8B
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelhess@kansan.com.
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, MARCH 7, 2002
WESCOE FORECAST
Ugly with a 70 percent chance of getting uglier.
BRIEFLY
In wake of Sept. 11, apples equal oranges, possibly bananas too
For Steve Jones, manager at Dillons, 1015 W. 23rd St., Sept. 11 changed his life forever.
As far as I'm concerned, apples can be compared to oranges now. Life means so much more. Why be tied down by the physics of fruit?"
"Dude, it's like, so awesome," said Duffy Duzedelezo, Lawrence sophomore and Dillon's regular. "He's not just limiting it to apples and oranges. I did some asking around, and I'll be able to get like, six bananas for the same price as an orange. It's a bargain bonanza for fruit shoppers."
the last thing he changes,
"This might just be the first step. Who
knows?" he said. "If it seems to be the right
thing, maybe I will extend this beyond fruit, and
begin to look at beverages, and maybe even beef
and seafood someday."
Jones was pleased that his new policy was making customers happy and said it may not be the last thing he changes.
-C.J. Jackson
Final Internet dot com domain used dot dot and dot dash implemented
Officials learned yesterday that the last possible Internet dot com name had been used. The domain finding service buythisdomainrightnowbeforesebodyelsegetsit.com said that every combination in the English language was taken.
The news sent shockwaves through the Internet marketplace while domain brokers tried desperately to get their clients set up with proper names.
"I thought we had it in the bag, but apparently asphyxiatedgrandpas.com was taken." said Tom Carvington, an Internet names sales rep. "So were a bunch of others that I promised to clients, like mildewremovalforsex.com, grouppopcom, and enron.com, along with a few others I am not at liberty to tell."
Fears were quickly dispelled when the market opened up to non ".com" possibilities. Because of increased Internet traffic, there are options that will now follow the dot like "dot dot," "dot dash" and "dash dot dot dash dot dot dot.net."
Brad Weiner
INSIDETODAY
- Student Ghetto ghetto, page 1D
- City ordinance 315 to prevent leasing to "goddamn hippies," page 1X
- Ol' Dirty Bastard to take shower, will now be known as Ol' Bastard, page 3H
Trafficway to run through campus
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
The controversial issue of completing the South Lawrence Trafficway through the Baker Wetlands has been resolved. Chancellor Robert Hemenway has agreed to let the Kansas Department of Transportation put the trafficway through the University of Kansas' Lawrence campus.
city of Kansas - Lawrence
The proposed route puts the trafficway entering campus on 13th Street, following Jayhawk Boulevard, then going past the Chi Omega Fountain, down Naismith Drive, up to Daisy Hill and off campus somewhere near the Lied Center.
Hemenway said he approved the route because, "KDOT is giving us a buttload of money."
Mike Rees, KDOT spokesman, said he was pleased that the traffway will finally move forward. The western nine miles of the roadway, completed in 1996, end on south Iowa Street.
"We really painted ourselves into a corner when we found our proposed route went right through wetlands that are not only ecologically very fragile,
but very sacred to Native Americans," he said. "We thought 'We can't just give up now, we only have half a road. What kind of morons just build half a road?'"
road? Rees said he hoped Haskell Indian Nations University officials, members of the Sierra Club and local "wetland wackos" would see the embarrassing situation KDOT was in.
If we don't finish that road, we'll be the laughing stock of every other department of transportation in the country." he said. "Believe me, Missouri DOT would never let us hear the end of it."
So far, student reaction to the trafficway has been positive.
John Docker, Lenexa sophomore, said the new road would be an improvement.
"It will be great if I ever want to go straight from I-435 to Clinton Lake, or get on I-70 via K-10 without having to meander through Lawrence," he said. "I mean, I never do those things, but I'm glad to know that I could if I wanted to now."
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
The University of Kansas and the Kansas Department of Transportation have reached an agreement on the final route of the South Lawrence Trafficway. The trafficway will now run through the KU campus.
New SLT alignment
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEN ROSS/KANSASAM
Allen to lead new team in 2002
MATT MERKEL-HESS/KANSAN
Bv Ben Ross
Kansan satire writer
Former Kansas football coach Terry Allen has stepped down from his new position as an assistant at Iowa State to become the latest team leader at Kentucky Fried Chicken, 658 W.23rd St.
Allen's responsibilities will include recruiting new team members, working the drive-through window and overseeing the production of the hot and spicy crispy strips.
A man impersonating Colonel Sanders said, "We knew that there was a cornucopia of talent out there in the retail fried chicken processing field. We feel that Terry is the best fit for this new position."
Former football coach Terry Allen has turned down a job at Iowa State to become a team leader at KFC.
Allen will have a press conference today in the KFC main dining room to officially announce his new position and formally introduce new assistant team leader Tom Hayes.
Although details of his contract have not been disclosed, sources close to the hiring process have reported that it runs through spring 2003 and is worth up to $8.75 per hour. Other stipulations of the contract provide for a 20 percent employee discount and a free employee uniform including a name tag that reads "Terry: Team member since 2002."
Allen has set high goals for the 2002 fiscal year including a repeat of last year's third place finish in the "King of the KFC's Customer Service Award" in the Lawrence-Eudora district. Allen's new team will include veterans such as
fourth-year returning cashier Jannie Miller and standout drive-through attendant Spencer Thomas.
Thus far, response has been good. Allen already has received an oral commitment from a 6-foot-1 shift manager from Waco, Texas, by the name of Mario Kinsey.
attendant Spencer Hawkson However, several spots on the roster have yet to be filled. Allen began his recruitment process by placing a large "Help Wanted" sign next to the cash register and submitting an ad in this week's Hawk Sheet urging interested people to join his team.
Contact Ross at beak@kansan.com.
Ice accepts 'Grammy' at Airport Motel
By Brandon Gay and C.J. Jackson Kansan satire writers
Ten years of declining name recognition, ridicule and failed comeback attempts would depress some forgotten rap stars.
Rut not Vanilla Ice.
Rob VanWinkle, the "Ice, Ice Baby," attempted to rejuvenate his career as Vanilla Ice last month in Lawrence with a performance at Abe and Jake's Landing. 8 E. Sixth St. An estimated 1,000 people attended the performance, but only 24 remembered Vanilla Ice; most thought they were there to "sample a new alcoholic beverage."
VanWinkle was so impressed with his performance that when he returned to the Airport Motel, 1493 Highway 40, he pretended to receive a phone call from his agent, who told him he had been nominated for a Grammy.
Much to his surprise, he accepted the award for Comeback Artist of the Year in front of his bathroom mirror the next night.
Vanilla Ice clutched his "award," a bottle of Head and Shoulders, and began to weep.
"This makes all my years of hard work worthwhile," he told the audience of mouth wash, toothpaste and shaving lotion.
"I was very moved," said Sarah
Alderson, an Airport Motel maid who overheard the speech. "I think that was exactly the kind of speech that millions of people would have loved to hear."
Vanilla Ice's return also inspired Bruno Sanmartino, Torino, Italy, sophomore, who decided to take up rapping.
"I'm so inspired now," Sanmartino said. "And I've got a new name — either the Italian Ice or The Notorious G.E.L.A.T.O."
Sanmartino said he used to be just another whack MC with an axe to grind, but Vanilla Ice gave him a new vision.
"He's so fly and his rhymes are so well thought out," he said. "Flow like a hawk/ daily and nightly.' If I should ever be so ill."
Maria Convescas, Hutchison junior and Sanmartino's girlfriend of two days, concurred.
"Vanilla is like, so packed with flavor, I wanna, like, lick him," she said. "Plus, since Bruno went to the show he's been like, 10 percent more ghetto fabulous."
Sanmartino said ice's appearance sealed his fate as a rapper.
"I hope in 10 years, when I'm a washed-up rapper, I'll still be able to draw a crowd just on novelty value," he said.
Contact Gay or Jackson at beak@kansan.com.
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Stu's
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details"
BADA BING
FRIDAY Live dancing
BAMBINO'S CADILLAC RANCH HARBOUR LIGHTS JACK ELANIGANS
$3 Martinis
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
Live dancing
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$ . 75 draws, $1. 50 dom liters,
$2. 25 almost anything,
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
$2 micros and imports
JACK FLANIGANS
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$1 anything
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
JAYHAWK CAFE
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$2.50 Import bottles
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
J.B. STOUTS
JET LAG LOUNGE
STU'S
YACHT CLUB
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life can, $1.50 wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
z-For-1 almost anything
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro bee liters,$3.75 premium liters
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
$2 Anything
Wine & Cheese Night- 1 wine is featured with an entree
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$2 domestic bottles
$216oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$4.75 doubles, live DJ,
$2.50 walls
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
25¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$1.00 almost anything
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$1.75 domestic bottles.
$2.50 micro bottles
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$1.25 16oz draws
$3.25 16oz double of Long Island
lacd Teas and Long Beach Teas
draws, $4 for 48 oz pitchers, $32 12 oz
lacd Teas and Long Beach Teas
draws, $12 16 oz draws, $11 10 oz draw
$2 wells. $3 doubles wells
$1.75 domestic big beers
$2 domestic big beers
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pins,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c
wives, live @ 9pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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Country Western Bar