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THE UNIVERSITY DAHY GANSAN
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The University Daily Kansan is the student newspaper of the University of Kansas. The first copy is paid through the student activity fee. Additional copies of the Kansan are 50 cents. Subscriptions can be purchased at the Kansan business office, 2051A Dole Human Development Center, 1000 Sunnyside Avenue, Lawrence, KS, 66045.
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WEDNESDAY, MARCHVEMBER 50, 2015
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Gov. Sam Brownback authorized combat operations to begin in Kansas City and northwest Missouri yesterday, declaring war on the state. EXPLO PHOTO/KANSAN
Partly cloudy with a 50 percent chance of rain. Wind NWE at 8 mph.
BORDER WAR!
Kansas invades Missouri, nukes Columbia
JIMBLES BOND
@JimblesBond
Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed an executive order authorizing the United States Army 1st Infantry Division and the Kansas National Guard to begin combat operations in Kansas City and the greater northwestern region of Missouri yesterday, effectively declaring war on the neighboring state.
In a statement this morning. Brownback called upon all Kansans to assist in the war effort.
"I mean, come on. Kansas City is named after us. We're just finishing the job that John Brown started 200 years ago," Brownback said. "It's past time to protect the rights of native Kansans who reside in Missouri and to take back what is rightfully ours: the College Basketball Hall of Fame and that ice cream place in Westport."
The campaign began with the advance of the Fort Riley-based 1st Infantry Division into the city center of Kansas City. So far, Kansas troops have successfully gained a foothold in and occupied the Kansas City metro, facing minimal resistance from Missourian forces.
Kansas also struck Columbia, Mo., with a barrage of tactical nuclear weapons, turning the irredeemable wasteland
into a radioactive irredeemable wasteland. Citizens say life hasn't changed much there, however.
"To be honest, the bombs made things a little cleaner around here," said University of Missouri student Bob-Cletis Gilroy Jr. "The bandit
attacks got a little more frequent, but other than that it's life as usual here at Mizzou. SEC!"
Critics say Brownback is using the historical grievances between the two states as a pretense to seize control of Kansas City's professional
sports franchises, namely the Chiefs football team and Royals baseball team.
"It's a war for football. I believe there is a way to achieve a peaceful solution to our lack of an NFL franchise without bloodshed in Kansas City," said University politi
cal science professor Margaret Vasquez. "Wait, does this mean we're taking over that ice cream place in Westport? Forget it, I'm down."
Sources close to Missouri's military said the bulk of the Missouriian armed forces will remain in St. Louis.
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