Wescoe wit
[Oh, you guys say some of the darndest things.]
Not to make you all scared, but we're eavesdropping on your conversations. Yes, we hear everything. And then we print it. But don't worry if you say something stupid, we won't identify you — unless you owe us money or beer.
Girl: (on cell phone) What you need to do is come get me right now.
Girl: Right now.
Girl: No, you don't.
Girl: Well, because I'm stranded here now because of your stupid ass!
Guy: (on cell phone) Yeah, I got the money.
Guy: Yeah, all of it.
**Guy:** Yeah, all of it.
**Guy:** And who's going to come over here and try to do *that*? You?
Guy 1: What are you going to get, like, a screaming weasel?
screaming weasel
Guy 2: I don't know. I've been to the place, like, four times and never gotten one.
Guy 3: What?
Guy 3: What
Guy 1: Yeah, you get all shy and stuff.
Guy 2: No, I just don't want to pay $70 for one.
one.
Guy 1: Yeah, it's like, just give me a needle and some ink —I'll do it myself.
Robert Perkins
Five questions
One KU "famous," one KU not (yet) famous
Shannon O'Connor Emporia senior Men's basketball team manager
Patrick Housby Independence sophomore
team manager
Q: What CD is in your CD player right now?
Music's Turning Point. He's
right now
O'Connor: Mario's Turning Point. He's
kind of new on the scene. I worked in
New York for a TV station and I took care
of him one day, so I'm his big fan.
I can't sit it, but I think it's
of him one day, so I'm in his thigh.
Housby: I hate to say it, but I think it's Lil' Flip. I don't remember which CD of his it is, though.
Q: Do you have any nicknames?
O: Do you have any nicknames?
O'Connor: People call me Sko because those are my initials, and everywhere I go I write my initials.
Housby: Yeah, people call Patry or Fat Pat.
Q: What's the worst haircut you've ever had?
ever had?
O'Connor: Oh, God. Senior year of high school, two weeks before I was nominated for homecoming queen. I
did a hair show for L'Oreal and they chopped off my long blond hair into a short little brown bob and gave me bangs. Like this haircut that's in style now, but it was four years ago. So they're like, "Oh, it's going to be in style soon," but I'm like, "I live in the Midwest, so it's not going to be here any time soon." It was mortifying. I don't ever cry, and I definitely cried all day.
all day.
Housby: Flat top, definitely. Probably about 10 years ago. I still remember it – it was pretty shocking.
Q: What's your favorite Rocky movie?
that Rocky is
'O'Connor; I don't know. (Looks
over at Bill Cross, Kansan sports edi-
tor, whose idea the question was.
He holds up four fingers.) I'll go with
four.
movie?
Housby: Which one is the one where he fights the Russian guy, is that Rocky 3?
Q: In a fight between King Kong and Godzilla, who wins?
and Godzilla, who
O'Connor: Hmm... Let's go with
Godzilla.
Godzilla.
Housy: Godzilla. He's got special powers. King Kong's... a monkey.
Robert Perkins
Giving the how-to on hand jobs.
I'm starting to get bogged down with all my school work and am having less and less free time to spend with my girlfriend. I think it's starting to bother her, too. I can't slack off from my class work because I have to keep my scholarship, but I need to make more time. Any ideas? Mike, sophomore
Jessi: For dates, take her to your classes or the library and tell her that it's on the list of all-time hottest dates for college couples. After she slugs you hard, let her know what's really up, that although your relationship is a priority in your life school is what will potentially give you the future you (and she, trophy wife-to-be) desire. I'm sure she'll be content knowing you had the nerve to rally up a self-inflicted "relationship talk."
sife will be conflicted "relationship talk."
Chris: Financial aid is overrated. I mean, the average college grad now enters the "real world" with more than $18,000 in unpaid student loans. Don't you want to be a normal college student? Eff the scholarship requirements, do your best in school, but don't let it keep you from enjoying your life. If you can't keep your scholarship, but you can keep a great relationship going, a few student loans won't ruin your life.
I was hooking up with this girl and she didn't want to have intercourse or go down on me, so she offered to use her hand. After about 10 seconds I knew I wouldn't be able to get off from what she was doing but couldn't think of a nice way to tell her. What would you do?
—Joe, junior
Jessi: I'd tell her the following, verbatim: "Although you've only been masturbating me for 10 seconds, I am psychic and will not be able to achieve orgasm through this method alone. Thank you for trying, and please, have a great day as I continue on my own." Or you could always be a nice guy and kindly show her how you want to be handled.
Chris: Pretend like you're lovin' it. To do this say, "I'm lovin' it!" and kind of shrug your shoulders. Let her continue for hours on end. Then punch yourself for being an idiot. What you should do is put your hand on hers; demonstrate the desired motion, rhythm, grip, etc. She'll learn what it takes, you'll both be happy and you won't have to deal with an un-pleasurable hand job. This advice goes to the ladies too.
I've been talking to this girl for a few weeks----nothing serious----but there's potential. Anyway, neither of us have spring break plans and I'm toying with the idea of inviting her to go on a trip with me. Is this a good idea and; if so, where should we go? Tyler, senior
Jessi: Honestly? I don't think you should sign up to go on a trip with someone you barely know. I know of some lifelong friends I couldn't stand to vacation with. You don't know her strange bathroom habits/odors/noises, and you're more likely to be intolerant of those if you don't know her than if you were in love with her and accepting of those traits.
Chris: Have you ever been on a date and had terrible conversation or none at all? Imagine having that happen an hour into a two-day trip with this girl. Not good. It's risky because you don't know what that vibe will be like. As bad as it could be, a trip together could also be a great excuse to have lots and lots of sex. Tough call. I hear Branson is nice.
Got a burning question? E-mail us at bitch@kansan.com
14
Jayplay 03.10.05