Wescoewit
[Oh, you guys say some of the darndest things. ]
Not to make you all scared, but we're eavesdropping on your conversations. Yes, we hear everything. And then we print it. But don't worry if you say something stupid, we won't identify you — unless you owe us money or beer.
Girl: So I'm going to be a social worker because I really like poor people.
Guy: You like poor people?
Girl: Yeah, they're really not all that bad.
Guy: Hm.
Girl 1: Oh my god. So guess what.
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: I'm going to be an aunt.
Girl 2: (squeals) No way! Which sister?
Girl 1: Morgan.
Girl 2: Yeah, for real. Your other sister's been married for what like a month?
Guy 1: You like "Star Wars"?
Guy 2: The early ones, at least. The new ones are kind of shitty.
Guy 1: Yeah, the ones with Princess Leia?
Guy 2: Yeah. She was all right in the first one, and she looked really good in the second one, but by the third one she was getting kind of ugly.
Guy 1: With the bikini, right?
Guy 2: Oh, yeah. There is that.
—Robert Perkins
Five questions
One KU"famous," one KU not (yet) famous
James Gunn, professor emeritus of English and science fiction writer
Kate Naramore, Lawrence freshman
Q: What was your most memorable Valentine's Day, good or bad?
Gunn: My wife and I got married on Feb. 6, 1947, so Valentine's Day a week later was pretty special.
Narmore: Seventh grade at the lunch tables. Everyone was throwing around those little candy hearts. It got pretty vicious.
Q: Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Gunn: The Road Runner. Like many of us he pursues an objective past the point of reason and gets clobbered for it but bounces back up to try again.
Naramore: Stewie from "Family Guy."
Q: What's your opinion on reality TV?
Gunn: I don't watch any reality shows. They're not real enough. Fiction is the reality that makes sense out of the chaos we call life. Naramore: It's the most pure and refined piece of art available to peo ple today.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Gunn: Why not? The road is a metaphor for life itself and refusing to cross it is a metaphor for never taking a chance on life.
Naramore: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Q: Where would you take your dream vacation?
Gunn: Paris, maybe. I've traveled for the U.S. Information Agency east and west, but I've never been to Paris. San Francisco might be a second choice; I've been there several times and enjoyed its cuisine and ambience – maybe because it's the Paris of the U.S.
Naramore: Over there.
Paige Worthy
By Jessi Crowder and Chris Tackett
Not getting your daily dose of sex?
I have a new roommate this semester, and he smells like tuna fish. Seriously. Should I tell him to shower more often or should I discretely leave some deodorant in his medicine cabinet? It's getting to the point where I can't have people over.
Jason, sophomore
Jessi: What? You don't like tuna? Are you close with the guy? If so, I'd throw a jacular comment out there like "Dude, you reek of Chicken of the Sea... wash yourself!" Or if you don't know him that well, I'd wait for some special occasion to give him a "gift" of deodorant. (I recommend any of the Axe body sprays or new Old Spice stuff... mmm.) It's just your luck that February 17 is Random Acts of Kindness Day. Oh boy!
Chris: Wow. Jason, thanks for the set up. But instead of trying to pick one tuna smell joke, I figured you could use some real advice. You googled "tuna smell" and according to www.healthboards.com, your roommates stench could be caused by the breakdown of proteins in semen left inside after he cums. Yikes. The smell may be more likely with an uncircumcised penis and could also be caused by an infection. My advice -- find a new roommate.
My boyfriend recently became obsessed with lifting weights and looking good. Now, he's more high maintenance than me. His new hobby is making me feel unimportant in his life. What do I do?
Maggie, junior
Maggie, junior
Chris: That's a pretty terrible hobby. In addition to suggesting new hobbies, tell him how you feel and let him decide if he wants to change. If he doesn't, drop his ass.
Jessi: You can either try reconciling with him by accompanying him to the gym in order to pay his hobby a genuine interest or kick this real American CHEESEcake to the curb. A big part of a healthy relationship is respecting and embracing each others' differences. If after visiting the gym with your "stud" and communicating your concern, he still fails to reciprocate, you know what to do.
This semester a girl told me that my penis was too big and that she wouldn't have sex with me. I was wondering that if you guys would think it would be a good idea to get my penis downsized so that I won't have this problem anymore?
-Drew, junior
If I told you to get your dick cut down to size, that'd be like telling a woman to get breast implants. Stick with what you've been blessed with, be it a large penis or a small one. As for her not wanting to have sex with you, vaginas are very elastic and can withstand varying girths. How do you think we have babies? Ultimately though, that's her problem. Find a woman who is willing to love you for your entire package... and its package.
Chris: I hear you man. I get that all the time! I try not to worry about it too much. But you should probably just go into porn or something. And definitely drop out of school.