatened
to fire Yoda twice on that picture. He used The Force to make the crew forget about scenes he didn't want to shoot. "Yoda, though a formidable Jedi master, is not a professional actor. He keeps humping my leg between takes," Luke Skywalker said at the time. Yoda replied, "Insolent, my young Padawan is." Not surprisingly, Lucas chose to create a digital Yoda for the new "Star Wars" films.
Dear Movie Guy,
My wife thinks Frodo and Sam have a homosexual relationship in "The Lord of the Rings." I think this is one of the greatest platonic male friendships in movie history. Who's right?
Platonic in Prairie Village
Dear Platonic,
Your wife's right — Frodo and Sam are all about hobbit love.
*Shupe is an Augusta graduate student and really does know it all.*
'Kansan' Election Guide
With Student Senate elections just days away, here's how the three coalitions stand on the issues
| | KUnited | Delta Force | Student Voice |
| :--- | :--- | :--- | :--- |
| Most important platform issue | Bring The Wheel to The Underground. | Move out of Justin Mill's shadow. | Have someone take us seriously. |
| Other platform issue | Provide a free pair of Uggs and/or flip flops to every student. | Provide a free pair of Chucks to every student. | Provide nothing to students — we already pay enough in tuition. |
| Secret wish platform | Bring back "Yellow Bike" program, because that was such a rousing success. | Hire Chuck Norris as Chancellor. | Get dates. |
| Ongoing legislative work | Working to sell off even more student seating at Allen Fieldhouse to raise money for Jaywalk. | Working with other national activist groups to sponsor "Hands Across America 2005." | Working to attain "master wizard" status in Dungeons & Dragons. |
| Fundraising methods | Foam parties. | Not-so-free lovin' with Delta Force candidate of your choice. | Talk smack about other coalitions on thefacebook.com and xanga.com — hope that added exposure brings in more funds. |
| Goals for next year | Get somebody, anybody, to use Jaywalk system. | Cancel class on April 20. | See if any platform issues are feasible. |
| Campaign Slogan | Vote for us. We're going to win anyway. | Vote for us for REAL change, you know, like changing up KU Info and condom dispensers. | A third party — as vital to campus politics as it is to national politics. |
| Campaign Uniform | Sign Red and blue striped flag. Uniform Jean skirt, bid day shirt. | Sign Blue fist on yellow background. Uniform Hemp necklace, dashiki, dandruff. Patchouli oil sold separately. | Sign Non existent. Uniform Ellsworth 7 shirt, shirt we bought from Chipotle, high school letter jacket. |
| Campaign Spokesperson | P. Diddy | Che Guevara | "Chippy" the Chipotle Burrito Mascot |
| Promotional efforts | Cover every damn inch of campus with chalk. | Throw a house party for all the freshmen. | Throw accusations at the incumbent party. |
| Product Tie-Ins | KUnited tanning passes | Delta Force Merc membership | Student Voice “Magic: The Gathering” card set |
| Election Day Message | No, we swear "Yellow Bike" was a success until everybody started stealing the bikes. | We are the world, We are the children, We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving ... | Just because Vision and Lord Wads were complete failures doesn't mean we will be, too. |
Note: The stories on this page offer only inaccurate information from fake sources. Welcome to the world of make-believe.
X
/
---
}