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- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmmerkel@kensan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2002
WESCOE FORECAST HAIKU Spring sun on gray box every day cloudy inside falling apart fast.
BRIEFLY
Dan Quayle announces plans to campaign for president in 2003
Former vice president Dan Quayle formally announced his plans to run in the 2003 presidential election yesterday.
"It's about time we put a Republican back in the White House," Quayle said. "And in 2003, dogonit, it's gonna happen."
Today, Quayle is expected to reveal whom he will ask to be his running mate. His tentative list includes Tom Daschle, Gary Condit and Ralph Nader.
Search for bin Laden over; now Osama's turn to be 'it'
A six-month-long game of hide and seek was concluded yesterday as Osama bin Laden successfully reached "base." Upon his arrival bin Laden screamed out "Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!" while high-fiving several Al Qaeda officials.
According to game rules bin Laden must now be "it." He will be required to cover his eyes and count to ten while George W. Bush will have the opportunity to hide anywhere in the world.
Ben Ross
Hydrogen and Helium to battle for top spot on Periodic Table
The Periodic Table Battle League announced yesterday that No.2 Hellum will fight No.1 Hydrogen for the title of the universe.
Helium has a distinguished career in the Bat league, but has never gained a spot higher than No. 2. Analysts say that for the first time ever, Helium might have a chance to split rival Hydrogen, which has shown weakness lately, especially in the highly-publicized title fight against Nitrogen.
Sports fans are ecstatic about the event.
Sports fans are ecstatic about the event. "I will be glued to the TV," said William Walker, a banker with gambling problems. "I don't care if the universe implodes, Helium's gonna kick ass."
The once-in-a-lifetime fight will be broadcast live from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.
Brad Weiner
INSIDETODAY
- Johnson County student visits North Lawrence, decides to apply to Americorps, page 1L
Phish on The Simpsons results in delay of hippie wedding, page 2C
Duck Hunt player moves closer to television, page 4K
University to drop students online
By Brandon Gay
Kansan Satire Writer
The University of Kansas announced today a plan that aims to simplify enrollment by automatically dropping students online.
Registrar Richard Morrell said that while online enrollment appeared to be a few decades away, the University hoped to have cyber drop capabilities ready this spring.
In February, 450 students were dropped from classes due to mix-ups and had to scramble to re-enroll.
Keith Van Buren, Dodge City sophomore, plans to cybermoon an administrator after he was electronically dropped from his classes.
"We simply can't have a mess like that again," Morrell said. "We had ticked-off students running around this campus. It was total confusion. Now, when we accidentally drop students we'll do it right."
Under the new plan, students will be electronically dropped right away and sent a personalized e-mail informing them they will be unable to attend their classes next semester. Morrell said this would give students
time to find something to do next fall. Attached to the e-mail will be an application to run for student body president.
No decision has been made on how dropped students will be president.
selected, but the University might purchase a used Kansas Lottery ping pong ball number picker to randomly select around 500 unlucky students.
"This will make dropping classes much easier all the way around."
Morrell said. "It will show we care about the students we screw."
Students can expect to begin receiving drop notices in their in boxes as early as May 1.
Also included in the plan are features that will allow students to electronically take out their enrollment frustrations with a mouse click. Students will be able to send the University a nasty e-mail from its own Web page by selecting from seven preset, expletive filled, totally inappropriate messages. There also will be a "moon an administrator" online feature.
an administrator at KU still sucks, but you have to give these guys credit," said Keith Van Buren, Dodge City sophomore. "It sounds like they are really trying to help us out. If KU messes up my enrollment, I'm totally going to cyber moon (Provost David) Shulenburger."
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com
Levi's introduces no-wash jeans
By Joe Stephenson
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
Levi Strauss and Company took a bold step in fashion this week by introducing No Wash jeans.
The Levi's 565 No Wash look and feel just like regular jeans, but the owner never needs to wash them.
Levi's designer Emily Carmen said the No Wash was developed after a market survey.
"The most surprising thing we uncovered was that only 0.06 percent of the population washed their jeans on a regular basis," she said. "The highest percentage of non-washers was among college students. We decided the time was right to introduce Wash Jeans."
Reaction to the No Wash line was positive among KU students. Mike Smitty, Holton senior, said he would buy the jeans.
buy the jeans "I hardly ever wash my jeans anyway." Smitty said. "One time I kept forgetting to wash my jeans and I went around for like three weeks wearing these jeans I spilled beer and dropped a chicken wing on. I also try not to wash my jeans too much because they shrink."
The new No Wash line will be available in about two weeks. They will be available in regular, relaxed and loose
AARON SHOWALTER/KANSAN
Above, Levi's new No Wash jeans after accidentally being washed.
fit. A boot cut and button fly will be available in the fall.
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
Gooden still undecided about plans for next year
By Ben Ross Kansan satire writer
After three magnificent seasons with the Kansas basketball team,star forward Drew Gooden is now forced to make the most difficult decision of his career: what type of vehicle will transport him from his multi-million dollar estate to practices with his future NBA team.
"I never knew choosing a car could be so difficult. I mean, (expletive), who wants to choose between a BMW 850CL and a Lincoln Navigator," Gooden said to an anxious crowd of KU fans and boosters at a recent press conference.
The crowd responded with cheers "One more gear" referring to the six-speed manual transmission that comes standard on the BMW 850.
The Navigator is only available with a five-speed automatic.
"I think Drew would look pimp in the chromed-out 850CL with a rear spoiler and ground-effects package," said former
assistant coach Neil Dougherty.
"Although if I were him, I would also add some Dayton 5 star rims."
Doherty later said that he will support Gooden in whatever decision he makes.
Coach Roy ferent take on the issue.
"It has been a pleasure coaching Drew all these years even though his current ride isn't so tight," said the teary-eyed coach
Gooden
referring to Gooden's 1992 Mercury Sable. "Deep in my heart I always knew there would come a day when I would see that fine young man rolling down Iowa Street in a stretched out 5.0."
Contact Ross at beak@kansan.com.
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you ll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Country Western Bar
BADA BING
BAMBINO'S
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/Bud Lt. Live dancing
*See Club for Details
Live dancing
Live dancing
$3 Martinis
$3 jumbo (32 oz)
Margaritas-Big Screen TV
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
mergeritas
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
Amateur Night Live Dancing
$2 micros and imports
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
CADILLAC RANCH CHILI'S
$1 anything
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
Wells, $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
$2 House Margaritas. $2 Wells
HARBOUR LIGHTS
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws.
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoll drinks
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
JACK FLANIGANS
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
Seafood Menu; 21 and over night
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells.
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
2-For-1 almost anything
$2.50 import bottles
JAYHAWK CAFE
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro be liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2Anything
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers. $2 Boulevard Pints
J. B. STOUTS
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
JET LAG LOUNGE
STU'S
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
YACHT CLUB
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$2 domestic big beers
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2 domestic bottles
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
Glass Night - you keep the Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine glass and get cheap retails is featured with an entree
25c Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.50 well drinks,$2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$1 AlmostAnything, live DJ
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$1.25 16oz draws
$1.50 domestic pints
$3.25 16oz doubles of Long Island Iced Teas and Long Beach Teas
$1.00 almost anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$1.75 domestic big beers
$4 for 48 oz pitchers, $332 oz big
draws, $216 oz draws; $110 oz draw
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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