PAGE 8B
MEN'S BASKETBALL
THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2012
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
By the numbers
MATT GALLOWAY
mgalloway@kansan.com
FEATURE
( GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND THE CHASE )
may come from mistakes common in these phases.
Wearing rose-colored glasses Isabella Sangui, a KU graduate, has counseled students about relationship problems for eight years as a psychologist for the University of Oriente in Cumana, Venezuela, and Central University in
Caracas, Venezuela. She says when getting to know each other, students commonly make mistake of not seeing the person clearly, and moving too fast. "Everybody in this stage is nice, gentle, sweet, and hiding whatever would make the other person have doubts about being in a relationship." Sangui says.
David Kim, a senior from Wichita, agrees people often act to impress their crush. "You might have to change up your game depending on what kind of girl you are flirting with," Kim says. "But if you
PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY ASHLEGH LEE
Sometimes it takes making multiple mistakes with different people before finding "the one."
want to keep this girl around for a long run, it's important to show her who you really are."
This phase can determine if the attraction is mutual, but because of the natural desire to show only the best sides, Sangui suggests slowing down to get to know the person.
Expecting too much
Another common mistake in this stage is acting like a couple, even though the two aren't officially together.
Irene Smith, graduate student from Chicago, says she expected too much, too soon. During her sophomore year in college, she was seeing someone who seemed to be her potential boyfriend. They flirted daily, and she thought they would become official in a matter of time. However, when she found out that he was going on a trip for two days with a student organization, she worried he would meet new girls and flirt with them. She told him not to go, but he went and they had a fight afterwards and never ended up together. "He was still single" Smith says. "In my mind, I was already expecting to be treated like an exclusive girlfriend."
Remember to slow down, and enjoy the light, fun part of the phase.
( IN A RELATIONSHIP )
Thinking the honeymoon phase is real and eternal
The beginning part of the actual relationship is referred to as the "honey-eymoon" phase because it's when two people feel like they are falling in love with each other. Sue Olson, marriage and family therapist at Sunflower Family Therapy, $729 \frac{1}{2}$ Massachusetts St., says there's a neurological explanation behind the honeymoon phase because endorphins, or the "happy hormone," and oxytocin, the "cuddle hormone," create intensely fuzzy, positive happiness.
"The these hormones don't let us think very clearly," Olson says. "We tend to think, 'I can't even begin to see your flaws. You are perfect in every way.'"
Kevin Kline, a junior from Seattle, says he likes everything about a girl during this stage. "If I'm in this phase, I like even the freaking dirt in the air as long as I'm with her," Kline says. He warns, however, that he starts to see flaws of the woman he's into after this phase and realizes that
everything he's been seeing in her so far has been more of the perfect, impossible version of the real person.
Olson says even if you see a potential problem in this phase, you don't think it will be an issue. "Much of the phase is physiological, reacting from neurological perspective, and we are just enjoying," Olson says. Realizing that honeymoon phase is temporary, and being aware that you may be ignoring warning signs may help to make fewer mistakes.
Getting too comfortable, and playing the blame game
As the honeymoon stage passes, couples start showing their real sides and getting too comfortable, starting "sweatpants syndrome" and not being as attentive to partners as before, resulting in accusations that the partner has changed. Vickie Hull, marriage and family therapist with a private practice on 1201 Wakarusa Dr., has seen couples who became disappointed with each other after dating for a while. "I have worked with young married couples who have divorced only after a couple years of marriage, because 'It just wasn't fun anymore'," Hull says. "That is tragic, because all relationships have this initial feel-good phase, but then the relationship naturally matures, and real life does set in."
Kathy Garner,* a senior from Overland Park, says long-term relationships may fall apart when a couple gets too comfortable with each other. "My ex started to vegetate and play video games, got fat and quit his hygiene upkeep, as well as going to classes. He got pretty disgusting and I couldn't stand it," Garner says.
Hull says in this case, Garner's ex-boyfriend was showing his true self, rather than having changed as a person. Before, he was using Prince Charming as a short-term persona to attract and interest her, but he couldn't keep that persona up any longer. "Even if she could convince him to put the prince suit back on, it wouldn't fit forever. Think how hard it is to change yourself and then realize it will be even harder to change someone else, especially if they don't want that change."
It is common to think a partner has changed than to realize that the person you possibly fell for in the beginning was not 100 percent real to begin with, and it can also be a mistake to take each other for granted and stop making an effort to impress each other.