THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, 2005
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN_38
JAYPLAY
Swingers CONTINUED FROM 1B
There is no such thing as a swing club permit. So clubs have to obtain an adult entertainment permit, which is very difficult to get in many counties. Even with these obstacles, commercial clubs are expanding anyway, according to NASCA International.
ey.
ner
e a
th
days
the
and
Swinging can be a way for a couple to explore and expand its sex life into edgier territory. "It's like mountain climbing in the Himalayas," says Joy Davidson, licensed sex therapist in Seattle and author of the new book, "Fearless Sex." "It's more about the adventure of it all than it is the sex."
Davidson has worked with a number of couples in open relationships. She says as long as both partners are sure about trying the lifestyle, swinging can be a wonderful thing for their relationship. The Bellarine survey agrees. It shows that more than 62 percent of swingers experienced positive changes in their relationships. Thirty-five percent said their happiness level in the relationship stayed the same and only 1.7 percent became less happy.
Only 1.7 percent? What about all of the jealousy that is sure to arise from swinging? Gloria Brame, a licensed sex therapist from Georgia says she has never seen swinging destroy a marriage. She says that most couples who jump into swinging are well-educated on the activity and have talked with each other about it.
Brame goes as far to say that swinging is a great way to avoid marriage-threatening problems. Couples who swing have very little to worry about infidelity because each partner can fulfill his or her sexual urges to have sex with other people while his or her partner is there. "The great thing is that
"I It's like mountain climbing in the Himalayas.It's more about the adventure of it all than it is the sex."
Joy Davidson
Joy Davidson
Licensed sex therapist and author of Fearless Sex
The swinging world may be the most misunderstood sexual lifestyle out there. Long gone are the days of key clubs and wife-swapping. Those practices are more deviant because they don't focus on the couple experiencing the sexuality together. Most people, according to Lazzeratta, still think there's a stigma out there that says swinging is a hardcore, purely sex-oriented practice," he says. "It's just not that way." Swinging can be a powerful experience for couples on an emotional and spiritual level, he says.
swingers never have to lie," Brame says.
Probably the biggest misconception about swinging is that the man in the relationship is the instigator, Davidson says. She says in her practice she has seen quite the opposite. Very often it is the woman who enjoys herself the most and wants to go back. They don't just come along for the ride. This usually isn't a problem for the men, who typically get more excited about swinging when they're aware of their female partner's excitement.
Davidson attributes these women's strong opinions of swinging to the feelings they experience when they are there. "The swing world is powered by women," she says. The environment at a swing function is very safe, which makes it conducive to the sexual empowerment of women who otherwise feel sexually inhibited. In most situations, it is the woman deciding what the couple will do while they are at the party. They decide with whom the couple will play and what they'll do. The environment offers a woman protection, support, empowerment and confidence. That translates to a more sexually open relationship with her partner.
Swinging can have its drawbacks for couples. Cyndi has seen more than her fair share of tough situations arise from unhealthy swinging. She says swinging is really only designed for people in healthy relationships based on good communication. She says that when couples swing, "good relationships become even more solid while bad relationships just blow up."
Sex therapists and marriage counselors agree the swinging lifestyle isn't one to be taken lightly. The emotional baggage accompanying swinging alone is enough reason for a couple to avoid it, says Elaine Phillips, licensed sexologist from Bloomington, Ill.
Phillips says there is danger surrounding the swinging lifestyle that can be clouded by the fantasy-like intrigue of sexual non-monogamy. "A couple can look at swinging and see nothing but fun, uninhibited sex," she says, "They don't really see all the consequences that come along with it."
Another issue, Phillips notes, is that too often one member of the relationship is much more interested in participating. Swinging is a lifestyle to be shared between both partners of a relationship. If one member is not totally committed to it, jealousy and pain will likely result.
Most sex therapists agree couples should never enter into swinging thinking it will cure the ills of its relationships. Swinging is not a therapeutic practice. "Couples should only start swinging if they know they can handle it," Phillips says.
Arranged CONTINUED FROM 1B
marriage is a possibility. But, she stresses that in no way are arranged marriages as forced upon women in the Arab-Islamic tradition, as many in the United States seem to think. Also, if she were to find someone on her own, it would be acceptable in her family, she says.
According to Quaddour, the father primarily handles the marriage process in the Arab-American culture. If a suitor is interested, he approaches her father and says something like, "I am interested in your daughter and would like to meet her."
In such a scenario, Quaddour's father would then get to know the guy through others who know him. If the suitor is someone Quaddour might be interested in, and meets his criteria, her father would then suggest she get to know him as well.
"It is important to know what influences a person's behavior, or how religious he is, and if his values and ideas are similar to mine and my family," Quaddour says. Parents taking the time to learn this information is why she says she thinks the Islamic divorce rate is lower than the American divorce rate.
Hamed Ghazali, Islamic scholar and principal of the Islamic School of
Greater Kansas City, agrees that the elimination process of potential candidates provides safety in a marriage and contributes to fewer divorces.
The misunderstanding of forced arranged marriages, Ghazali says, arises from misinterpreting Islamic beliefs. For instance, it is stated in Islamic scripture that a woman must have the consent of her parents before marrying. This can be misinterpreted as the parents having full authority over their daughter's marriage. He understands that requiring parents consent may sometimes lead to forced marriages, but states that such cases seldom occur and have little religious merit to back them.
Arranged marriages are also custom in the Indian culture. Seeing her grandparents still in love and witnessing her parents successful marriage, both in arranged marriages, Deepti Mathur, Topeka senior, prefers to have a traditional arranged marriage based on personal preference.
To her, arranged marriages are more realistic because people have a different mentality going into them. It isn't just about love; it also incorporates other aspects of a person's life.
Arranged marriages in the Indian culture work through family networking. Mathur's parents, as well as her relatives, will collectively look for someone who will match well with her personality. It brings unity among family members because everyone has a role in
Once her parents find someone they are interested in, the parents of both families arrange a time to meet. A person marries into a family, not just to the individual person, so it is important for the families to connect. If things go well, the parents introduce their children. After the guy and girl get to know each other, they tell their parents if they are interested in marrying each other or not.
the process, and each person is enthusiastic about making it work, she says.
Although no exact statistic for arranged marriages is available, The U.S. News and World report does state that approximately 95 percent of marriages in India are arranged, and divorce is seldom heard of.
Shaffie, Quaddour and Mathur acknowledge the negative connotation associated with arranged marriages in Western society. From a professional viewpoint as a psychiatrist, Shaffie thinks that lack of opportunities for people in the Western culture to experience or talk about arranged marriages causes preconceived notions that the process is forced. Americans hear about arranged marriages through the media, which pick dramatic stories to portray. Shaffie suggests that those in or accustomed to arranged marriages educate others on the matter because, after 27 years of being happily married, Shaffie says she has found no reason for regret.
Bring it on. We can take it.
Whether you choose to recycle curbside or to bring it to one of us, join the proud people of Lawrence who recycle.
Private Curbside Recycling Services Community Living Opportunities - 865-5520, ext.379 Jeff's Curbside Recycling - 841-1284 Home Recycling Service - 979-6633
Checkers Foods, 2300 Louisiana - Newspaper
Dillon's Store, 4701 W. 6th St - Newspaper and Cardboard
Douglas County Bank, 9th and Kentucky - Newspaper
Hillcrest Shopping Center, 9th and Kentucky - Newspaper
Hobby Lobby, 1801 W. 23rd St. - Newspaper and Cardboard
Hy-Vee, 6th and Monterey Way - Newspaper and Cardboard
Hy-Vee, 3504 Clinton Parkway - Newspaper and Cardboard
North Lawrence, 740 N. 2nd St. - Newspaper and Cardboard
Prairie Park Elementary, 2711 Kentucky - Newspaper
Westlake Ace Hardware, 6th and Kasold - Newspaper
City Newspaper and Cardboard Recycling Drop Off Lawrence 2300 Louisiana - newspaper
Metal Recycling (will buy back many types of metals) Lonnie's Recycling, 501 Maple St. - 841-4855 12th and Haskell Bargain Center, 1146 Haskell - 865-3730
LAWRENCE WASTE REDUCTION & RECYCLING
Wal-Mart Community Recycling Center
3300 Iowa, behind the store, 841-9558
Hours: Mon-Sat.
8:00am - 8:00pm
Sun. 9:00am - 6:00pm
Materials Accepted:
Aluminum cans, steel
"tin" cans, cardboard,
chipboard, glass
beverage containers,
plastic containers (HDPE
2 and PET #1), plastic
sacks, mixed paper,
office paper, newspaper
and magazines.
832-3030
every day
*Half-Price Tickets for KU Students! SENIOR
Don't miss the Grammy Award-winning sounds of... The Blind Boys of Alabama
Wednesday, February 2 7:30 p.m.
Spreading the spirit of soul and gospel music for more than 60 years.
" ... a rich musical blessing."
— Vibe
Music with attitude...
Pharaoh's Daughter world-music band
Saturday, February 5*
7:30 p.m.
"... Pharaoh's Daughter (seven-member band) plays a heady mix of Middle Eastern, Chasidic and folk rock tinged with a klezmer beat." The Jewish Week
School of Fine Arts
University of Boston
1
}