8B
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkell@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2002
BRIEFLY
Campus masturbator breaks rib, sues University for workman's comp
The University of Kansas received a formal lawsuit this week from the infamous "Campus Masturbator," who in past years has been spotted working outside of sorority's windows.
According to the suit, he was working one night at Chi Omega, 1345 W. Campus Road, iris
KU officials are planning to challenge the case in court because his penis and arms were not injured.
"He hurt his ribs," said Chancellor Hemenway, "It isn't like he can't keep working on our campus."
Brad Weiner
Bohl discovers that Kansas women's swim team exists
After six successful months as athletics director at the University of Kansas, Al Bohl can now add another item to his long list of accomplishments.
Tuesday morning at 7:34 a.m., Bohl inadvertently discovered that the University had a women's swimming team. Bohl, who claims that he gets most of his information about Kansas athletics from The University Daily Kansan, made the discovery as he read an old memo.
Bohl
The memo, which was sent from members of the
athletic staff in response to the construction of KU's new athletics center, contained the signatures of several of the athletic staff. One of the signatures was that of Cathy Burgess, women's swimming coach.
"Well I'll be damned," said a slightly disjointed Bohl. "A women's swimming team, now ain't that something."
At press time, Bohl was still unaware of the men's tennis team, women's golf squad, and remained slightly confused as to whether the cross-country team consisted of skiers or runners.
new shuttle bus to carry students from Naismith to Robinson
Plans are in the work for a new shuttle to transport weary students between Naismith Hall and Robinson Center.
The project is slated to begin in May and will cost an estimated $2.7 million per year. The goal of the shuttle is to alleviate the pain and agony involved in transporting Naismith Hall residents to and from Robinson.
Michael Greenberg, Highland Park, Ill., freshman, said the new shuttle would be a great benefit to students.
"That drive to Robinson was putting way too many miles on my Audi," he said.
Brooke Johanson, Edina, Minn., freshman, agreed.
"That walk from Naismith to Robinson is soooo long," she said. "That's valuable time I could be spending at the tanning beds."
Ben Ross
By Adrian Zink
Kansan satire writer
State and federal agents stormed Ellsworth Hall yesterday after hearing reports of Anthrax and Poison stashed in a student's closet.
Anthrax. Poison confiscated from closet
Phil Beatitman, a Kansas Bureau of Investigation detective, described the scene as "horrific."
"It ituns out the rumors were true," he said. "We sent in the dangerous materials-handling squad, and they brought out two albums by the metal band Anthrax and a Poison CD. I knew kids were terrible these days, but this is simply sick. In these days of crisis, America's youth needs to be warned of the dangers of Poison and Anthrax."
Poison's pathetic attempts at rock and sappy ballads such as "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" that are known worldwide for their ability to suck. Anthrax began as a government experiment to weed out fools in society by tracking people who bought albums, and deporting them to Europe.
But if KBI reports are true, it appears Anthrax is still floating around. Some Anthrax songs ended up on Napster, which was shut down due to fears that Anthrax would spread. Beatitman said.
"Now it looks like there's two less Anthrax CDs
Phil Beatitman Kansas Bureau of Investigation
"In these days of crisis America's youth needs to be warned of the dangers of Poison and Anthrax."
that could fall into our children's hands," he said. "And that Poison shouldn't be handled by anyone. We're think this junk will be mopped soon."
Federal authorities are still working on expelling traces of other music pollution such as Fleetwood Mac, Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park.
John Stammish, public information officer for the FBI's Kansas City bureau, said Limp Bizkit was "almost" under control in the area.
"After capturing Wes Borland, and making it look like he left the group, we can nab the fools who show up for replacement tryouts," Stammish said. "Pure genius strategy, I'd say."
If you have information about musical pollution, call the FBI hotline at 1-800-CRAPFLUSH
AARON LERNER/KANSAN
Contact Zink at boak@kansan.com
Above, the Anthrax and Poison that was found stuffed in a closet in Ellsworth Hall. Agents from the Kansas Bureau of Investigation found the toxins.
Nintendo grants Tyson license to box
By Greg Zielinski Kansan satire writer
In a surprising move last week, Nintendo granted a license to boxer Mike Tyson, permitting him to fight on the 16-bit Super Nintendo format.
Tyson's only previous license was with the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System, which he has held since 1987.
The new agreement with Nintendo created speculation that a possible bout with heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis could occur as early as June. Also in the works for Tyson is a possible fight with the diminutive, pixilated challenger "Little Mac," scheduled for later this week on the gaming console of Bill Donaldson. Wichita sophomore.
The statuses of both matches remains uncertain.
Lewis' contract does not approve the 16-bit format as a fight venue, although his camp is expected to approve the change within a week. Tyson's fight with Little Mac is less certain, as the challenger must first defeat a string of opponents including Glass Joe, Piston Honda, King Hippo, Bald Bull and Super Macho Man, each with a uniquely devastating punch attack and each more difficult than the last.
Mike Tyson, top, and challenger Little Mac, with his coach.
Anonymous sources said that Donaldson could possess a code that would
qualify Little Mac immediately for the fight with Tyson, though at press time he said he thought that he would "probably just go out drinking instead."
Contact Zielinski at beak@kansan.com.
Donated edible underwear inundates Salvation Army
By Brandon Gay Kansan satire writer
The Lawrence chapter of the Salvation Army has called its supply of leftover Valentine's Day Edible underwear "excessive" and has asked students to stop donating the sticky style of lingerie.
A Feb. 14 The University Daily Kansan article urging KU students to purchase edible underwear as a special Valentine's Day treat led to a few nights of passion and countless screams of "Oooh!" "Gross!" and "Get out of my house! NOW!"
Richard Osburn, owner of Naughty But Nice, 1741 Massachusetts St., said that students recently purchased about 600 pairs of edible underwear. To date, 587 pairs have been donated to The Salvation Army.
well," said Capt. Susan Cane, of the Lawrence Salvation Army. "However, we are asking that students please cease to donate pink champagne briefs and forbidden fruit bras. We also have enough pina colada panties to last us quite some time — unless Ted Kennedy moves to the area — but I don't think that's going to happen."
"I'm sure the students mean
Cane said 587 pairs of undies was an excessive amount because edible underwear was "just one of those things people feel more comfortable purchasing new.
"We did give one pair to an elderly grandmother," Cane said. "But that pair was later returned when the lady's grandchildren complained that the fruit roll-ups tasted funny."
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com.
INSIDETODAY
nominated, page 1D
- Pakistan boycotts Grammys after India.Arie is arrested once 1P
- Bush says war against evil must be expanded to include telemarketers, page 4H
- Carlos O'Kellys rated best Irish-Mexican restaurant in Lawrence, page 1A
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Stu's
LAWRENCE since 1919
BADA BING
$1 Bud/Bud Lt. Live dancing
*See Club for Details
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
BAMBINO'S
Amateur Night Live Dancing
$3 Martinis
Live dancing
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$2 micros and imports
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
CADILLAC RANCH
JACK FLANIGANS
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$1 anything
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2.50 Import bottles
JAYHAWK CAFE
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
J. B. STOUTS
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
1/2 price potato skins $2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
JET LAG LOUNGE
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 cal drinks, $4 double calls
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life can, $1.50
$1 dolm draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$2.75 dollars, live music
$1.75 premium draws
$2 domestic bottles
2-For-1 almost anything
$2 Anything
$2.5 Boulevard pints
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers. $2 Boulevard Pints
25c Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$2 domestic big beers
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
STU'S YACHT CLUB
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2.75 Boulevard pins
$4.75 doubles, live DJ,
$2.50 wells
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$1.00 almost anything
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$1.2516oz draws
$1.50 domestic pints
$1.75 domestic big beers
$3.25 160z doubles of Long Island      $4 for 18 oz pitchers, $32 1z
load Teas and Long Beach Teas       $2.16 oz draw, $1.10 oz draw
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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