1B
Swingers
Couples sway away from monogamy and discover that sometimes more really is sexier.
by Brian Wacker, Jayplay writer
Photo illustration by Kit Lefler/KANSAN
C. ..
Jyndi walks in the front door of a very familiar home. Her friends are having a little get-together. The straps from her silky black dress cling to her shoulders as she rings the doorbell. She strolls inside, immediately checks out everyone at the party and asks her host to mix her a cocktail. Strong. She eyes a couple sitting on the couch across the room. Glancing over to a mirror on the wall, she makes sure she still looks as hot as she did when she left home. She picks up her drink and approaches the couple. They're lounging on a couch, legs intertwined, revealing the woman's smooth upper thigh. They strike up a conversation with her about the weather. Or politics. Or sports. It doesn't matter. The dialogue soon turns to the matter at hand. So what sort of stuff are you in to? Do you like to role-play? Do you both want to stay together all night?
Cyndi swings. She has more sex with more people and more often than most people can imagine. She's been doing it since she was 16 years old. She's lived in a female-male-female triad relationship for two-and-a-half years. She and her partners in the relationship founded LACouples, the largest swing club in California. Now what would compel a young woman like Cyndi to get involved in this lifestyle? "Because sex is good and that pleasure is good for you," she says.
A definitive answer as to why swangers swing is hard to find. Too often swinging is associated with practices like "key clubs" — a popular movement in the 1970s in which husbands would throw their house keys into a hat and their wives would then pick the keys whose owners would then become their sexual partners for the night. It's also called "wife-swapping."
How to get started
While key clubs and wife swapping focus on individuals, swinging has evolved into an alternative lifestyle that combines sexual non-monogamy and emotional monogamy in the couples that practice it.
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Tony Lazzeratta, executive director for North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) International, the largest legitimate association of swinging clubs in the world, says that the stigma surrounding swinging is unfounded. "In reality," he says, "swinging is a lifestyle of social activities for couples in committed relationships to be in a social, sensual environment with other like-minded couples."
According to a study of more than 1,000 swingers in a 2000 edition of the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality by researchers at Bellarmine University, figures vary from 2 to 15 percent of couples in America have incorporated a form of swinging into their relationships at least once. Lazzeratta says the low end of that range is more likely. When it comes down to the people who actually do swing, the people are about as mainstream as they come. The study even goes as far to say that swinging couples are more likely to be politically conservative than anything else.
Vol. 2 issue18 1.27.05
Republican swingers? These aren't your typical "sexual deviants." They could be firemen, attorneys, teachers and doctors. Lazzeratta says he even knows of a few sportcasters for Los Angeles professional teams that have been known to show up at the club with their roles. The stud
You have to be in a real relationship with
also suggests that most swingers are more likely to be less racist, less sexist and less homophobic than the general population.
Lazzeratta estimates between 60 to 70 percent of swing gatherings take place in people's homes. Typically, a couple that has been swinging for a while will plan a party for about 10 couples. They will tell some couples that they know swing and ask them to bring a coupe or two who may be interested in giving it a try.
a real person to attend most swing parties. Unless you're a woman. Sorry single guys, but you can imagine the problems if you went in alone. The ratio of boys to girls would be worse than a D&B party. And don't think you can bring a friend and play her off as your girlfriend. Tony Lazzeratta says that experienced swingsers have a way picking you out in a crowd and you won't be asked to come back.
Your first task will be to talk to your partner. As almost every relationship expert will tell you, the worst thing you can do with swinging is enter into it while having doubts.
After you've made it past the toughest stage, you'll want to talk to some couples with experience. Cyndi says that a couple should learn as much as possible before starting. There's nothing wrong with knowing too much.
Still interested? Get on the Web. There are more clubs, groups and chat rooms for swinging on the Web than there are hairs on your head. Swingers always love to meet newbies.
The bottom line is that you need to communicate with your partner and make sure it is something you both want. Be confident about your choice. If you believe your relationship will grow and prosper, who's to say you can't do it?
A swing party looks like any other party on the surface.
Cocktails. Hors d'ouvres. Men talk about football. Couples stick together throughout the night. As Lazzeretta puts it, "It's not every man or woman for themselves. Swinging is about the experience as a couple."
After a few drinks, the conversations start to deviate a bit. Couples begin to probe each other with questions like "Do you want to play?" and "What are you into?" From there, anything is possible. Foursomes. Eightsomes. Sixteensomes. Some head to the bedroom. Some are in the middle of the action. Some just watch. But most importantly, as Lazzeratta says, the couple decides what to do together.
Not every couple that goes to swing parties end up in the midst of an orgy. Couples may accept or decline an invitation for play. A couple is more than welcome to attend a party and only have sex with each other. In fact, they don't even have to have sex. Lazzeratta says 30 to 40 percent of couples go to parties just to be a part of the sensual environment. Plenty of attendees are comfortable just watching.
The other major places for swinging are commercial swinging clubs. However, these are not as popular for a number of reasons. First off, commercial clubs are membership-driven. Most couples won't want to pay a $40 fee for a night at a club when they can have a similar experience at a private swingers party at someone's home for free. Also, commercial clubs are a tough business to run.
SEE SWINGERS ON 3B
- CONTACT
Arranged marriage myths stereotypes dispelled
By Samara Nazir, Jayplay writer
For Sheba Shaffie, a psychiatrist in Overland Park, the marriage process all happened so fast. Her soon-to-be husband Khalid was visiting Pakistan with the intention of finding a wife. His sister-in-law recommended Shaffie, who was interning at the hospital where she worked. Khalid visited Shaffie at the hospital on Feb. 2, 1978, and 15 days later, once both families had made the final arrangements, Shaffie and Khalid were married.
in a predominately love-marriage society, the concept of an arranged marriage may seem startling. But, a majority of people in several Middle Eastern, South and East Asian countries prefer the process. Women are usually not forced into arranged marriages but agree to them for family values and religious, cultural and even personal beliefs.
Shaffie defines arranged marriages as a process without courtship, where an agreement of marriage is made but not forced upon either side. Arranged marriages hold both cultural and religious significance. Arranged marriage is
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Jayplay writer Ashley Doyle takes a look at He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
the process preferred by the Pakistani community where Sheba grew up, so she learned to understand and accept it.
In fact Shaffie even recommends arranged marriages. She says parents, who are making the decision, are the ones who know you the best and go through particular care in picking someone for you.
"When you go to buy a shirt, you look at it from every angle," Shaffie says. "You try it on, show it to your friends and family and are always willing to get an experts advice." Why not take the same care with marriage?
For Shaffie, there was also the excitement of getting to know someone in a completely new situation. Plus, she says, she's able to learn and adjust to Khalid's personality and traits throughout her marriage.
For Jomana Quaddour, Overland Park junior, an arranged
SEE ARRANGED ON 3B
- VENUE
Not just for men anymore: strippers satisfy the ladies
By Mandy Hendrix, Jayplay writer
Kit Lefler/KANSAN
Movie night with the girls may have been standard practice in junior high, but in college a girls' night out just isn't any fun without some libations and a little mingling with the opposite sex.
with oil and dancing around in costume.
Never mind that the opposite sex is well-groomed, buff, wearing tight jeans, a leather jacket and a sparkly thong underneath soon to be unveiled. Sound like an interesting night out? Here in Lawrence, we host our own treasure trove of meatheads, slicked up
Allstars, 913 N. Second St., will host a male stripper night from 7 to 9:30 p.m. every other Saturday beginning in February. Coyote's Night Club, 1003 E. 23rd St., offers a 'Men of Playgirl' night a couple times a year, which brings out
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