16B
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkellhess@kanan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
BRIEFLY
THURSDAY, MAY 9, 2002
Student regrets shaving beard, enjoyed 'wise' look
OLIVER HALL — Jeremy Hawkthorne, Waubunsee sophomore, shaved off his 10-month-old beard Monday and has regretted it ever since.
"Whenever I used to say anything at all, people would listen as if it was important," Hawkthorne said. "but now I just look like another kid
struggling to sound grown-up."
Hawkthorne's friends and acquaintances agree.
"He used to just let off this aura of wisdom," said friend Bill O'Malley, Topeka sophomore. "Even if you just asked him what the answer to a simple question such as 'Do you want to go eat?'
he would stroke the beard, look off into the distance and then make his decision. Now, he just reaches toward his smooth cheeks, gets a sad look and gives his answer."
Jeremy's considered hiding away the rest of the semester and summer in order to grow it back.
"I just hate being looked at like just another student" he said. "I didn't realize how much I enjoyed being the Jesus-like guy with the knowing appearance."
According to a 2001 New York Times survey of 3 bearded men, 66.6 percent of them wore the beard for the 'wise look.' The other 33.3 percent were just lazy.
Adrian Zink
Graduate embellishes title of first job to impress friends
Last Thursday, recent KU alumnus Adil Hoxha told his friends that he was hired as a "Food and Beverage Delivery Consultant."
When his friends, motivated by several beers and the desire to humiliate, prodded him about what that actually meant, it came to light that Hoxha was in charge of emptying change and restocking area vending machines.
"It's got to be done by somebody," Hoxha said before taking a large gulp of whiskey. "If it weren't for me, Twin and Snickers, Coke and Pepsi would go the way of the dinosaur."
After friends made more comments on his highly polished "Delivery Consultant" title, Hoxha said everyone embellished.
"There are people out there called 'Telecommunications Service Specialist' who deliver nothing but low-brow telephone porn," he said. "Those people get paid by the minute. At least I get paid by the hour."
Brad Weiner
INSIDETODAY
Graduate gets first paycheck, upgrades from schwag, page 4D
Antisocial student becomes social drinker, page 1L
Tongue in Beak presents
To Delta Force, for proving once and for all that an empire built on dreds is bound to go up in smoke.
The 71st annual
Fools on the Hill awards
The Al Gore Incumbent Failure Award
The KU Greens Vowel Conservation Award
To Jonathan Ng, for keeping things short.
The Miss Cleo Predict-A-Future Award
To Drew Gooden, who shocked campus by doing exactly what everyone always expected him to do anyway.
The Wescoe Award for Campus Architecture
To Budig Hall, for giving campus tourguides something to brag about after Wescoe.
Delivery of the Year Award
The Technology and Innovation Award
To The Enrollment Center, for creating the new and even more difficult E-Passports. Now students can be pissed off online, rather than in line.
The Foot in Mouth Award
The Diversity Award
To Reggie Duncan and Mario Kinsey, who, when they weren't connecting on the field, these two made connections with local pizza parlors and the cops.
To Matt Steppe, for giving campus a vision and then blinding us with Enrollment gate.
The Even 0.500 Award
The Tongue in Beak Fool on the Hill Award
To the KU Men's and Women's basketball programs, for winning as many regular season conference games as we lost in the Big 12.
To Lee, for getting us all to agree on monotheism,mono-T-ism,and the fact that we can all agree to disagree.
To The Campus Masturbator, the joke you can see coming from a mile away ... at least on this page.
Name change eases smoking concerns
By Brandon Gay Kansan satire writer
Rachael Brewster used to feel bad about smoking. But now the Kansas City, Kan. sophomore and three pack a day chain-smoker says it doesn't seem that bad any more.
Brewster is one of the millions of Americans whose views about smoking changed last month when shareholders of Philip Morris, the nation's largest tobacco company, voted to change the company's name to "Altria Group, Inc."
The name change is intended to put a more positive label on a troubled company.
"Suddenly, smoking doesn't seem all that bad anymore. Altria Group, Inc. sounds like a
very nice, friendly company. With a name like that, they wouldn't make any products that were bad for me," Brewster said after pausing to catch her breath and get hooked up to her oxygen tank.
In other related stories, cigarettes will now be referred to as "pleasantettes," lung cancer will be called "heaven's gateway," and emphysema will change its name to "Medicare payout enhancement."
Heart disease is reportedly also considering dropping the term "heart attack" in favor of "Dick Cheney's Biannual Blessing."
KIMBERLY THOMPSON/KANSAN
Rachel Brewster, Kansas City, Kan. sophomore, enjoys a cigarette from Altria, formerly Philip Morris Co.
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com.
World Leader Boxing matches Arafat, Sharon
Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon held a joint press conference yesterday in Tel Aviv, Israel, to announce they had forgotten whose turn it was to retaliate.
Last they can remember, Israel had just retaliated to Palestinian terrorism, which was in response to the retaliatory Israeli aggression.
During the press conference's most dramatic moment, Sharon shouted, "It's my turn!" to which Arafat said, "No it's not, you big baby, it's my turn!"
The two sides then agreed to a cease-fire, which ends a bloody millennium-old fight for a slice of land approximately the size of an extra large pizza.
To keep the region in the news, Arafat and Sharon agreed to Fox's offer to be contestants on World Leader Boxing, which premiers in June.
According to the rules, the match will last 5,000 rounds, there must be blood shed, and the winner will receive a used belt with a broken buckle.
The often volatile Arafat said
he was pleased with the terms of the boxing match, but does still harbor some resentment.
"I (expletive) (expletive)
really (expletive) a (expletive)
(expletive) Sharon," Arafat
said."
Sharon had similar feelings about Arafat.
"I think Yasser is just sore because his name is Yasser," Sharon said. "And he can (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)."
Brandon Gay
Graduation tips
By Brad Weiner
Kansan satire writer
Always light the barbecue grill with lighter fluid instead of Binaca.
Never yell "Skynyrd Rules!" when the band plays "Pomp and Circumstance."
If you walk down the hill naked, don't forget your cap and tassle.
Ganja brownies for graduation parties are not sold at Dillons.
Make sure you are enrolled at KU. It is necessary to graduate.
Avoid mention of your chronic diarrhea when interviewing with prospective employers
When photographers ask you to smile, tell them to piss off.
Never tell your family you majored in sociology. You aren't the only one who knows it's useless.
Never discuss your salary with friends of family. They will exploit you for every cent.
Carry your resume at all times. It can be used as an ice breaker with those stubborn sorority girls.
If it took you more than four years to graduate, say that your final year was spent doing top secret missile defense training.
- When your family is present, be sure to alter that potty mouth. Use "shucky darns" if necessary.
- Be sure to exploit the free food at every graduation ceremony. Who knows when that first unemployment check will arrive.
Neverdrink Smirnoff Ice. We are adults now.
Be on the lookout for Osama bin Laden.
Clean your bathroom for friends, family and guests Remember, sanitary conditions are different on the outside.
■ Your-diploma is not an accomplishment. It's a receipt $_{ETD}$
Contact Weiner at beak@kansan.com.
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials INSERT THUMBACK
Stu's
BADA BING
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud / Bud Lt. Live dancing
*See Club for Details
BADA BING
BAMBINO'S
CHILI'S
HARBOUR LIGHTS
JACK FLANIGANS
JAYHAWK CAFE
J.B. STOUTS
JET LAG LOUNGE
STU's
YACHT CLUB
$3 Martinis
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
Amateur Night Live Dancing
10 oz, $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
Live dancing
Live dancing
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
10.99 Pounds
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
Margaritas
10 oz $1 Dom, Draws,
House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$2 micros and imports
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
10 oz, $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50 wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
Cajun Menu
and $1.50 u-call-its
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer
liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
House Maraquitas. $2 Wells
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
$2.50 Import bottles
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$9.75 KC Strip dinner $3 Stoli drinks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
2-For-1 almost anything
$1.75 domestic big beers
$2 Anything
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws; $1 house shots
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
25¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.50 domestic bottles.
$3 import bottles
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2 domestic bottles
$2 single/$3 double wells,
live DJ
$3 Pitchers
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.00 almost anything
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$1.25 16oz draws
$3.25 18x double of Long island
fed teas and Long Beach teas
    $4 for 18 oz pitchers $3.25 10x
baked teas $4 for 18 oz draws, $10 10x draw
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.50 domestic big beers
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25¢
wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.