LITTERING CAMPUS SINCE 1904
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
VOL.115 ISSUE 123
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
WWW.KANSAN.COM/STORIES/TONGUEINBEAK
HIS NEW HOUSE
God's coming to campus!
University to build Creationist Science Center on the Hill
BY OWEN MORIS
satire@hansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITER
The University of Kansas Alumni Association announced yesterday that an anonymous donor gave the University $10 million to fund a building and start a new science department devoted to the research and study of the theory of intelligent design. The building/department still have to be approved by the Board of Regents and Chancellor Robert Hemenway. If given the green light this would create the first science department of its kind at any accredited university in the United States. According to the current plans, the building would stand where the
Multicultural Resource Center currently is located. The MRC is already scheduled to move into the expansion of the Kansas Union between the Union and the Union's parking garage in August 2006.
If plans go smoothly, crews could demolish the old MRC building and start construction on the new building as soon as summer 2006. An early design shows a three-story building with classrooms on the first level, a church on the second level and research labs and offices on the third level.
"This is a glorious day which proves science and religion do not have to be opposites, but can study and learn from one another." Reverend Paul Brown of the
First Divinity Church of God said in a phone interview. "Intelligent design will finally be taught and scrutinized with the same scientific tools that evolution has been. Maybe this can finally allow scientists to come to a conclusion based on science and not on their own biases against Christianity."
Artist rendering hv Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
The design shows the building would have a 20-foot-tall statue of praying hands at the base of the entrance, which the donor requested, saying it represented "all scientists who pray that man will one day find the real truth about its past."
"I think it is a good idea," Robert Biggums, Hutchinson sophomore, said. "I always hear all this talk about all this proof about evolution and how studies
"We will be the laughing stock of every other science department in the country," Alan Gentry, assistant professor of biology, said. "I'm praying that this does not go through, though not in the same way that these people pray. There's so much real research that's in desperate need of financing."
confirm it, but they always use big confusing words like primordial and environmental adaptation. The Bible explains it in two simple words, 'Adam and Eve.' I've never seen evolution, but I have seen the Bible."
"That's just the small minded simpleton reasoning we've come to expect from those scientists," Reverend Brown said in response to Gentry's comment.
Separation of church and state will only occur as a result of steel and sheet rock at the University's new Creationist Science Center. The church will house God on the second floor, classrooms on the first floor and research labs and offices on the third floor.
The chancellor's office had no comment when contacted yesterday, though it is known that the chancellor keeps a pair of praying
hands on his desk April Fool's!
SPRING BREAK LIES
— Edited by Jennifer Voldness
Break: 'not awesome'
BY CHRIS CRAWFORD
ccrawford@hansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITER
Following last week's spring break, Heidi Mellencall, Blue Valley junior, told friends and roommates that she "raged" in Cancun, Mexico, for the past week. She admitted yesterday that she in fact spent her break at home at her parents' house.
"I couldn't believe it," Staci Bettendorf, Chicago junior and Mellencall's friend, said. "She's so tan and she talked about being in a wet T-shirt contest. She said she hooked up with Fat Joe."
Mellencall came clean, saying that she went to a tanning salon every other day to give herself a bronze, spring-break glow.
She admitted that most of her Cancun stories came from half-hour segments which aired on MTV's "Spring Break" series.
"I actually dook up with Fat Joe, but he works at the Subway around the corner from my parents." Mellencall said.
"She told us she was a contestant on 50 Cent's 'Spring Break Candy Shop,' whatever that means," Mellencall's mother Judy said. "She doesn't even like sweets."
Mellencall told friends that she met Beyonce and that she seemed really smart. She also said Rob Schneider was better looking in person.*
"We should have figured it out then," friend Heather Stevens said.
Mellencall tried to emulate the Cancun spring break she had hoped for by not bathing regularly, drinking excessively and acting slutty, which she said included entering a wet T-shirt contest in downtown Kansas City. Mo.
"I really was gross," Mellencall said. "I woke up most mornings sweating booze. I let a guy named Fat Joe do tequila shots out of my belly button because he gave me extra Subway stamps, and I was in a wet T-shirt contest with five ladies my mom's age who had more scars than teeth."
Junior Heidi Mellencall celebrates her 13th beer at the wet bar in her parent's basement. Mellencall drank alone in the split-level's dark first floor most nights during spring break. Mellencall claims she's rated PG for "Party Girl."
- Edited by Ross Fitch
Photo illustration by Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
KU GETS EXTREME MAKEOVER
Hot, new image for University
BY SAM HOPKINS
satire@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITER
The University of Kansas has again hired outside consultants to help shape the school's image. This time though, our beloved Jayhawk mascot may end up revealing a bare midriff and a lower back tattoo.
HotProduct, Inc., has come on board the University's public relations ship with plenty of accomplishments under its belt, including MTV's "Real World vs. Road Rules Challenge" series and musician John Tesh's 2002 "Boo-Ya!" World Tour.
"I wouldn't say we create new personalities for clients, but we sure overhaul the old ones," HotProdukt co-founder and chief operating officer Lesley Franks said by phone from the firm's New York headquarters. "Kansas students can rest assured that we will add to the school's existing image, not take away from it."
Some disagree, including KU Bookstore employee Rachel Lyons, Salina sophomore, who said, "They'll probably want us to print Applebee's logos on exam book books or something. I don't trust them."
Consensus or not, plans are under way for the University's first HotProdukt-coordinated lecture series to be called "J-Hizze."
"We wanted to give you guys Flavor Flav and Mini-Me or someone who would really get a rise to start things off. But then the administration asked us to suggest someone a little more academic," Franks said. "So, the inaugural lecture will be given by author Randolph Craydsale, whose 1999 book, 'Go Ahead and Hit Me!', was a best seller. He's smart, but he's got an edge for sure. The things he says about carbon not really being the basis of life on Earth really get a rise out of people."
Craysdale's opens his 2002 pamphlet "Carbon, Schmarbon!" with:
"So we should just believe some scientists because they did a few experiments? Give me a break. If I'm made of the same stuff as charcoal, then I'd like to see someone try to throw me in a grill and cook hot dogs with me at the family barbecue." Craysdale wrote. "I'll give you a good punch in the gut before that happens, buddy!"
Craysdale's confrontational tone and pseudo-scientific analysis have not, made him any friends in academic circles, but University administration officials remain open to HotProductukt plans, despite their apprehension.
"We have faith in the overarching goal of increased exposure for the University of Kansas," Tammy Weidrich, vice provost for media relations, said. "I think students have to take the good with the bad and look toward the future. I'm from Milwaukee, and everyone thought the Jeffrey Dahmer case would bring shame to our city. But then, 10 years later, we got a new baseball stadium."
Following the above example, even questionable media attention may allow the University to reap long-term benefits. Students and faculty will soon be able to voice their approval or dismay at the school's short-term plans and Craysdale himself.
— Edited by Laura Francoviglia
Note: The stories on this page offer only inaccurate information from fake sources. Welcome to the world of make-believe.
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© 2005 The University Daily Kansan
Badminton team loses One shot short. The badminton team is stunned in huge upset. Can our campus of badminton-loving fans cope? What's next after the star seniors leave? Sounds like the weight room for our young players. PAGE 14A
Textbook business laughs at your poverty The "Textbook Editor" explains how overpriced books help line his pockets. Without your support he couldn't buy diamond-lined underwear. PAGE 2A
Wal-Mart family buys fieldhouse for daughter The Laurie family has once again put a price on a priceless monument. Paige Laurie says Allen Fieldhouse will now be "the sweetest, most awesomist fieldhouse ever." PAGE 14A
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