The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie Movie (☆☆1/2)
DVD (☆☆)
Soundtrack (✩✩1/2)
PG,90 minutes
The issue of SpongeBob Squarepants' sexuality has created a firestorm of controversy in recent months. With the release of the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie on DVD, I knew that it was time for me to sit down and figure out once and for all: Is SpongeBob gay?
City to retrieve King Neptune's crown. Despite the mutual camaraderie of SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick also seems genuinely attracted to King Neptune's daughter, Mindy.
all is SpongeBob guy.
Unfortunately, watching the film yields only a few contradictory clues. Yes, SpongeBob does seem very comfortable in others' personal space, but it comes across as more awkward than sexual. The plot of the movie is your basic roadtrip variation, as SpongeBob and his friend/life partner Patrick journey to Shell
Sexuality aside, the movie is also notable for containing what will soon be
Eventually, SpongeBob and Patrick are successful and learn valuable life lessons, but not much is resolved regarding their relationship. I thought the DVD extras might yield more clues to SpongeBob's orientation, but again no luck. The disc does contain a few short documentaries
universally recognized as the single greatest cameo of all time: David Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff is in perfect form as himself, and he helps the two intrepid travelers to return home with the crown. Obviously, this film marks the return of Hasselhoff to Hollywood's A-List, and I for one can't wait to see what he turns up in next.
about the film that I am sure no one will ever watch. I discovered that the visual inspiration for SpongeBob was a kitchen sponge — which seems kind of obvious in retrospect — but nary a whisper about sexual predilections.
sexual predicates
What about the soundtrack? I wanted to see whether the music of the movie could
tell us anything. I was looking for something like The Indigo Girls to help tip the scales, but the closest I could find was Avril Lavigne, and it turns out she's just Canadian (and not very talented, either). The problem for any music lover who purchases the soundtrack is that any actual song by Wilco, The Flaming Lips or The Shins is sandwiched between songs Patrick and SpongeBob sing. The CD is discontinuous and altogether uninspired (with the exception of a catchy Ween song).
song). After viewing all the evidence, I think I can put the issue of SpongeBob's sexuality to rest once and for all. Verdict: SpongeBob is not gay; he's asexual. Or rather, he's devoid of any actual form or sexuality since he's really just a bizarre anthropomorphic cartoon.
Will Lamborn
All images courteous of www.movies.yahoo.com
The Pacifier (☆☆)
PG,91 Minutes, South Wind12
It appears Vin Diesel is following the Arnold Schwarzenegger three-step plan for Hollywood superstardom. Step One: Establish yourself as a hulky action hero. Set Two: Diversify into sappy family comedies. Step Three: Run for governor.
comedies. Step Three:
Having completed step one, Diesel is now moving onto that same sort of wholesome, dull entertainment that turned "The Terminator" into "That dude from Kindergarten Cop," and unfortunately, the transition is a little rough. Diesel fills the screen well, and his physique holds up admirably. But, Diesel
has a difficult time giving his dialogue the necessary emotional resonance. In his defense, the script is entirely lacking of any resonance as well.
Diesel plays Shane Wolfe, badass Navy SEAL, who is given his toughest assignment yet: Play nanny to a houseful of spoiled kids. The plot, which is more suited to a sitcom than a film, contains a litany of poorly transitioned scenarios that deal with everything from changing diapers to driver's ed.
Here are just a few of the valuable items I learned from this film: South Korea is bad, but America is great. Bullies are bad, but inflicting violence is perfectly acceptable as long as the villain is a one-dimensional goon. Proper hygiene is important. It's really sad when your father dies, but quickly replacing him with a beefy surrogate is just fine. Cooperation is about trust and caring. When you're attacked by ninjas, never call the cops; instead, go on a high-speed car chase. Love is most powerful emotion of all. And finally, no soundtrack is ever complete without some good old Smash Mouth.
The movie's worst offense is the heavy-handed lecturing that permeates this (and every) Disney film. It's bad enough watching a film that isn't funny, but when it tries to teach you moral lessons, it becomes unbearable.
Will Lamborn
Be Cool
PG-13, 114 minutes. Playing at South Wind 12
Be Cool is a sequel that knows it's a sequel. Not only that, but it's a sequel that knows it's a BAD sequel. Get Shorty, the first film about mafia shylock-turned movie producer Chili Palmer, was a smart, well-acted dark comedy based on an Elmore Leonard novel. Its sequel, Be Cool is also based on an Elmore Leonard, but, unlike its predecessor, doesn't take itself seriously. This would be forgivable if the film was good for more than a handful of laughs, but, alas, it is not.
laughs, but, alas, it is not Be Cool picks up 10 years after Get Shorty. Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is tired of how dishonest the film business has become. After going into a club to watch a singer named Linda Moon (Christina Milian), he is inspired to switch professions from movie producer to manage the supposedly talented Linda. The rest of the plot surrounds Chili's various dealings with trademark Elmore Leonard bad guys to make Linda a star.
bad guys to make friends. The film is packed with so many characters that it's hard to focus on what's going on. Each character has their own trademark quirk: Vince Vaughn plays a white guy obsessed with acting like a black pimp; The Rock plays an ambiguously gay Samoan bodyguard/wannabe actor; Cedric the Entertainer is an upper class
music mogul who acts like he's from the ghetto; and throw in a group of Russian mobsters and a rap group/posse led by Outkast's André Benjamin. Edie (Uma Thurman) partners with Chili as a widow and record label manager, and in an obvious throwback to Travolta's Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction, the two show off their dancing moves in one of the film's better scenes.
All of this makes for a star-power jumble, and director F. Gary Gray doesn't know what to make of it. The gags aren't funny, and even the ones that are get painfully overused. Be Cool is a dark comedy that forgot it was supposed to be funny.
Jon Ralston
03.10.05 Jayplay
15