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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN + WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2005
CHRIS CRAWFORD grandpa-softfood@kansan.com
University wants your organ
Hello campers. Because of my demand, Tongue in Beak has returned again. We'll be here, on the back page of the Kansan, the first Wednesday of every month this semester. If you're easily offended, you might just move on to the sports section. I hear the men's curling club has some wonderful stories. I'd also like to apologize ahead of time to anyone we offend this semester. Sorry, you thin-skinned pansy. Learn to take a joke.
Crawford is a senior in journalism
BY OWEN MORRIS
odog@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEA WRITEER
Amidst growing concern over rising tuition costs and expanding deficits in the state budget, Gov. Kathleen Sebelius and Chancellor Robert Hemenway announced the "Organ Harvesting for Tuition" program at a press conference yesterday in Topeka. The program would offer KU students tuition breaks in return for select vital organs.
Laurie Stinnell, vice president of Office of Administrations, said she hoped the plan might subsequently discourage unhealthy student behavior. "For instance, what better way to get underage kids to drink less than to remove one of their kidneys and/or their liver," Stinnell said. "Maybe kids would think twice about smoking if they knew they only had one lung to breathe on, instead of two."
Robert Eday, Ottawa freshman, thinks the idea is "awesome." "I mean KU gets something from me.
that I probably don't need until I'm at least 40," Eday said. "Instead of owing $10,000 to the University when I graduate, I'll only owe like $8,000. It's a win/win situation!"
The administration refused to comment on the possible destination of the extracted student organs. Several leading health service providers and Mrs. E's cafeteria have expressed serious interest. But as of yesterday, the University hasn't made a final decision.
The program does have some opponents, including Amnesty International, which insists that the University would be violating "almost every international law on humane treatment and fairness." The organization suggested the University just dedicate more revenue to financial aid.
"That's a bunch of activist nonsense," Hemenway responded. "This plan once again proves that the University of Kansas is one of the most progressive universities in all the country."
Edited by Lori Bettes
Photo Illustration by Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
Pfizer launches 'anti-drug' drug
Photo Illustration by Ginny Weatherman/KANSAN
CLINIC GRAWFORD
street-crime-at.com
TONQUE IN BEAK WRITER
BY CHRIS CRAWFORD
In collaboration with the government's Office of National Drug Control Policy, Pfizer announced the launch of Viabrex, touted as the first 'anti-drug' drug.
Robert Cox, Pfizer spokesman said the drug would be prescribed to curb marijuana cravings. "The ONDCP approached us, realizing that we both had a common foe." Cox said. "F-ing potheads. The government hates 'em; We hate 'em.
Every bong blow is money out of our pockets. And if we can get parents and doctors to push Viabrex on
them, we'll make a killing and marijuana will disappear."
Might best be known for its National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign commercials. Titles include: "Why'd you steal from Grandma?" "Oops you
Grandma?" "Oops, you killed an
old guy" and "You let Janie drown."
The drug came to fruition after extensive testing and research showed that administering a combination of Pfizer drugs caused marijuana-addicted teens to lose their urge to smoke. After being prodded by the ONDCP, Pfizer scientists added chemicals that intentionally cause patient paranoia of the elderly.
"We've had incredible success with Viagra, but also serious setbacks with Celebrex," Cox said. "We needed a hot new drug, something
sexy. By mixing the two drugs, we created Viabrex."
Like most prescription drugs, Viabrex has side effects, which include leaking, bleeding and mild erections in male patients.
Kip Horsely, Viabrex trial patient and ex-marijuana smoker, has taken the drug for two years now. "I don't know man, I liked smoking weed," Horsely said. "It took the edge off. Now I'm scared to visit Nana's house and I'm constantly trying to hide my boner."
— Edited by Austin Caster
Kansas State replaces 'Powercat' with tractor
"Tractor"
narrowly
ed out
"Seed"
and "Dirt"
to succeed
In an unexpected fit of clarity, Kansas State University pulled the plug on its edgy Wildcat logo and gave students the opportunity to elect its replacement. In the recent vote,
"Thunderkitty." An anonymous Kansas State source said, "Following our football team's humiliating loss in Lawrence, we realized the Wildcat was no longer viable." He added that, in light of the athletic department's meteoric return to mediocrity, the "Powercat" logo was too aggressive and "indicative of success." Furthermore, the "Tractor" logo is much more representative of the campus' rural setting and benign nature.
'Mom March'in D.C.; Cursing now prohibited
Betsy McLeo
Last Monday, the Senate approved the MAP (Mothers Against Profanity) Act, prohibiting the use of "potty language." A list of legal phrases has been published and provided to all local law enforcement agencies and public libraries. Acceptable phrases include: gaseous waste production facility i.e.: "Don't be such a gaseous waste production facility-hole!" and celibately challenged i.e.: "Maybe if you weren't so selenitely challenged you wouldn't have herpes." Other acceptable entries in this category include vir-
ginally impaired and monogamously disabled.
Used car dealer offers deals and plea for life
Used car dealer and local celebrity Bill "Big Deal" McNeel announced in a local TV commercial last night that "terrorists" were holding him hostage on the roof of his Ford and Mercury dealership and would execute him if he didn't sell 400 cars by Saturday. "Hurry, hurry, hurry." McNeel shouted, blindfolded but still wearing his trademark ten-gallon hat. "Save me! And save yourself with 97 Ford Explorers as low as $299 a month, and sedans starting at just $7,000. I need your help at McNeel Certified Used Ford, here on l-35 and Blueridge Parkway. Where the prices are as extreme as the terrorists."
Beatle to lull Super Bowl viewers to sleep
-Owen Morris
Touchdown! Place your bets and pop open a cold one. Paul McCartney has been playing eight days a week, preparing his vocals for Super Bowl Sunday. The beloved Beatle who seems to fill every generation gap, from young teens to their grandparents, will perform at the halftime show in Jacksonville, Fla., at Super Bowl XXXIX, Feb. 6. Positively petrified from last year's wardrobe mishap, Fox has taken a few precautions to ensure clean, viewer-friendly entertainment. Jeffrey Salem, Fox representative said, "Not only do we have the legendary Sir Paul performing, but we also have notoriously sensational singers like Kenny G and Clay Aiken, guaranteed to drive several senior citizens wild with their sweet melodic sounds."
Tri-Gamma's fat-ass shocks sorority sisters
— Lauren Debiak
Weeks after returning from Winter Break, Gamma Gamma Gamma sorority members remain "totally shocked" about Rachel LaGrosse's, Chicago junior's, recent.
explosive weight gain. "She was kinda big before,
but I mean, now she's like HUGE," a concerned Liz Tanner, Olathe senior, said. "Have you seen her thighs?" Guesstimates on the LaGrosse's plumbing range from "at least 15 pounds" to "like a gaillion." Becky Bichalot, sorority treasurer asked, "What did she get for Christmas? Gift certificates for fried chicken and pie?" The pork-up comes at an inopportune time for the sorority, which hosts the popular spring charity car wash "Tits for Tots" to raise money for local
children's hospitals.
— Audrey Lauber
Ashlee Simpson gets new'La La'inthroat
Ashlee Simpson, the vocally challenged and less attractive younger sibling of Jessica Simpson, has decided to undergo vocal cord replacement surgery following a string of embarrassing performances. Simpson's father said the surgery was a necessary fix after her Saturday Night Live lip sync fiasco and standing boo-vation at the Orange Bowl. He admitted it is becoming increasingly difficult for Ashlee to get by on her sister's fame. Simpson didn't really have a sane explanation for the surgery. "I lip sync and all those jealous bastards make fun of me. I sing, they boo," Simpson told MTV news. "No one appreciates how talented I am, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica ... Damn it, it's Ashlee's time to shine!"
Note: The stories on this page offer only inaccurate information from fake sources. Welcome to the world of make-believe.
C. J. Moore