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—Chris Moore
I spent my honeymoon in Branson, Mo. I could say don't knock it 'til you've tried it, but I feel a bit dejected because two of my best friends went to Jamaica and the Bahamas for their honeymoons. It was a nice trip, but sitting through the Dixie Stampede just can't stand up to lounging in a hammock overlooking the crystal-clear, blue waters of the Caribbean. I guess I'll chalk it up with the rest of the ideas I had about marriage that, in the past two years, simply didn't play out as expected.
Grub time
Many girls spend their childhoods dreaming about being married. They dream of the tall, dark and handsome prince who will sweep them off their feet and carry them into a life of perfection. My own dreams of marriage grandeur included candle-lit dinners, romantic vacations and, of course, a sex life to be envied by all. Here are the harsh realities:
Dinner is hardly candle-lit and rarely at the dinner table. Our 1950s dinner table, courtesy of my great grandmother, sits folded in half in our dining/living/office spacrs. It is a magnet for transient papers, homework and usually chocolate, I think we've cleared it off maybe 10 times in two years. No, we usually eat dinner on the floor in front of the television. Although we have TV trays, we're just too lazy to use them. Being the amazing chef that I am, our dinner normally consists of hamburger helper, macaroni and cheese or—if we're lucky — spaghetti. I'm trying to broaden my horizons as the budding cuisine-goddess woman of the household that I should be, but who has the time? In a world of fast-food ecstasy we often find ourselves trying to justify a trip to El Mez
cal or Subway after destroying our apartment looking for money. Who needs to pay bills?
Imaginary vacations
As for romantic vacations, we spent a weekend at a bed and breakfast that nearly broke us. One night in a renovated barn in the country with a pond, an indoor swimming pool, a hot tub and a retreat of 50 middle-aged women. Aside from the cackling, noisy women dancing above our room, it was romantic. Because the women were attending conferences and spent most of their time together, the heated pool and hot tub were all ours. Windows looking out across the moonlit countryside were all around us, and we were in heaven. As bills stack up every month, though, I've learned not to expect vacations very often. We can't afford a road trip, let alone a cruise. And forget about airplane tickets.
My husband and I chose not to have sex before we were married. We had huge expectations and no experience, but contrary to what movies and television tell you, it's not so easy the first time. At least it wasn't for us. Forget wedding night bliss. We were so tired from the whole day that we could barely move. Yes, the moment we had waited four years for, the absolute pinnacle of our wedding day, the catalysmic, life-changing event ended with both of us exhausted and asleep in each other's arms. It was wonderful to be together, however. It was our first time sleeping in a bed together, our first time waking up together and our first road trip together.
Sex
It's
been challeng-
Balancing act
ing, however. It has taken these last two years to semi-master the art of sex, but then it's only when we make the time.
Finding stability is one of the hardest aspects of marriage. Simply put, men need sex and women need emotional closeness. That's not to say that these needs are exclusive to either gender, but the two go hand in hand. Finding time for sex before you're married might be easier. I wouldn't know. But when those vows are over and it's a free romp for the rest of your lives, it kind of takes a spot on the back burner. When work, school, homework and hobbies get in the way of your relationship, neither partner is being fulfilled. But here's the amazing part I've learned: As women, the more focused we are on fulfilling the sexual needs of our husbands, the closer he feels to us and the more emotional fulfillment we'll see. Consequently, the more we'll enjoy and want to have sex. It's circular.
Aside from balancing sex with everything else, finding time to be together also can be difficult. My husband's dreams of knocking off The Edge, befriending Bono and becoming the next rock god means he spends a ton of time playing the guitar. I, on the other hand, have become painfully obsessed with reality TV, which leaves me mesmerized for hours at a time. I don't want to sit and watch him play guitar, and his ability to stare at the TV compares little
mine.
So how do
we reconcile
and find quality time?
akes prioritizing. Of course
It takes prioritizing. Of course we are the most important people in each other's lives, but we might take that for granted sometimes. Going from the single life, where you do whatever you want, to constantly considering another person in your decisions takes a lot of adjustment and sacrifice.
Then and Now
Instead of splitting rent and bills with three other people, it's just the two of us trying to eke our way through on one salary. Doing the household chores now means cleaning up after two people instead of one, which might be my least favorite part of marriage. Instead of hanging out with many different people, it's usually just us. We used to think we'd die before we saw each other again. Now, when we are together, we're probably thinking about something else. Fighting used to be escapable by going home. Now that we share a home, we spend many late nights working out our differences so we don't go to bed angry. But I still love waking up with my husband. I have someone who shares my hopes and dreams. Someone who would stop the world to make me feel better when I am sad. Someone who never gets tired of holding my hand and tells me I'm beautiful every day. Someone I know I can count on, no matter what. Yes, marriage is a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
eshipps@kansan.com
03.03.05 Jayplay
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