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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 894-4810 or mmerkelhess@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2002
BRIEFLY
Worlds of Fun discontinues unpopular Braveheart Ride
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Worlds of Fun Director of Operations Jim Borinko announced yesterday that the never-too-popular Braveheart ride would not run after this Saturday.
"We got a lot of complaints about people being hit with arrows and being stabbed," Borinka said. "And we had some old guy try to sue us for pouring burning hot tar on him, but he didn't get too far with that! What do you expect from a real-life Middle Ages experience?"
Although many enjoyed the replica of Mel Gibson's piercing blue eyes and rogueish features, they weren't too thrilled with the big rocks being thrown at them.
Borinko is looking past the Braveheart failure to other Medieval attractions, such as The Rackfor-Kids Land, The Plague Cafeteria, and the much-anticipated Bloodletting with Snoopy.
"We'll get these weaklings coming by the bushel soon as they realize what a learning experience this will be," he said. "There weren't that many deaths last year. Life is all about death anyway. What are they scared of?"
Adrian Zink
Book says free Bibles useful in day-to-day routine
A new book written by a University of Kansas alumnus describes "over three hundred ways" to use complimentary copies of the New Testament in everyday life.
The Bibles are given out on Jayhawk Boulevard each year by a group of well-dressed religious people called The Bible Givers.
Gary Gullard, a 1997 KU graduate, realized that after six years in college he had acquired a staggering number of free Bibles and decided to put them to use.
"They are great for propping up tables, building forts and using in recipes," he said. "They make good coasters but only for small rectangular drinks. I have even used them as bookmarks in much larger books."
Gullard's book, Free Bibles Are Not Useless, is being grabbed from bookshelves nationwide. Its unprecedented success can be attributed to many people thinking that free Bibles are not the same as expensive store-bought editions. Gullard has received considerable complaints from religious groups citing that he is "disprespecting and ruining the text."
Gullard takes it in stride.
"They may be right," he said, "but at least my table does not wobble anymore."
—Ben Weiner
INSIDE TODAY
Women of KU left unplouged by world's fastest man, page 4D.
Bush to Arafat: Go easy on my colon, page 1L.
Campus tourguide flogged for walking forward, page 3C.
Busturns100yearsold
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LINDSEY KILIANY AND LAURIE SISK/KANSAN
By Adrian Zink Kansan satire writer
Rv Adrian Zink
Bully! In 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt christened old bus #49 in this shot from the *Kansan* archives. The bus turned 100 today.
A bus with a long and infamous history celebrates its 100th birthday today, said KU on Wheels director Buddy Tyler.
"President Teddy Roosevelt was on hand to launch old number 94 in 1902, and he christened it "The fastest buggy in all 45 states!" Tyler said. "I suppose she's still pretty fast going downhill. She's a good bus. Legend has it that the lime-green paint job often scared the horses. Oh yeah, that and the whole crazy driver thing. We're not sure how that all started."
The effects of the years can still be seen all over the bus. During the World War II, the comfortable seats were removed for the war effort.
They haven't been replaced since. The old horse-stirrups are still shoved in a corner in the back, and that famous 1981 coffee incident stain still sparks many a conversation for bus riders.
"We expect to get at least 135 more years out of the girl." Tyler said. "After that we'll probably sell it to K-State or something. We always sell them our left-over crap."
Birthday celebrations are planned for the entire day. The bus will be busy the whole day going from event to event. Festivities start at McCollum Hall, then go to Gertrude Sellards Pearson-Corbin Hall, then back to McCollum, then back to GSP.
allowed to ride the bus like they always have, and can get off the bus at any bus stop that the bus goes by.
Students with bus passes will be
"We're pulling out all the strings today, I tell you. It's going to be a blast!" Tyler said.
Contact Zink at beak@kansan.com
Administrators to be featured in 'Playgirl'
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
It's been a lifelong dream for Chancellor Robert Hemenway and several of his beefed-up, muscle-bound and tuned-in administrative colleagues to be in a magazine. Now, thanks to an upcoming spread in Playgirl magazine, several University of Kansas administrators will realize their dream in the upcoming "Administrators of the Big 12" issue.
A photo shoot is set for next week and will hit newsstands, adult entertainment shops and KU libraries in August. The spread will feature four or five administrators from each of the Big 12 schools.
"I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of that magazine," said Becky
Kimberly Stratford, Playgirl vice president in charge of older men, said the administrators would be shown going about their jobs, minus the clothes that normally conceal their sagging bodies from drooling women.
Hemenway
Shulenburger
Bohl
Shulenburger, who plans to be first in line at the photo shoot, said he didn't mind being seen as a sex object.
Remmington, Lawrence junior.
"Vice Chancellor Ambler is totally hot. And, it's no secret girls go wild for Provost David Shulenburger and Athletics Director Al Bohl."
"I'm not really sure what it is about me, chicks just to dig me," Shulenburger said. "At first the stares from women around campus bothered me a little, but I have to admit, I kind of enjoy it now. Sometimes I'll just throw on a short sleeve polo, hop in my Lincoln Towncar and drive
Ambler
hemenway said he had a little "enhancement surgery" planned before the big photo shoot next week. Although he wouldn't release specific details, he did provide a hint.
around campus showing off for the ladies. This Playgirl thing is just a chance to show off on a much larger stage."
"Let's just say tuition isn't the only thing around here that will soon be increasing by 120 percent," Hemenway said.
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com.
Actor regrets appearing in laxative commercial
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
"I just wanted to get noticed and get exposure," he said.
When he moved to Los Angeles two years ago, Katz said he would take any role offered to him.
Strugglimg actor Kevin Katz said he will choose his roles more carefully after a 30-second laxative commercial made him the laughing stock of his friends.
So when his agent called one and a half years later with the commercial offer, Katz was pleased. Even though it was a laxative commercial, Katz said he had no problem with it.
"I saw this as an opportunity to get my face out there," he said. "Maybe some filmmaker would see that commercial and decide I was their next leading man."
When Katz's friends saw the commercial they began to relentlessly berate him with low brow jokes about being in a laxative commercial.
"Right after the commercial first aired my buddy Mark called and left this message and makes some joke about how I should go work on a riverboat since I am now an expert at clearing log jams," he said.
The jokes did not end there though. Shortly after the commercial began airing, one of Katz's friends took him to a party where he was introduced to everybody as "the constipated guy on TV." That party became a four-hour nightmare where strangers made jokes at his expense for his portrayal of a constituted man on television.
The experience has caused Katz to rethink the role.
"I am not doing anymore laxative commercials, my friends are just too immature," he said. "In fact I am not doing any more commercials that pitch any kind of product that has anything to do with bodily functions."
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so youll never miss a special!
Stu's
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details"
BADA BING
FRIDAY Live dancing
Live dancing
Live dancing
SUNDAY
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
$3 Martinis
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
Margaritas-Big Screen TV
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitcher, $2 wells,
etro night/ No cover all night
MONDAY
Amateur Night
Live Dancing
$1 big beers &
$1 double wells
$2 micros and imports
BAMBINO'S
TUESDAY
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
CADILLAC RANCH CHILI'S
$1 anything
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
HARBOUR LIGHTS
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles.
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws,
alls $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$9.75 KC Strip dinner $3 Stoll drinks
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
JACK FLANIGANS
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
10 oz. $1 Don. Draws.
2 House Margaritas. 2 Wells. 2 House Margaritas. 2 We
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
JAYHAWK CAFE
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
2-For-1 almost anything
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$2.50 Import bottles
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
$2 Anything
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
J. B. STOUTS
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
SIN Night; $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
JET LAG LOUNGE
STU'S
25c Wings,$2 Big Beers
$4 pitchers.
$1.50 house shots
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
Glass Night - you keep the Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine glass and get cheap refills is featured with an entree
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
9.75瓶装水
$2 domestic bottles
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$2.75 Boulevard pints
YACHT CLUB
$1.00 almost anything
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$1.50 domestic pints
$2 domestic big beers
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.25 16oz draws
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$1 Almost Anything, live DJ
$3.25 16oz doubles of Long Island
Ice and Long Beach Teas
Draws $4 for 48 oz pitcher, $32 10 oz
ice todees and $28 10 oz drawings, $10 10 oz draw
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.75 domestic big beers
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25¢ wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
JET LAG LOUNGE
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