8B
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincident.
Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelhess@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2002
BRIEFLY
Martial arts guru leads campus 'agree' campaign
Martial arts expert Bruce Lee inspired hundreds of students to wear T-shirts this week proclaiming their allegiance to his martial arts movies, many of which have attained cult status.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEN ROSS/KANSAN
Mills orders staff to destroy Senate office following loss
After last week's extremely boring and insignificant Student Senate elections, Justin Mills, current student body president, ordered his staff to ransack the Senate offices for the incoming KUKitted regime. Police reported that the mini bar was not stocked, the kickback fund was completely dry and all of the N's and G's were removed from the computer keyboards.
Additionally, the luxurious presidential aircraft was vandalized with permanent markers with remarks like "Pooh-Knighted" and "Tuition Increases Rule!" The damages were reported at $5,000, money that will need to be paid back from the failing Delta Force fair trade coffee empire.
Students condemned the "soreloseness."
"It is sad that the Delta Force people didn't act with a little more class and that the girls don't shave their pits," said Wally Bierenbreck, Lawrence sophomore.
LAWRENCE support Mills couldn't be reached for comment because he was camping on Wescoe Beach to raise money for Matt Steppe's re-enrollment fee.
-Brad Weine
INSIDETODAY
Dyslexia growing on campsu. Page L1.
Mrs. Pibb files for divorce: Pibb Extra got between her and the Mr. Page 3F.
Student prepares for Playboy shoot, gets implants. Page 36DD.
EPA declares Kaw River 'lost cause'
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
The Environmental Protection Agency has made it official: the Kansas River is hopeless.
Melvin Meed, who studies rivers for the EPA in his spare time, filed the paperwork necessary to add the Kansas River to the EPA's list of lost causes. The river will soon join a lagoon of unidentified boiling green stuff in Tenec, N.J., and a large portion of Nevada that is really, really radioactive.
"It is unbelievable how dirty this river is." Meed said. "This is Kansas — there cannot possibly be enough stuff in this state to make it smell so damn bad."
The problem goes beyond agricultural runoff and excess sewage. Meed said.
"It's like aliens are dumping intergalactic trash in the river," he said.
The EPA decided to write off the river after Meed's 10-person team discovered various heavy metals, 20 toxic chemicals, 47 biohazards and 11 substances that could not be identified or classified, and a variety of sexually transmitted diseases in the river. Seven team members became ill from the work, some of them with ailments thought to be eradicated in the 1950s.
Meed said there was nothing the EPA can do about the river until the discovery of anti-pollution, which only existed in theory. Meed did give some advice on learning to live with the river.
"Don't touch it, try not to breathe if you're around it, and for God's sake don't drink from it," he said. "Come to think of it, you shouldn't even look at it."
Earl Buck, a 77-year-old North Lawrence resident, said the river hadn't changed much in his lifetime.
"Yeah, it's one damn dirty son-of-a-gun," he said. "Ain't nothing you can do about it, it's been filthier than a spittoon at a saloon as long it's been there. I guess it's God's will."
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
CHRISTINA NEFF/KANSAN
Above, some trash we threw in the Kansas River. The EPA recently added the river to a list of "lost causes" because of pollution and trash.
Study analyzes meaning of'dude'
By Brad Weiner Kansan satire writer
Researchers at the world famous New York Linguisting (sic) Institute have developed a computer program to analyze the world's most versatile word: "dude."
The origins of the word "dude" are unknown despite its documentation for more than three decades.
The computer program DecoderDude, was patented by three scientists at the institute who wanted to compare voice levels and inflection of the speaker in comparison to its intended meaning. So far, more than two thousand translations have been discovered.
"If somebody draws out the middle vowels, it usually shows excitement," said linguist Stanley Bitterbocher. "If the word is abrupt and stern it can be used to admonish a comrade for such infractions as eating the last slice of pizza or playing Radiohead too loudly."
the placement of "dude" in a sentence also is important. If it is first, it normally means that the speaker has nothing to say, and is either a level two or -three idiot, as
in "Dude, I wish I hadn't eaten that second can of Pringles."
Those with higher IQs and fewer drinks normally put it at the end, such as, "Excuse me, would you like to return to my scholarship hall for an evening of sex, dude?"
"We have identified versions of 'dude' in primitive Amazon tribes," she said. "It is our duty to posterity to make sure that no interpretation will be left untranslated."
Brandy Frasch, co-creator of DecoderDude and linguist, said that the work is far from finished.
Some taxpayers think the research is "frivolous" while others welcome the idea.
Denny Skinner, New Jersey derelict, said, "Dude, those dude dudes are really getting to the bottom of a big problem, dude. Hey wait, don't print that, dude."
The DecoderDude teams hopes to have all research finished by 2006 in time for the Nobel Prize announcements.
Contact Weiner at beak@kansan.com, dude.
The Dude
DUDE!
Pronunciations of "dude" identified by linguists, with an example usage.
Duude—I would appreciate your returning my Warrant CD.
Dood — That powdered soap is really harshing my mellow.
Warrant CD.
Dood—That powdered
Dud — I really messed up that spelling test.
Dewwd — Dillons is havengy KY, lolly sale
■ Dewwe — Bimble is in a KY Jelly sale.
■ Deuxd — Could you pass
■ Dexud — Could you pass the bleu cheese?
■ Dzude — The Z is silent,
Dzude — The Z is silent, bro!
Do-ooh-ood — Sometimes Diana Ross gives me an erection.
Edud — My dyslexia is acting up again.
ing up again
Djkijksjde — My turrets is acting up again.
suiting up...
■ Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude -
That's sooooo cool!
Drewde — Our team is about to get drewde.
Dude! —That pork better be kosher!
Total sausage fest occurs on weekend
By Max Minor Kansan satire writer
Students were disappointed this Saturday after being promised a "blowout with lots of chicks," and instead were treated to "a small get-together with a ton of man-meat."
Jim Simons, Garden City junior said, "I gotta tell you, I hadn't seen that much cock since Schindler's List."
Peter Park, Lawrence freshman, agreed. "I agree," he said.
A spokesman for the party hosts said, "The party had to face a lot that night. There was a basketball game, the weather was bad, and some dumb frat dudes were also throwing a party."
Immediately following the comment, the spokesman wiped away what looked to be a tear.
When asked whether or not the hosts would ever attempt to throw another party, the spokesman said, "I don't know if you guys deserve another party."
Party-goers claim there was only two girls at the
event. According to sources, both were with bowfriends.
"Basically, we were promised one thing and got something totally different," said Jeff Slayer, Topeka sophomore. "Luckily, there was a Wild On marathon, otherwise the party would have been a total bust."
Some party-goers have contemplated taking legal action, but as of yet there have been no definite movements towards that alternative.
When asked about this, the hosts' spokesman said, "That is just ludicrous. It wasn't the people who made it who lost out. It was the hot chicks who didn't make it who lost out. They are the losers. Not my clients. The hot chicks. They're the losers."
Messages were left on some hot chicks' answering machines asking for a response to this claim, but as of yet no calls have been returned.
Contact Minor at beak@kansan.com.
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Stu's
BADA BING
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details"
FRIDAY Live dancing
Live dancing
Live dancing
$3 Martinis
SUNDAY
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitcher, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
Margaritas-Big Screen TV
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$2 micros and imports
BAMBINO'S
$1 anything
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
CADILLAC RANCH CHILI'S
HARBOUR LIGHTS
10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Welle
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws
2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws;
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
Boulevard Nighl!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margantas, $2 Wells
JACK FLANIGANS
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
$2 House Margaritas. $2 Wells
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
2-For-1 almost anything
$1 Busch & Miller HL life csns, $1.50 $1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
wells, $2.75 dollars, live music
$1.50 premium cards
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
JAYHAWK CAFE
$2 Anything
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 catt drinks, $4 double catts
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
J. B. STOUTS
$2.50 Import bottles
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
25c Wings, $2 Big Beers
JET LAG LOUNGE STU'S
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$1.50 well drinks. $2 pints.
$2.25 margaritas
$1.00 almost anything
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
YACHT CLUB
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2 domestic big beers
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$2 domestic bottles
$1.50 domestic pints
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live band
$2.15 oz doubles of Long Island
Jed Tees and Lonch Reach Teas .draw $4 for 18 oz pitchers. $32 oz big
10 oz draw. $4 for 28 oz draw. $11 oz big draw
$1.25 16oz draws
$1 Almost Anything, live DJ
$1.75 domestic big beers
$2 all bottles, free pool
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c
wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
JET LAG LOUNGE
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