8B
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelhess@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, MARCH 14, 2002
WESCOE FORECAST
Still ugly, with a 96 percent chance of gettinguglier.
BRIEFLY
Folgers unexpectedly wins Lawrence Coffee War
The months-long, uninteresting battle of words and slap-fights between the pro and anticorporate coffee shop camps came to an end when word got out last week that people could buy coffee at the grocery store for much cheaper and drink it at home. This saves the time and money it takes to frequent a coffee shop. Many avid coffee-drinkers, including Mikey LeBlankzin, Lawrence sophomore, have switched to 'homemade' coffees such as Folders.
"I bought this thing called a 'coffee machine' and then some Folgers, and I've saved, like, 95 dollars in the last week." LeBlankzin said. "I wish someone would've told us about this earlier."
Coffee shop attendance plummeted after the news spread through the much-intertwined coffee crowd. Starbucks, 641 Massachusetts St., the root of the whole protest, and every other coffee shop in town closed their doors yesterday.
"I guess the scam is over. Damn!" said Ted Berglund, owner of Jaba's Java, 504 Hawaii St.
"We made a killing off of these fools for years. Guess I could always sell bottled water. People always fall for that one."
ByAdrian Zink
Student protected underground in case of national tragedy
Attorney General John Ashcroft's latest round of anti-terrorism measures called for Becky Brawnstein, Kansas City, Mo., junior and "really hot babe," to be moved to an undisclosed underground location. Ashcroft said this action was necessary so that in the event of a national tragedy, one hot college chick could still expose her breasts on camera during spring break.
"We must preserve our nation's precious spring break traditions," Ashcroft said. "Make no mistake, we will defend tooplast women wher ever tooplast women are threatened, but we can never be too careful. The people of America can rest assured that their government is protecting their interests."
Brawnson, McPherson junior, was surprised to be selected, but ready to serve her country.
"I am just overwhelmed," Brawnson said. "I love my country and will do my patriotic duty. This is an incredible day for me. My mom hasn't stopped crying since I told her the news. God bless this great nation and its exposed breasts."
Brandon Gay
INSIDETODAY
- Ken Stoner 'smokes' Al Bohl in pickup basketball game, page 1D
- KU boasts lowest professor-to bureaucrat ratio in Big 12, page 7J
- Canoe tipped over in wake of Sept. 11, page 2F
- KU Objectivists still objectionable, page 3D
Deadhead killed by tape collection
By Brad Weiner Kansan satire writer
SAN FRANCISCO — Grateful Dead fans everywhere were saddened by the death of Sunny Moonflower, a 45-year-old fan who was crushed by the weight of his own tape collection last Thursday.
According to the police report, neighbors in his apartment complex heard a loud crash and then nothing at all.
"I heard a loud crash and then nothing at all," said Sarah Bienvenidos, a Bay Area demolition expert. When the body was discovered a few hours later by friends who had come by to "rip the bong," they found their friend suffocated underneath a pile of Grateful Dead tapes.
The now defunct band allowed their audience members to record concerts, and some fans amassed enormous collections. Moonflower's collection was said to be anywhere between "gnarly" and "kick-ass."
"The thing that gets me," said a crying friend who wanted to remain anonymous, "is that the tape lodged in his throat was a killer show from .75. Jerry (Garcia) played some mindmelters that
The tragedy sparked political finger-pointing in Washington, D.C. Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., dressed entirely in black, said, "The death of Sunny Moonflower must not go unnoticed. We need to legislate against any further media related injuries."
night, Sunny would have been glad to suffocate on that show."
The comment loosely referred to the Boston area child who got his tongue stuck in a DVD player two weeks ago.
Moonflower's funeral was celebrated with a traditional hippie farewell of bongo drumming and tie-dye flags in the streets of San Francisco. Mayor Willie L. Brown Jr. decided not to declare a city holiday because "he was a dumb ass who got killed by his tapes. What do you want from me? A statue?"
Deadheads everywhere tried to get on with their lives by returning to work Friday. Moonflower's longtime pizza delivery man, who goes by the name Puck, said, "It is sad that he won't order any more vegan pies or soy-based Pepsi, but I have to move on. People still get the munchies."
Contact Weiner at beak@kansan.com
KIMBERLY THOMPSON/KANSAN
Sunny Moonflower, 45, San Francisco, was crushed to death last Thursday by the weight of his Grateful Dead tape collection. A "killer show" from 1975 was found in his throat.
Budget spring break tips
Tonque in Beak presents
By Greg Zielinski Kansan satire writer
Instead of that expensive trip to Mexico, enjoy the same experience from your living room by simply filling your beer hat with Coronas, sitting really close to the TV screen and watching Univision.
You could try one of those Alternative Spring Breaks where you pay money to dig holes and pick up trash, but why not do all that stuff for free with the added thrill of getting arrested first?
Have you heard of the book Vacations for Less where they tell you how to travel across Europe for less than $500? Well, reading that might be a fun, inexpensive way to pass the time.
■ "When your room looks kinda weird, and you wish that you weren't there, just close your eyes, and make-believe, and you can be anywhere." — The Muppet Babies.
If the movie Crossroads has taught us anything, it's that you can have a great time renewing old friendships and learning life lessons on a cross-country road trip at no cost and with nothing but a heart full of dreams and a ride from your handsome friend in his '73 Buick. However, if you want to make pointless, crappy movies without using any acting skill, you're
going to need a dynamite body.
- Skiing in Colorado, while exciting, can cost several hundred dollars. It will only cost about $10, though, for a week's supply of York Peppermint Patties.
Going home for break can be just as much fun as any expensive college vacation package. Simply convince your family to move to a bar in Acapulco.
How much different could Amsterdam, Netherlands be from Amsterdam, Ga.?
For a cheap thrill here in Lawrence, get in your car, release the parking brake and see where your vacation" takes you.
As Meghan Bainum said, one can still have a great spring break without palm trees. However, palms will probably be an indispensable part of your break since you are the campus masturbator.
Vacations are overrated. Staying in Lawrence will allow you to accomplish a lot of things you can't find time for during school. Stuff like loneliness, boredom and self-loathing...
- To go in search of buried treasure, turn to page 26. To follow the pirate ship instead, go to page 34.
Contact Zielinski at beak@kansan.com.
Engineering star to skip senior year, go pro
By Andy Marso
Kansan satire writer
KU engineering fans were shocked yesterday when Dennis Woznielson, Larned junior, announced he would leave the University of Kansas at the end of this year to join the professional engineering ranks.
Heavily recruited out of high school, Woznielson has been a vital member of the University of Kansas engineering department and numerous engineering clubs during the past three years.
"I'll be really sad to see him go," said Deborah Gagliard, Hays junior. "We all knew he was incredibly talented, but we were hoping he'd stay for his senior year and refine his skills."
Woznielson, however, said he is ready for the pros.
"I've had several companies tell me that if I come out this year I'll be one of their top five picks," he said. "I guess it would be kind of nice to have a degree, but other than that, I don't really see the value in another year of school."
Hopes for Woznielson's return were high just last week. After turning in a truly extraordinary performance on his
midterm project, Woznielson was met by a throng of adoring engineering fans who chanted "One more year, one more year."
While he acknowledged that he would miss the support of the KU engineering faithful,
Woznielson could not turn down the financial jackpot of turning pro.
"I'm going to start out at $40,000 a y e a r , " Woznielson said. "How many people.
Woznielson
if put in my position, could put off that amount of money just to finish school?"
When asked about his star engineer's early exit, Chancellor Robert Hemenway was confused, "I'm not sure just who this Woznielm kid is," Hemenway said, "but if he's really making 40 G's next year we'll be sure to get him on the alumni donations mailing list."
Contact Marso at beak@kansan.com.
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you ll never miss a special!
Stu's
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
*See Club for Details*
BADA BING
$3 Martinis
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
BAMBINO'S
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
$2 micros and imports
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night'
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$1 anything
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
JACK FLANIGANS
JAYHAWK CAFE
J.B. STOUTS
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$9.75 KC Strip dinner $3 Stoli drinks
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$2.50 Import bottles
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
2-For-1 almost anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$2 Anything
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
JET LAG LOUNGE STU'S
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt.
Beam & Skyy drinks
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2 domestic bottles
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
$216oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
1/2 price 12 oz Big Bur-
gers. $2 Boulevard Pints
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$1.50 domestic pints
STU'S
25¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$3,25 16oz doubles of Long Island Iced Teas and Long Beach Teas
$1.00 almost anything
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$4 for 48 oz pitchers, $3.32 oz big
aws, $2.16 oz draws, $1.10 oz draw
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.