8B - This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being saturated. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental. - Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelless@kansan.com TONGUEINBEAK WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2002 BRIEFLY SMILE coalition drops Grimace from party Grimace, the famously forlorn McDonald's staff member and purportedly Ronald McDonald's right hand man, was dropped from the SMILE coalition yesterday. Paul Bammel, SMILE coalfire presidential candidate said at a press conference that Grimace, "Just didn't fit with SMILE, because, well, he's not happy." Grimace SMILE coalition members supported the move, but unaffiliated students seemed to take the decision hard. "I didn't even know that there was a SMILE coalition," said Alan Shearer, Newcastle, England sophomore. "But for them to drop a personality like Grimace for reasons that weak is just bloody ridiculous, just hollocks. Let's just say my vote will be going elsewhere." "I am deeply saddened to have been dropped by people whom I considered my friends," he said. "But I wish them the best nonetheless." Grimace could not be reached for comment but released a statement via the McDonald's web page. Grimace added that he will seek consolation from his friend and soulmate The Hamburglar. —C.J. Jackson Easter Bunny laid off following Easter holiday The Easter Bunny became the latest victim of the economic downturn. After returning from his annual Easter route last Sunday, he was rum-maging through mail from children across the world when he uncovered the dredged pink slip. Representatives from the Christian religion cited budget cuts and the salary cap as the impetus for the Easter Bunny's release. The Easter Bunny was the second highest paid employee on Christianity's payroll behind jolly ol' Saint Nick, and renewing his contract may have put the religion over the salary cap for the 2003 holiday season. The future of the Easter Bunny remains uncertain but according to his agent, he already has begun negotiations with representatives from Judaism as possible sidekick to Hanukkah Harry. Next week, the Bunny will pay a visit to Katmandu, Nepal, where he will meet with representatives from Hinduism and Zoroastrianism. Ben Ross INSIDETODAY Baseball star Dwight Gooden tired of everyone calling him Drew, page 3F. Jesus tired of people asking him what he would do, page 1G. OURVIEW After careful consideration, the Tongue in Beak editorial board decided to endorse the Campus Masturbator as the next Student Senate president. This race is important and should not be taken lightly. The Campus Masturbator, a write-in candidate, has the heads-up skills to lead Student Senate, which include egostroking, allocating hard money and padding resumes. He's also got his hands on the issues that matter most to students.
Main issueRecycled ideasSecret weaponHow are they different?Slogan
KUNITEDRugged sovereignty and popular individualism.Yellow bike program is so 1998 Delta Force.Ng's undefeated record in politics and mud wrestling.Well,they really aren't the standard Greek coalition.We're only half greek,just like our name only half makes sense
DELTA FORCERaise GTA salary from a killing wage to a living wage.Delta Force name is so 1997 Delta Force.Fair Trade ganja from Chiapas.Seen those distinctive puff paint sweatshirts? 'Nuf said.Coalition for your spare change.
SMILECreating a "feel good" platform one plank at a time.A joke coalition is so 2000 elections.The fact that about 15 percent of you will vote in the election.Nice try,but the Resume Builders were funny....You're oh candid camera.
VISIONAllow non-student candidates.Not having a president is so Bush 2000 elections.Vision of "Our Matt Steppe of Guadalupe" on tortilla.Not having a president or vice president.Dude,where's my transcript?
CAMPUS MASTURBATORWants fewer blue light phones and more ground-level windows.Trickle-down economics is so Reagan era.Detachable penis.Create Masturbation Resource Center.Cock the Vote!
In our view, the CM's articulate and thoughtful voice will lubricate the gears of government. And frankly, the other candidates just suck. Chuck Norris to speak at Delta Force function by Matt Merkel-Hess Kansan satire editor Chuck Norris, star of Walker, Texas Ranger, and the action films Delta Force and Delta Force 2, will be the guest speaker at Delta Force's annual keger/get out the vote party tonight. Delta Force, a campus political party, was formed on Feb. 9, 1997, as a new Norris was chosen because of his commitment to action and technique rather than violence, said Justin Mills, student body president and last year's Delta Force presidential candidate. "Mr. Norris, through his roles in movies such as The Hitman, Missing in Action, Missing in Action II and Missing in Action III, has always provided inspiration to our activist, left-of-center campus political party," Mills said. "Plus he kicked butt in Return of the Dragon with Bruce Lee." "coalition for change" in Student Senate politics. The coalition was named for the two ass-kicking movies made by Norris in 1986 and 1990. Not all members of the Delta Force Party were satisfied with the choice of Norris as speaker. "Does his work on the Kick Drugs out of America charity mean he doesn't want to cigarette pot?” said Anna Davis, Larned senior. “I’m not cool with that.” A statement from Norris said that he could reprise his role as Col. Scott McCoy, to provide inspiration for the latest crop of Delta Force candidates. Contact Merkel-Hess at mmerkelhess@kansan.com. the latest crop of Delta Force candidates. "Although their win last year was unprecedented, their time has come," Norris said. "Just like in my movies, this Delta Force doesn't negotiate with the competition. It just blows them away." Gore to seek KU Senate Presidency By Brandon Gay Kansan Satire Writer Al Gore has failed in two bids to become the President of the United States, but his presidential aspirations have not ended. Gore, the former Vice President and current house husband, has announced his intention to run for University of Kansas student body president. Gore announced his decision Tuesday at Wescoe Beach. "There is no office I would rather settle for than student body president," Gore told the crowd of four supporters and one guy who thought he was one of those spooky talking wax museum dummies. "I have a very deep love in my heart for KU. Go Blackhawks!" Many political insiders speculated Gore might be cying the up-for-grabs Afghan presidency because of the beard he began to grow. Donna Brazille, Gore's 2000 campaign manager, has denied the claim. "Al initially grew the beard pre-Sept. 11." Brazille said. "The idea was to make him look more like Abe Lincoln. I'll tell you, only Al Gore could try to look like Abe Lincoln and end up looking like Osama bin Laden." Gore said he should be elected student body president because he had invented many cool things college students like, such as the Gore Internet, Jello shots and the catch phrase "gettin' jiggy with it." Gore also has put into motion plans to run for president of his neighborhood watch group and his local chapter of the Neil Diamond fan club. He also is considering an offer to lead a Gore household taskforce against shower mildew. Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special! Weekly Specials Stu's BADA BING **TONIGHT!** $1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing *See Club for Details* Live dancing Live dancing $3 Martinis $1.00 Bud/Bud Lt. Live Dancing Amateur Night Live Dancing $3 jumbo(32 oz) margaritas $2.50 pitchers, $2 wells, retro night/ No cover all night $3 jumbo (32 oz) Blue Margaritas-Big Screen TV $2.50 Bloody Mary's BAMBINO'S $1 big beers & $1 double wells $1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing $2 micros and imports CADILLAC RANCH CHILI'S $1 anything $2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws, $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws. $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wet $1 Bud/Bud Lt. Live dancing $.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters, $2.25 almost anything, 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws, $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells HARBOUR LIGHTS 10 oz. $1 Dom, Draws, $2 House Margaritas. $2 Wells Boulevard Night! $1 Pale Ale pints $1 anything No Cover for Ladies 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws, $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws. $2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells $1.50 Miller High Life bottles, $3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks $9.75 KC Strip dinner $3 Stoli drinks Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its Seafood Menu, 21 and over night JACK FLANIGANS $2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks $1.75 dom.bottles, $3.25 micro bee liters, $3.75 premium liters $1 Bursch & Miller H/L life cues, $1.50 $1 domr draws, $1.50 micro drawings, wells, $2.75 dolls, live music $1.75 premium draws $1.50 big beers, $1.50 wells 10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws, 2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells 1/2 price potato skins $2.75 Long Island Iced Tea $3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls $3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy, $1.50 Mngr's call bottles JAYHAWK CAFE 2-For-1 almost anything $2 imports, $1.50 Capt. Beam & Skyy drinks $2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots! JET LAG LOUNGE STU'S $2.50 Import bottles $1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles J. B. STOUTS SIN Night; $1.50 domestic draws; $1 house shots 1/2 price 12 oz Big Bur- gers. $2 Boulevard Pints Wine & Cheese Night -1 wine is featured with an entree $2 Anything $2.50 Fat Boy domestics 25¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers $2.50 domestic bottles, $3 import bottles $2 16oz draws Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights $2 domestic bottles $1.00 almost anything $1.50 well drinks, $2 pints, $2.25 margaritas $2.75 Boulevard pints $3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain $4 pitchers. $1.50 house shots YACHT CLUB $2.75 Boulevard pints $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint $1.75 domestic bottles. $2.50 micro bottles $3.25 16oz doubles of Long Island Iced Teas and Long Beach Teas $3 pitchers, free burger bar. $1 $10 house shots, live hands $1 Almost Anything, live D $1.25 16oz draws $1.50 domestic pints $2 domestic big beers $1.75 domestic big beers $4 for 48 oz pitchers, $3.32 big saws, $2.16 oz draws, $1.10 oz draw $2 wells, $3 doubles wells $2 all bottles, free pool $1.50 pints, $2.50 Big Ones (25 oz) $2 wells, $3 doubles, 25¢ wings, live music @ 9 pm Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants. JET LAG LOUNGE 1