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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
EDITORS NOT
"Oh my God, we're back again! Tongue In Beak's back — alright!"
CHRIS CRAWFORD
ccrawford@kunsan.com
That's right, they've let us publish two editions now. And I'd like to say, to all the haters: Don't hate the player, hate the rapper who decided to call himself, "The Game." Our best response from the
Our best response from the first edition came as a result of Owen Morris' story on organ-harvesting for tuition. A mother of a KU student called the editors of the Kansan to say that "no one was going to get her son's liver." Thanks for your response, lady. I know a lot of editors try to spawn interest in stories by telling anecdotes connected to them, so here goes. I think rubber bracelets are lame, I tried to get rid of my virginity at some point, my dad's an optometrist, I can't dance, I could care less about celebrity relationships, I've waited forever in line at The Underground and I've probably farted in class at some point. Sorry. Keep it real.
Sexy optometrist market heats up
Dr. R. Kevin Lenahan has connered Lawrence's sexy optometrist market for years.
Lemanan got us so co-lectively hot with his suggestive TV commercials featuring a sexy voice repeating his name, his claim to be "your optometrist" and his tight, knit poles that struggle
Chris Crawford
to contain his bulging biceps. But Lenahan might want to step out from behind his phoropter and check out the new blood down the street at The EyeDoctors. Dr. Pete Gripstone just started practicing in Lawrence and might be the hottest optometrist the city has ever seen. Gripstone's new TV ads feature him mounting an exam chair, only wearing briefs and a lab coat. The ads end with the tag line, "Dr. Gripstone — a sight for sore eyes."
Art student's 'art' stinks up classroom
Tired of the same old excuse from performance art major James Toth, Lawrence senior, students in his English 332 class have become fed up with
Toth's "expressive" antics. "You can't start farting in the middle of class and claim its 'art,'" argued Heather Jergens, classmate and Wichita junior, "I mean we all know you just ripped one and were too embarrassed to say anything else." Toth claims he uses his body odor to make other students aware of their own submission to bath products and is part of his continuing installation against popular culture. In response to the criticism, Toth belched, scratched himself and said, "It's my art, I don't expect everyone to get it."
— Audrey Lauber
Dance major ready to say he's straight
Dance major and Mission Hills junior Eric Ryan has resolved to tell his parents during dinner Saturday that he is, in fact, straight. "Maybe I should do it before the food arrives?" Ryan confided to a roommate. "No, no, I don't want them to be shocked for the rest of the meal." Ryan expects his parents to be shocked, but says they shouldn't be. "I mean, I've been dropping hints for years. I would rent movies like 'Die Hard' and leave Maxim magazines in my bathroom, yet they still bought me tickets for 'Mamma Mia!'"
Owen Morris
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Would you rather fart in class or make out with someone who smells like hotdogs? Vote at kansan.com.
RESULTS OF LAST WEEK'S POLL
What's the best Allen Fieldhouse tradition?
65% said singing the Rock Chalk chant
15% said singing "Sweetheart" taster and faster each half
9% said making newspaper confetti for team line-ups
65% said singing the Wheaton foul-out song
20% said no
Percentages based on 32 votes
Bracelets get help
Student designs bracelet promoting bracelets
BV SAM HOPEINS
sattire@hansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAM WRITE
Kansan file photo
Trent Dolphus, Andover junior, was excited when he purchased his first LiveStrong bracelet. Then, after he bought his second LiveStrong bracelet, Dolphus realized a truth far more profound: A fad is just a fad — unless it changes the world.
"I mean, I always liked wrist wear," says Dolphus, a member of KU's coed business fraternity Alpha Kappa Psi. "But then I was like, 'Hey, these little plastic guys kick the crap out of any friendship bracelet anyone ever made me at summer camp." Dolphus quickly resolved to enter the bracelet business.
When it came time to launch his own imprint, Dolphin chose "I Love Bracelets."
"There are so many causes these days," Dolphus said. "We've all got at least one 'LiveStrong.' Then there's the Lew Perkins brand, one from my favorite bar and even one supporting Israel. Really, everyone can get their message across this way, and I would like to help more people achieve that."
Knowing that his project might someday affect billions, this young philanthropist plans to donate 50 percent of the proceeds from his "I Love Bracelets" bracelets to the NBDC — the National Bracelet Development Coalition.
The other half of the money will help finance a fact-finding trip to Acapuleo, Mexico, March 20 through March 27, where Dolphus will investigate the potential impact of cause bracelets in developing countries. He has not yet produced Spanish "Yo amo las pulseras" bracelets.
The United Nations and other international organizations have yet to pursue such a bold initiative, and Dolphus thinks he knows why.
"They're all afraid because this could change the world," Dolphus said. "Within 20 years, you won't pay for a hot dog with paper dollars. Instead, you'll show your 'United States' bracelet."
and the vendor will simply take a laser scan of your eve."
Though many innovators are eventually weighed down by the burden of their own ideas, Dolphus maintains he won't be.
"I don't think I could look my kid in the eye knowing that I had this opportunity to help mankind and didn't," Dolphus murmured as he carefully turned each bracelet on his arm so that it could be read. "Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just take out my old 'What Would Jesus Do?' wristband and I think, 'he'd probably make a kick-ass bracelet."
Sophomore tries to give up virginity for Lent
BY OWEN MORRIS
satire@kansan.com
COMING IN BAKER WRITE
Every year Marc Thompson tries to be a good Catholic by giving something up for Lent. And for the fourth year in a row, he's decided that it should be his virginity.
Thompson then searched unsuccessfully for someone to high-five. Thompson's friends said that despite trying his best, he has never gotten close to losing his virginity or to actually dating a woman.
"Don't get me wrong."
Thompson told his buddies while playing Halo 2. "I'm always hunting for beaver. Marc the Machine just tries a little harder during Lent, if you know what I mean!"
Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN Marc Thompson, Dodge City sophomore, feverishly plays with his joystick. He does it many times a day.
Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
Tompson's roommate, Dan Faulkel, said, "Every night Marc comes in here and talks shit about how he's going to get laid, and every night I come home
and he's here playing video games." Faulke said, "One time a girl from across the hall came to borrow a DVD and I thought he was going to pass out he was so nervous. As soon as she left, he started talking about how smooth he'd played it and how he wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get in his bed that night. She told her roommates he smelled like hotdogs."
"Those guys, what jokers!" Thompson responded to his friend's allegations. "They're just jealous 'cause they don't have half the moves I do. I mean, they only see me as the guy who likes to play video games and look at Internet porn. But they don't see the ladies I pick up online. Can they tell ladies that they're a level 39 Ogre Shadow Knight on Everquest? Methinks not."
Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
Ginny Weatman/AANSA
Jack Tingelberg's body lies unnoticed in line at The Underground.
Student dies in line at Underground
Jack Tingelberg,
Pottawatothemie freshman, was found dead yesterday at The Underground in Wescoe Hall.
Apparently, Tingelberg had been waiting in line around 12:30 p.m., for hours, when his body shut down from what KU Medical Center doctors have described as a combination of exhaustion, dehydration and starvation. "He really loved Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches," Tingelberg's friend Ashley Dunst said. "Not the grilled ones, the breaded ones." Stan Fishman, The Underground cashier, said. "I feel really bad. We were busy during the lunch rush and no one noticed him on the floor until someone tried to get a muffin. He was blockin' the muffin rack."
Chris Crawford
CAPS to support the celeb-obsessed
KU Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has begun offering additional support to students who are having a particularly difficult time adjusting to recent Hollywood breakups. Heartbreak seems to have swept the nation." Jen and Brad were practically American Royalty," Sara Baker, Olathe senior, said. "How am I supposed to go on without my king and queen?"
Although the majority of students seen at CAPS have been seeking help for the Aniston/Pitt split, there are a few receiving counseling for other celebrity splits. Ronald Smith, Manhattan sophomore, said, "Who would've thought that Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav were not actually in love?" Students have agreed that as long as Britney Spears and her better half, Kevin Federline, who represent the essence of class, continue to share marital bliss, they can attend class knowing the world is right.
- Lauren Debiak
wore: The stories on this page offer only inaccurate information from fake sources. Welcome to the world of make-believe.
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Your Ticket to China
English Teaching Program in Shenzhen, China
Spend a year in Shenzhen teaching English and learning Mandarin Chinese. This well-established,
government-sponsored program is now in its 8th year.
- Training in English teaching methods and in Mandarin Chinese language (at 4 levels) for 3 weeks in August in Beijing, with housing and tours
- Free apartment at a Shenzhen public school where you will teach oral English, 12 classroom hours per week.
Sent 1 to June 15, one or two participants per school
- Monthly salary, paid vacation, and travel bonus
- Chinese classes continue in Shenzhen, a Mandarin-
- Monthly salary, paid vacation, and travel bonus
- speaking modern city of 5 million near Hong Kong
- On-Site Coordinator
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Prior study of Chinese not required. Must be a native speaker of English with college degree (by July 2005).
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