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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincident.
Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmmerkell@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
BRIEFLY
Bacon bit scare causes disruption at ECM's Veggie Lunch
Veggie Lunch was disrupted Thursday when a shaker of bacon bits was sighted between bottles of salad dressing.
THURSDAY, MARCH 28, 2002
People in line for the lunch of rice, beans and salad were agast at the possibility of meat.
"I just gagged," said Jessica Thorn, Newton sophomore. "I haven't eaten meat in 14 months and now even the sight of it makes me sick."
and now even the sight of Thad Holcombe, minister at Ecumenical Christian Ministries, 1204 Oread Ave., said it took all of his skill to return the lunch to normality.
"The bacon bits were actually soy-based," he said, "so there was no problem."
A closer inspection found that the bits were Ultra-Soy® Imitation Bacon Flavored analog products developed from a textured vegetable protein base to resemble crisp bits of smoked bacon. They are also available in beef, chicken pepperoni, taco and ham flavors.
The bacon bit debacle was not the first meat scare at Veggie Lunch.
seek a vengeful "We still don't know who brought the Chicken in a Bisket last week," Holcombe said. "That was a real breach of security."
Matt Merkel-Hess
Flippant questions about homework tire human sexuality professor
"These wise-ass kids think they're being so clever, like they've uncovered some comedic gem that every other student in my 23-year teaching career has missed — but they, with their Seinfeld-like abilities of observation have somehow managed to exploit for a cheap snicker," he said. "It's ridiculous and incredibly annoying."
William Engle, professor of human sexuality, expressed exasperation yesterday with what he called "unoriginal" student queries about the nature and frequency of homework assignments for his class.
Engle added that inquiries regarding "recommended reading," "in-class demonstrations," "group projects" and a "lab" also were unwelcome and not funny. Equally humorless, Engle said, were unsolicited and predictable student offers to bring to class "relevant videos" or to "tutor the hot girl in pink in the front row all night long, if necessary."
Bill Mayne, Topeka sophomore, disagreed with Enole's assessment.
"I thought it was pretty hilarious when my boy Johnny Knoffler asked Engle if he knew any connections for possible internship opportunities in the field," Mayne said. "But that's nothing compared to the other day in astronomy when he asked the TA, 'Could you show me Uranus?' I thought I was going to freakin' lose my shit."
— Greg Zielinski
INSIDETODAY
- Student shocked that he wasn't the only one to get e-mail from Roy, page 1D
- Tongue in Beak men's swimming poster series to start tomorrow on sports page.
Local surfers disappointed by waves at Wescoe Beach
AARON LEBNER/KANSAN
Melvin Navelslime, Iola sophomore, enjoys riding the asphalt and concrete waves at Wescoe Beach.
By Adrian Zink
Kansan satire writer
For area surfing enthusiasts such as Bradley Gowitzon, Irvine, Calif., freshman, Wescoe Beach is a far cry from the sunny beaches of his native southern California.
"When I was applying to KU, I asked if they had a beach nearby," he said. "They told me about this Wesco Beach, so I decided to come here."
The beach wasn't what Gowitzon expected.
"I mean, the babes and the rays are all right," he said, "but last time I tried to surf I got hit by a bus. It's ridiculous."
Though most surfers at Wescoe Beach prefer traditional beaches with things such as sand and water, a select few, such as Melvin Navelslime, Iola sophomore, have adapted to Wescoe's vices.
"There's a certain rush when surfing here that you can't get anywhere else," he said. "From the moment I push off at the cement until I'm riding the asphalt back to the beach, it's a thrill. Though once my shorts came off, and probably 7,000 people saw it. That was pretty embarrassing."
Most surfers don't feel the way that Navelslime does. A new group, Surfers For the Renaming of Wesco Beach, are upset about being sucked into KU by a bold-faced lie. They plan to unite with student mountain
climbing enthusiasts from around the country who were made to believe that Mt. Oread was "great for rappelling and mountainering."
Contact Zink at beak@kansan.com.
Irritated dad turns car around
By Brad Weiner
Kansan satire writer
In a shocking series of events during spring break, a Lawrence father turned the car around after his children repeatedly quarreled in the back seat.
Sean Miller, 45, a Lawrence waffle iron inspector, warned his children "at least three times" to stop fighting. He said it was a grim and troubling day in their family history.
"The same fighting happens every time we take a road trip," he said. "This time, I was determined to stick to my guns. I told them and they still didn't listen. So I did it."
The move sparked uproar from agencies like AAA, The American Be Nice To Your Kids Foundation and the KU Green Party, whose members didn't have any particular allegiance to the issue but were determined to have their names in the paper.
have them in the paper.
Miller said the family was only 100 miles from their vacation spot in Branson, Mo., when he turned around the family's aging Dodge Aries station wagon.
"I even had tickets for a Dolly Parton impersonator," he said.
KIMBERLY THOMPSON/KANSAN
Miller said he did not regret his decision
Sean Miller, Lawrence father, gives a third and final warning to his children before turning the family car around during a spring break trip to Branson, Mo.
"In our world, kids need to respect their parents and I felt like this was the right thing to do," he said.
Miller's wife and children could not be reached for comment but are assumed to be pissed off.
Contact Weiner at beak@kansan.com
Area business actually has good TV commercial
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
Other local businesses are in awe and local TV viewers are in shock. No other business in Lawrence has an ad on air that has not made viewers turn away in disgust.
Stan's Chicken Stand, 666 Wakarusa Drive, broke new ground in the local business community by airing a television commercial that was actually good.
The good qualities of the Stan's Chicken Stand ad were easily identified by Andrew Siv, ad specialist at Young and Rubicam, Kansas City, Mo.
"This ad informs the consumers about the product in a tidy manner without resorting to silly mimmicks or a cheesy shot of the owner," he said. "It may not be the best commercial I've ever seen, but it makes that chicken look so good."
Local business owners, even those who aren't in the chicken business, are baffled and a little upset at the new ad. Clint Madden, owner of Hot Coals Bar-B-Q, 4001 23rd St, is now considering pulling the ad he runs because he is so embarrassed by its low-brow quality.
He also doesn't want to have the worst commercials in town.
"Like most other business owners in Lawrence, I just went to an ad agency and told them to make me something cheap and dirty," he said. "I just wanted some on-air exposure. But I accepted the fact that, since this is Lawrence, the ad is going to really suck."
Brandon Brown, Leavenworth junior, watches eight to 10 hours of television a day and likes the Stan's ads.
"At least Stan's doesn't have bad acting, poor video quality or some stupid premise that's supposed to funny but isn't," he said. "Usually when I see a local commercial, I just want to throw a beer can or bowl of chips at the TV."
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Stu's
LAWRENCE since 1919
Country Western Bar
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/Bud Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details
BADA BING
Live dancing
Live dancing
$3 Martinis
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Blue Margartas-Big Screen TV
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
BAMBINO'S
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$2 micros and imports
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
CADILLAC RANCH CHILI'S
$1 anything
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale nints
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws;
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
$ .75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
HARBOUR LIGHTS
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
No Cover for Ladies
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50 wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
JACK FLANIGANS
JAYHAWK CAFE
J.B. STOUTS
JET LAG LOUNGE
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
10 oz. $1 Dom. Draws,
$2 House Margaritas, $2 Wells
2-For-1 almost anything
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2.50 Import bottles
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
$2 Anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$2 domestic bottles
JET LAG LOUNGE STU'S
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2 domestic big beers
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
$4 pitchers.
$1.50 house shots
YACHT CLUB
$4.75 doubles, live DJ,
$2.50 wells
$2.75 Boulevard pints
!5¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
Wine & Cheese Night- 1 wine is featured with an entree
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$1.50 domestic pints
$1.75 domestic bottles.
$2.50 micro bottles
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$1.25 16oz draws
$3.25 16oz doubles of Long Island Iced Teas and Long Beach Teas
$1.00 almost anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.75 domestic big beers
$4 for 48 oz pitchers, $3 32 oz big
aws, $2 16 oz draws, $1 10 oz draw
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25¢
wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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