Wescoe wit
[Oh, you guys say some of the darndest things. ]
Not to make you all scared,but we're eavesdropping on your conversations. Yes,we hear everything.And then we print it.But don't worry if you say something stupid,we won't identify you—unless you owe us money or beer.
Girl 1: Do you know some skank named...oh I forgot, she's fat and has curly hair?
Guy 1: Uh, no.
Girl 2: Well she hooked up with my roommate.
Guy 1: No way.
Girl 1: I hear she's on crack now.
Guy 1: When's your birthday?
Guy 2: Next Monday.
Guy 1: Nuh uh, you're birthday isn't Valentine's Day.
Guy 2: Don't ask if you don't want to hear.
Guy 1: Man that's gonna suck when you get...oh wait, you'll probably never get married.
Guy1: (Walking with girl)
Guy 2: (Trips guy 1 from behind)
Guy 1: What the heck?! Hey man,
these are my new sneaks!
Guy 2: Oh, sorry dude.
Guy 2: Oh, sorry dude.
Guy 1: You should be.
Erin Shipps
Five questions
One KU "famous," one KU not (yet) famous
The late "Sparky," the squirrel who hopped in a transformer on Feb. 23 and killed power on campus for a couple of hours
Erin May, Olathe junior
Q: Who would play you in a movie about your life?
Sparky: Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Oh yeah, in my movie, I'd be able to fly and be best friends with a stupid moose.
Erin: Claire Danes. I was obsessed with My So-Called Life.
Q: What's your favorite night spot in Lawrence?
Erin: The back porch of the Jazzhaus. I've participated in illegal activities out there.
Sparky: A nice, quiet tree overlooking Clinton Lake. Well, or maybe the Wheel. Sometimes the drunk kids drop their pizza crust and I get a late-night snack.
Erin: There's so many to choose!
The genre of Sum 41—whiny, mydad-hates-me, I-can't-get-a-date-injunior-high music.
Q: If you had to eat the same meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
What band's music would you destroy and scrap from history forever?
Erin: Thanksgiving dinner, made by my grandma. Only the turkey would have to be substituted with Tofurkey, now that I'm a "vege."
Sparky: Clusters cereal, Planter's peanuts and beef jerky. Or anything I could steal from birds.
Sparty: Alvin and the Chipmunks. They give neighborhood rodents everywhere a bad name. My voice never sounded that high and obnoxious.
Q: What's your biggest pet peeve?
Erin: Small repetitive noises and white dairy products...not necessarily together.
Sparky: Sometimes I'd be crossing the street and people would speed up when they saw me in the middle of the road ... annoying!
— Paige Worthy
By Jessi Crowder and Chris Tackett
Are you in love with a bitch?
Q. Two of my friends were planning on living together next year, and another one of our friends assumed she'd be living with us too, because she mentioned how we should go apartment-hunting soon. I didn't know what to say, so I just played it off. How should we break it to her that we weren't planning on living with her?
Courtney, freshman
Chris: I too have friends who are great people, but would be terrible to live with! Just kidding. I don't have friends. But if I did and forgot to tell one of them that I would rather make her cry than let her live with me, here's what I'd do. First, figure out the gentlest way to break the bad news. Then tell her as a group. Things might be tense for a week or so, especially while she tries to find an alternative place to live. Maybe she could find an apartment in your same building?
Jessi: The next time she mentions apartment hunting, explain to her your dilemma, or rather her dilemma of finding new friends that won't ditch her. It would also be considerate of you to mention she needs to find a new apartment with those new friends.
I've fallen in love with this girl who isn't the greatest person most of the time. She is wonderful when she is around me and we have a great time together, but we are not dating. She tells me she doesn't want a boyfriend, but then she goes and sleeps with her ex. What should I do?
-A.C.,junior
Jessi: If you can't see the woman you love as wonderful all the time, is she really worth it to you? It's probably true she doesn't want a relationship... with you, but it definitely appears she wants something with her ex. Trust me when I say there are women who will think you are the greatest person ever, and as an added bonus, they won't diddle their exes. Yeah!
Chris: From what you've said, it sounds like she just isn't into you. When certain exes have an established sexual history, it's often tempting to settle on sex with them than going through the process of starting something new. For your situation, this blows. I'd make out with one of her friends and if she gets jealous, she's yours for the taking. Not really.
I am an international student and so far, I am discovering college life at KU rather bleak, if not unbearable. The only consolation for me at KU is seeing all the beautiful girls on campus. I find myself attracted to the American girls here. I have never been with an American girl and find it hard to strike up a conversation. It would be a shame to go back home without experiencing some sort of cross-cultural romance. Any advice? —Fez,sophomore
Jessi: I suggest you go to parties with hot tubs and say things like "would you like...to touch...my penis?" and "I am a sex machine" in a really hot accent. No, seriously, just approach the girl.
Chris: College life at KU *is* bleak. IT'S WINTER! Once spring comes around, American girls get all slutty and wear skimpy little "outfits" and "cute tops." And they'll sleep with anybody that feigns interest. This is where you come in. Figure out a clever way to start a conversation. Try "I'm lost. Where is this nation's capital?" or "My homework is hurting me. How's yours?" She'll laugh and you can smoothly say "Ha ha, I'm joshing you I'm actually not lost and simply trying to score with your hot American ass."
Got a burning question? E-mail us at bitch@kansan.com