8B
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Mark Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mrmerkell@kansan.com
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
TONGUEINBEAK
THURSDAY, MAY 2, 2002
BRIEFLY
DeVry basketball team recruits 1986 Branson star
Kansas City's DeVry Institute of Technology basketball fans might see a dramatic turnaround next year after the recruitment of Branson, Mo., native Cletus Johnson.
Johnson, a 34-year-old, 5-foot-9-inch, 237-
pound shooting guard, is the most highly touted recruit in Kansas City DeVry's history. An all-league performer in 1986, he once scored 20 points while leading Branson High to a city title.
Nicknamed "The Mustached Maestro" because of his trademark facial fuzz, Johnson is one of four DeVry starting basketball players to sport mustaches.
Johnson
He's expected to be a key player against DeVry rivals ITT Technical Institute.
Johnson does not see himself as the typical shooting guard.
"I can do this, that and the other thing —I'm a jock of all trades," he said. "I'm going to be serious about success in basketball while also getting a career-oriented, technology-based education."
The tuition increase at the University of Kansas has created new, unforeseen victims: the male sophomores of Fall 2002.
More victims created by KU budget crisis
Enrollment at KU is predicted to go down next fall because of tuition increases. A smaller freshman class means fewer dating options for some returning male students.
"Man, I won't even be able to tell people it's just because I'm a freshman that I can't get a date," said Matt Lambert, Boston freshman. "Now it's just going to be obvious who's lame, and who's able to get jiggy with it."
KU has offered no contingency plan for any student who was counting on finding the love of his life in the incoming freshman class.
Provost David Shulenburger could not speak officially for the University on this matter, but said that he personally felt "really bad for all those cradle-robbers who won't be able to find dates."
C. J. Jackson
INSIDETODAY
-KU Professors Gone Wild' video tanks at local retailers, page 4D
- Grocery stores introduce 'I Can't Believe it's not Duck Butter,' page 2L.
Student discovers Kournikova actually a tennis player, page 3B.
Campanile switch to top 40 angers local carillon fans, page 3F.
Student trampled while camping for upcoming 'Star Wars Episode II'
SOUTH WIND 12 — Anxious moviegoers heading to Friday night's opening of Jason X unknowingly walked all over local nerd Corey Rickards, Hays junior.
By Adrian Zink Kansan satire writer
Rv Adrian Zink
Rickards said he had been lying in that spot for the last week in anticipation of the release of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones on May 16.
"I'm glad I finally got that wake-up call," he said. "As soon as I felt all of my bones breaking and my precious blood started oozing out of most of my orifices, something inside me said 'Hey! What are you doing? Why don't you just go on with your life like everyone else? You'll see the movie eventually, if not the first night."
Rickard was life-flighted to KU Med Center in Kansas City, Kan., where he vowed to start a new life as soon as he's healed.
"I'm gonna stop fantasizing about the whole Princess Leia thing," he said. "The reason I never had a girlfriend was that I couldn't find any with the hair buns like that."
This wasn't Rickard's first instance of being trained while camping out for a *Star Wars* film.
"When I camped out for the first one, I was wearing my Darth Vader outfit, so it protected me from the kind of crushing I recently received," he said. "My wounds were so severe this time because of my Jar-jar outfit. It's made of thin rubber. It even has a retractable tongue. Well, 'had' one I suppose."
Rickard's friends said they were happy he finally chose to stop obsessing about *Star Wars*.
"Maybe this means he'll stop trying to fight me with a light saber whenever I take his Ewok porn," said roommate Dave Churlinski. Burlington junior.
JILLIAN THORPE/KANSAN
Pulling himself together after being trampled, Corey Richards, Hays junior, begins to see the light about his obsessive Star Wars behavior.
Site helps KU students 'do it later'
By Brandon Gav
ByBrandon Gay
Kansan Satire Writer
Anew Web site is helping University of Kansas students crack down on the temptation to do homework, write papers and read textbooks.
KU has signed up for the site. www.doitlater.com, said Benjamin McCarthy, Topeka senior.
McCarthy collected student donations totaling $500 to pay for a one year doilater.com subscription. The donation drive began after KU paid $4,000 for a subscription to www.turnitin.com, a web page that helps instructors spot plagiarism in student's papers.
"I had a seven page paper on the use of propaganda during World War II due last Friday and doilitater.com helped me give Roy Williams really big ears and a funky nose job. It was great," said Sarah Thompson, Beloit junior. "I've got a big physics project coming up—I can't wait to challenge my roommate to a tic tac toe tournament."
The new Web site helps students procrastinate with tie toe toe, love quizzes and really cool pictures of Roy Williams that can be warped with the click of a mouse.
A few of the other popular features of the online procrastination publication include a shrine to cheese and a Norwegian beer trivia game. A shrine to cheese byproducts is in the works.
McCarthy said there were some things KU couldn't take away from students.
"They can take away our ability to plagiize," he said. "But our right to procrastinate—that's sacred, man."
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com
Students have found new and exiting ways to put off work with the subscription to www.doit-later.com. At left are Jason Smith, Leawood senior, Jay Knopf, Kearney, Neb. junior, and Katy Bartleby, Neodesha junior.
JILLIANTHORPE/KANSAN
TUITION INCREASE Where the money will go
$1.9 Hire men in trenchcoats to hand out million free New Testaments each semester
The University of Kansas is proposing a $51.6 million dollar increase starting next year. According to the latest plan, here's where the money will go.
$32 Begin marketing campaign for next million tuition increase
$6 Purchase water to add to powdered million soap in campus bathrooms
$8 Give away 25,000 'KU 287th' T-shirts to million celebrate football team
$600 Add intramural figure skating to thousand recreation programs
$30 Continue "Great Oppressors of the thousand 20th Century" SUA speaker series
Provide seniors with $1-off-grad-school coupon
$420 Neighborhood watch and Junior thousand DEA programs at Hashinger Hall
$2 Establish Finnish-American Basketball million Hall of Fame
Implement online enrollment
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
LAWRENCE since 1919
BADA BING
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/Lbd Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details
Live dancing
Live dancing
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
BAMBINO's
Amateur Night Live Dancing
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
etroit night. No cover all night
$3 Martinis
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
Margaritas
CADILLAC RANCH
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2 micros and imports
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
$1 anything
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
CHILI'S
HARBOUR LIGHTS
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
2 House Margaritas, 2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
2 House Margaritas, 2 Wells
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
JACK FLANIGANS
JAYHAWK CAFE
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
$2.50 Import bottles
$2Anything
$1.75 dom.bottles,$3.25 micro beer liters,$3.75 premium liters
$1 Busch & Miller HI life cards, $1.50
$1 dom draw, $1.50 micro draws,
$2.50 dolphins, live music,
$1.75 premium draws
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks.
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
J. B. STOUTS
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
2-For-1 almost anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
25c Wings, $2 Big Beers
Glass Night - you keep the Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine class and not ruffle refills is featured with an entree.
$1.75 domestic big beers
$2 domestic bottles
JET LAG LOUNGE
STU'S
$216oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
YACHT CLUB
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$4 pitchers.
$1.50 house shots
$1.00 almost anything
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$3 Pitchers
$1,75 domestic bottles.
$2,50 micro bottles
$1.50 domestic pints
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$2 single $3 double wells
live DJ
$3.25 16oz doubles of Long Island
load Teas and Long Beach Teas
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.2516oz draws
$1.50 domestic big beers
$2 all bottles, free pool
$4 for 48 oz pitchers, $33 22 oz big
raws, $2 16 oz draws, $1 10 oz draw
$1.50 pints.
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $26
wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.