Volume 124 Issue 124
kansan.com
Friday, March 30, 2012
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
FEATURE
--right one?" Dailey says. "You can't possibly know that on some final terms. So then the question becomes, how willing are you to take a risk that this might be the right person?"
It's not hard to find yourself on a different page than your partner.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY ASHLIEGH LEE
Not maintaining individuality
Being in a relationship may come with another common mistake: neglecting friends by having the partner become their only go-to person.
Julia Schafermeyer, licensed professional counselor in Lawrence at 1012 Massachusetts St., often sees someone going through a break up and having a hard time as an independent person. While dating, the person has cut off friends and spent time and shared thoughts with mainly the significant other. That person loses one's identity, and everything about the person has become more of the identity as a couple. After breaking up, "they have the story about really needing the other person and feeling really empty without them," Schafermeyer says. "The mistake is having lost their sense of identity."
Being on different pages (or circles)
Anne Owen, psychologist at 5200 Bob Billings Parkway, says to think of a relationship as an archery target. If the person is acting near the bulls-eye, the person is being very intimate and feels like their partner is the most important person. The further away from the bulls-eye, the lower the level of intimacy and the fewer shared goals. "You want to be in the same ring (of the circle) that the other person expects. If not, it can be painful and sort of disconnect the couple." Owen says.
Christina Weiss, a senior from Los Angeles, thought her three-year relationship was dull, and thought her boyfriend was more like a brother, but she was not breaking up yet because she didn't know if it was just a phase. When her boyfriend realized how she felt, he became afraid of losing her and became possessive, and told her he wanted to marry her. He pressured her to express the same desire, and even had his parents talk to her about a wedding date. "It was too soon, and I wasn't ready. I realized that we weren't right for each other. I didn't feel that way so strongly until he brought marriage up though." Weiss says.
Acting outside the ring of the circle that you are being presented with can result in either being too demanding, or too apathetic to the partner, which can wear both partners down.
( THE BREAK-UP PHASE )
Being afraid to suffer
Lawrence therapist Vickie Hull says trying to convince yourself and your partner to hang on to a dead relationship is common, even by begging, pleading, or threatening. "None of these are attractive or worth it. If you have to coerce someone to stay, do you really want to know that is why they are staying? The risk of dating is that you might break up. This is reality," Hull says.
Irene Smith was in a four-year relationship, and she remembers that after breaking up with her boyfriend, she kept thinking about the good memories with him and thought being together again would make her happy. Her ex felt the same way, and they did get back together. But shortly after, they broke up again. "Usually, unless it was just some break up over a stupid, petty fight, couples that break up once over a serious problem will likely to break up again with that exact same problem." Smith says.
In order to move on, you have to suffer, even though it may seem more comfortable to go back to the in-a-relationship phase you are used to being in.
After breaking up with her boyfriend for good, Smith had hard time dealing with the sudden feeling of "emptiness."
Not taking enough time to heal
She had been in the relationship for so long, it took her a while to get used to being single. "It was hard to deal with, at that time not knowing when I would completely heal," Smith says. "So I dated guys who were being nice to me. I wasn't even into them that much, but I liked the attention and the sense of security that someone likes me."
Hull suggests taking time to reflect on what worked and what didn't work so that you will have a better idea of what will make for a better next relationship. To help with this phase, it is important for the person initiating the breakup to let the partner know why the relationship wasn't working.
( THE MORAL )
So after that 'What's up?' text, you and the crush may go out on a date, see each other few more times, but not end up as a couple. Or you two may become official. But then again, you might also break up. Who knows? Even if you meet "the one", your relationship will still be unpredictable and require effort. Professor Dailey has been married since he was 21 years old, and he says he and his wife constantly negotiate to manage differences that are inevitable in relationships.
"College students are always asking me, 'How do you know he's (or she's) the
Four Horsemen of a Relationship
John Gottman, a marriage researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Relationship Institute, came up with four characteristics of a couple that can predict a relationship ending. "Horsemen" refer to the four evils that will come at the end of the world in the Bible.'Anne Owen, psychologist in Lawrence explains the four horsemen.
1. Criticism- "It's like saying 'You never take me anywhere,' rather than saying "I would really like it if you would take me out to dinner."
2. Contempt. "This includes sarasm, eye-rolling, making insults, and other things intently trying to hurt the other person."
3. Defensiveness- "it's like when someone says, 'You never spend time with me,' and the other person gets defensive and says, What do you mean? It's you who doesn't spend time with me!' It's an opportunity to fix the problem, but the issues don't get resolved."
4. Stonewailing- "It's when someone is just like 'talk to the hand, I'm not listening anymore.' The person shuts down and just utterly derails any kind of communication, and conveys disrespectful attitude."
Taking a risk means going through the phases and possibly making mistakes such as these common ones. We may even not realize some mistakes before it's too late. But in reality, "That's what dating is all about," Dailey says. "Otherwise it's romance novels from Dillon's, or Hy-Vee."
*name has been changed
"This sort of energy is good for Lawrence, and it is a more cohesive night for everybody." Murphy said.
Before it started, artists and galleries worked individually. Murphy said the art community is now coming together, and there is more emphasis on community projects.
This Friday, 26 businesses and galleries downtown will take part in the event. Lost Space Art, 845
Lawrence Art Center, Downtown Lawrence Incorporated, the Lawrence Chamber of Commerce, art galleries and artists collaborated in August 2010 to create the monthly event.
downtown every month.
"A recent economic impact study shows that Final Fridays are bringing in at least $85,000 each final Friday to restaurants and businesses around the locations," said Final Fridays Coordinator Molly Murphy.
"We've had anyone from KU professors, to people who ship their art in from Seattle," said Summer Bradshaw, an intern at Wonder Fair Art Gallery, 803 $ \frac{1}{2} $ Massachusetts Street.
Among the local artists who participate in the event, University students have taken advantage of showcasing their work during the event.
In 2011, Jessie Kelley, a senior from Wichita, curated a gallery specifically for 16 college students.
"Final Fridays gets people in the store," said Irene Walker, an artist and employee at BDC Tattoo. "Sometimes there are people who would never step foot in a tattoo shop that have come in."
Edited by Corinne Westeman
Artists from around the country, as well as those from the Lawrence area, have benefited from Final Fridays.
5. SIGNS OF LIFE (722 Massachusetts St.)
Big Daddy Cadillacs Tattoo, 938 Massachusetts Street, features one artist a month. This Friday, they are showing Erin Brazler's "Fatties on Parade" exhibition, which are marker-drawn portraits of humorous cartoon characters.
4. LAWRENCE PUBLIC LIBRARY (707 Vermont St.)
3. THE ELDRIDGE HOTEL (701 Massachusetts St.)
"The place gets pretty packed," Flinders said. "The town is on fire on Final Fridays."
6. THE LAWRENCE ART PARTY (718 New Hampshire St.)
Art.
Like many downtown galleries, its busiest day of the month is on the last Friday.
ies, such as the Fox Trot shoe store, 823 Massachusetts Street, also participate in Final Fridays. Owner Caroline Mithias said the event brings in a lot of foot traffic into her store, and it supports the art community.
7. TELLER'S RESTAURANT UPSTAIRS (746 Massachusetts St.)
13. LOVE GARDEN SOUNDS (822 Massachusetts St.)
12. FOXTROT (823 Massachusetts St.)
CRYPTOQUIPS 4A
OPINION 5A
SPORTS 1B
SUDOKU 4A
CLASSIFIEDS 2B
CROSSWORD 4A
8. PACHAMAMAS (800 New Hampshire St.)
14. DOWNTOWN UPSTAIRS
(824 1/2 Massachusetts St.)
15. PHOENIX GALLERY (825 Massachusetts St.)
9. SMI LING MAD DESIGNS & INKELLO
LETTERPRESS
(801.5, Suite 3 Massachusetts St.)
16. LOST ART SPACE (845 Massachusetts SL.)
17. THE BOURGEOIS PIG (6 E. 9th St.)
18. Z's DIVINE DOWNTOWN ESPRESSO (10 E. 9th St.)
ERS
Index
is a bad general
E 7A
E 6A
E 7A
21. LAWRENCE ARTS CENTER (940 New Hampshire)
nts, unless stated otherwise, © 2012 The University Daily Kansan
Today's Weather
22. KANSAS SAMPLER (921 Massachusetts St.)
23. THE GRANADA (1020 Massachusetts St.)
Don't forget
24. AIMEE'S CAFE & COFFEE SHOP (1025 Massachusetts St.)
25. WATKINS COMMUNITY MUSEUM (1047 Massachusetts St.)
26. 1109 GALLERY (1109 Massachusetts St.)
Continuing student enrollment begins for summer and fall semesters, 2012. For more info, see Office of the Registrar, www.registrar@ku.edu.
Skies will be clear with a warm temperature and a calm north wind.
Everyone can see you sweating.