The more
the merrier
If love is what makes the world go 'round, polyamory might be what's keeping the world turning
Photo illustration by Kit Leffler
If love is what makes the world go 'round, polyamory might be what's keeping the world turning By Paige Worthy, Jayplay writer
It was a classic case of boy meets girl
...meets girl.
When Rob Hamm, Catherine Glewwe and Shannon Henry met, each says it was infatuation at first sight. Rob and Cat met first, in 2000, at a gaming conference, and Cat eventually moved to Lawrence from Minnesota to live with Rob. She confessed to him that she'd always wanted to date other women but that she was already so deeply in love with him that she didn't want a relationship that didn't include him.
Rob says he jumped at the opportunity to be in a relationship with two women, so he agreed to keep on the lookout for a new woman who would mesh with both their personalities. Enter Shannon.
Rob first met Shan, who was living in Pennsylvania until early January 2005, through their online journals, but they met in person at another gaming conference, where they had arranged to share quarters, and the two immediately hit it off. Rob says that when the two women finally met in person last October, the chemistry was obvious.
Outwardly, the three seem more like a few friends hanging out than three people in love, but tiny nuances in their behavior give them away: playful slaps on the thigh
at a sarcastic com-
ment, sideways
glances and shy
smiles at an outsider's mention of their relationship. Rob, though twice the girls' age at 42, doesn't look a day over 30, wears a leather jacket and sports short, spiky hair. Shan and Cat, both in their early 20s, sit together next to him — Shan has bright pink hair and silly socks, and Cat is soft-spoken and fair-skinned.
The three now live together in Lawrence and are what is known as a polyfidelitous triad, or "polyfi" triad for short. Polyfidelity is one of many divisions of polyamory, which literally means "many loves." Polyfidelity differs from a monogamous relationship in that people form multiple romantic relationships with more than just a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. It's not cheating because their partners always know about it. And it's not swinging, where swinging involves sex exclusively, polyamory is more concerned with emotions and relationships. Robyn Trask, managing editor of Loving More magazine, which is dedicated to polyamory and poly issues, says poly can be hard to define because there are so many different combinations of people in poly relationships. Poly relationships need not include sex, but they often do. In a polyfi triad, all three people involved promise each other they will be commited within the triad. Members would only begin a relationship with another person if that
Hey, jealousy
new person were to be included in that commitment; the triad would then become a foursome. But it doesn't have to stop at four: Poly relationships can grow to include as many people as its members can handle interacting with.
Liz, Kansas City, Kan., senior, who asked that her last name not be used, is a secondary in an open poly relationship with a man, Chris, who has another girlfriend, his primary. Liz is romantically and sexually involved with Chris, but she doesn't share financial or domestic responsibilities like his primary does. She's only become involved with him recently, but he's been with his other girlfriend for more than six years. He is the "V," or center of the relationship, and Liz and his other girlfriend are not involved romantically in any way — though they are friendly with one another. Hers is an example of a more open poly relationship instead of a polyfidelitous one—the three of them are not exclusively "together," which could potentially create an environment of jealousy.
Liz says that she entered into this relationship after a string of bad experiences in traditional two-person relationships. She says she searched herself for signs of
jealousy but found none once she
busy but rough ones also understand the nature of the poly lifestyle. She says people in poly relationships experience only
"occasional pangs of jealousy," and when they do, they work through it and get over it quickly. On her first date with Chris, Liz says he received text messages from his other girlfriend, who was acting as his wingman for the night. Ideally, poly people are all about "compression," being happy for their partners when they find a new way (or person, in this case) to make themselves happy. The term compersion — as well as the concept of polyfidelity — was coined by the Kerista Commune, a famous commune in San Francisco that was founded in the 1970s.
"In a polyamorous world, you say, 'I love you, and I can't be everything you need, nor can you be everything I need,' so you have multiple loving relationships that balance out those neglected needs," Liz says.
Jealousy is never an issue within Rob, Cat and Shan's triad, either Rob says, even though there are more people's emotions to take into account. Jealousy can be avoided, he says, by keeping the lines of communication open at all times and always talking about their needs, desires and concerns.
We can work it out ...
Dennis Dailey, professor of social welfare, says communicating in a poly relationship can be more difficult just because of the numbers. In a dyadic relationship – one with only two people – there is a simple back-and-forth exchange
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Jayplay 02.24.05