Sibling rivalry not just for kids
A battle of wills
Illustration by Austin Gilmore
Unless you are an only child, you can probably remember a time in your life when tormenting your sibling was fun. Laura Koster,Great Bend sophomore, remembers being the baby of the family until her little brother came along. She recalls one Christmas after all the presents were opened, a big box sat empty in the living room.
living room.
"I told my brother we were going to put him in the box and ship him to Africa, and he started crying." Koster says.
he started crying. She says she was just trying to scare him and that she feels bad about it now, but the hair pulling, tattling and sabotage of childhood doesn't always stop when we grow up.
Unreconciled relationships among siblings can lead to more violent acts and even estrangement in adulthood. While most siblings mature over time and learn how to communicate better to resolve their problems, there are always a few that just cannot go along.
just cannot get along.
In childhood, siblings rival for parents' attention and getting their emotional needs met. Siblings may feel that parents give more attention to the other sibling. While this is still an issue for adults in some cases, jealousy arises for different reasons later in life. Whether it's who went to the better college, who is better at what they do, who got married first or who has the better job, as adults, we still deal with issues of envy between those closest to us.
Rosemary Tuggle, director of Clinical Programs for the Family Service and Guidance Center in Topeka, says that rivaling siblings behave more passive aggressively as adults, which looks like tattling or backstabbing.
These behaviors don't appear suddenly in adulthood. They are rooted in years of misunderstandings, judgments, jealousy and assumptions about other people. A continuation of this attitude and unresolved conflicts can carry over into close relationships later in life. It can impact romantic and work relationships, as well as contribute to health issues in the long run.
"Overall ongoing anger and resentment can limit the support and richness that can be found in family life," Tuggle says.
Forgiveness may be difficult in some situations, but it is one of the most powerful tools we possess. Sometimes it takes a mediator with a goal of finding common ground to start with a clean slate and move on. Tuggle says that each individual may need to forgive themselves for past deeds as well as forgiving each other. This process could involve the whole family confronting and helping the fighting siblings to work together.
lings to work together.
Tuggle suggests regularly talking to your sibling about their emotions. Trust is also a big part of any relationship, and clear and open communication facilitates a trusting relationship.
a trusting relationship. For Koster, hair-pulling is a thing of the past. She says her relationship with her brother is good now. They're in different stages of life with different things going on. But every once in a while, she teases that she should have been the baby.
eshipps@kansan.com
The sentimental stuff: part two
Photo contributed by Lars Larson
When Stephanie Filardo's friends saw the announcement in our Valentine's issue that she was giving away her engagement ring, they were shocked that she
wasn't selling it. The Owensville, Mo. junior says she wouldn't have wanted to buy anything with the money from the ring. After her fiancé broke off the engagement, she decided to give the seven-diamond white gold ring, which she estimates is worth $2,500, to a deserving couple. She had 20 couples respond to the announcement and she chose Lars Larson, Atchison senior, and his girlfriend, Christy Rachow, Phillipsburg junior.
Filardo says she chose the couple
because although they plan to marry sometime next year, they're realistic about not rushing into it, which Filardo says may have been the problem in her former relationship. She was also moved by the way he's planning to propose. Sorry, we can't share that — Christy doesn't know yet.
Larson says the couple met at a party in April 2003 and started dating five months later. "It seems like yesterday that we met and now that Christy is in my life, everything seems like it is going a million miles
Flardo. Filardo says she didn't realize the effect her giveaway would have. At the end of one letter, the writer said he was glad he had the opportunity to write out how much he appreciated his girlfriend.
"I think Valentine's Day is a cop out to show appreciation for one day out of the year," Filardo says. "Even for people who didn't submit, it was a chance to get you thinking about why you're with someone and tell them."
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an hour," Larson wrote in his letter to Filardo.
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