6B
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being saturated. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelhess@kanan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2002
BRIEFLY
Allen Fieldhouse to be razed to make room for scholarship halls
The Kansas Board of Regents approved a plan yesterday that will pave the way for the destruction of Phog Allen Fieldhouse to make room for two new scholarship halls.
Ken Stoner, director of student housing, said the razing was not a problem despite Allen Fieldhouse being located within 500 feet of buildings on the National Registry of Historic Places.
"The fieldhouse is not on the list," he said,
"thus it has no historical significance whatsoever."
The Department of Student Housing expects the new scholarship halls to be completed by August 2004, and they will house about 50 residents each.
Ben Ross
Local merchants prepare for arrival of K-State fans, stock belt buckles
Lawrence merchants are preparing for the influx of fans for the upcoming Kansas basketball game with K-State because Wildcat fans coming to town means big profits.
"Those goat ropers buy everything," said Matthew Scott, Wal-Mart manager. "We always sell lots of hats and cowboy boots."
Western-wear sales skyrocketed last year during the home game against their in-state rivals
"We ran out of big belt buckles last year so we're ordering extras," Scott said.
Western wear is not the only hot commodity when Manhattan residents are in town.
"We're making sure we're well stocked with George Strait and Dixie Chicks CDs" said Margie Norton, an employee at Hastings. "We're also putting all of our John Wayne videos on sale those backwater bumpins should love that."
— Joshua Carmichael
Pirate house parrot calls it quits after one week on job
Polly, the generically named Parrot at the Pirate House, has decided to leave the establishment after only seven days of service.
"It was a complete misunderstanding" Polly said 10 times in a row very loudly. "I totally had something else in mind. I expected, you know, the high seas, sitting on a guy's shoulder, squawking at the sight of land for my peg-legged boss. But no, it's just a bunch of college kids with a big party house."
Polly plans on working at Long John Silver's until she decides what to do next.
Adrian Zink
INSIDETODAY
Bush resigns after misunderstanding word
in case of secret order
■ Surgeon General: "If we are what we eat, American's are cheap, fat and easy," page 21.
Playboy survey finds America a besides that, doing OK, page 31
- HDLF student learns to tie shoes, earn
  cookie, name 1F
New athletic facility to offer amenities such as air conditioning, lockers, page 1E
Lost J. Crew catalog stuns student
Sarah Harness has flipped through all 327 past issues of her favorite catalog — but that won't bring her missing Spring 2002 J. Crew edition to her doorstep.
By Mandalee Meisner Kansan satire writer
"At first, I couldn't believe it," said the Overland Park junior, sobbing and clutching a merino wool sweater purchased from the Winter 2001 collection. "Sure, I realized it was nearly two weeks late, but deep in my heart I believed it would still come."
Unfortunately, it didn't—and never will.
In a curious mix-up that still baffles authorities, Harness' mail was exchanged with that of Lawrence resident Warren G. Bleeber of 2511 Kentucky St.
Geographie magazine.
"It had some pretty pictures," Harness said, "but you can't buy pretty birds or even monkeys to fill that deep hole inside you—you know, the one that needs stone-washed denim."
Kentucky B in place of the latest J. Crew edition, Harness, who lives at 1152 Kentucky St., received National Geographic magazine.
seems stone washered. When Harness received the wrong mail, she failed to notice Bleeber's name on the label. She didn't contact authorities until two weeks later
"We've handled situations of missing catalogs before—Banana Republic and Eddie Bauer, for example," said Lawrence police Sgt. Bill Briton. "This was our firstJ. Crew case."
After a thorough search of the premises and an anonymous lead, police found the catalog at Bleebers residence. There, several clues pointed to a gruesome and horrific chain of events.
"It appears that Mr. Bleeber failed to read the address label as well," said a visibly shaken Lawrence Police Det. Gary Plower said. "And then he forced the catalog, against its will, to be read in his bathroom."
The catalog was found wrinkled and barely recognizable in a basket by Bleeber's toilet. Realizing the tarnished appearance of the catalog would just cause more grief for Harness, authorities decided to throw it away.
Bleeber said in a statement that his actions were the result of "the desperation of a man missing his daily john read."
Harness plans to file charges against Bleeber sometime this month. But until then, she's left with the grief and confusion of someone unjustly made to suffer.
"When I found out the truth, I wanted to die," Harness said. "To think of the many years I've wasted keeping up with the latest strappy-mule fashions, building up my wardrobe to unprecedented heights. Now it's all ruined because I'm forced to wear last season's mules. It's just, like, wrong."
KIMBERLY THOMPSON/KANSAN
Contact Meisner at beak@kansan.com
Sarah Harness, Overland Park junior, sits among past J. Crew catalogs and stares in disgust at her Winter 2001 catalog. She has yet to receive her Spring 2002 catalog because of a nasty mail mix-up.
Guy thinks it's really cool that his girlfriend is named 'Layla'
By Joe Stephenson Kansan satire writer
Chuck Dwight, Ottawa sophomore, has been telling friends and family how "unbelievably cool" it has been since he started dating Layla Price, Great Bend freshman, six weeks ago.
"I sometimes can't believe I am dating a girl that shares her name with one of the best rock songs ever." Dwight said.
"The 1970 hit 'Layla' was written by Eric Clapin when he was with Derek and the Dominos.
KIMBERLY THOMPSON/KANSAN
"Layla is one of those songs you just have to turn up whenever it comes on," Dwight said, "I mean, it just rocks."
Dwight then went on to sing the name 'Layla' in an attempt to match Clapton's style.
Price said she was tired of Dwight singing her name.
"Like I haven't heard that before," she said. "How would he like it if his name was from a rock song?"
Chuck Dwight, Ottawa sophomore, points out an Eric Clapton CD to his girlfriend, Layla Price, Great Bend freshman. Dwight said it was "awesome" that his girlfriend was named after a song. Price said she wasn't as thrilled.
Price suggested Dwight should change his name to Jessie, Mickey or even P. Diddy.
"He's so fine, so Mickey would be a good name for him," she said.
When asked about the long-term prospects of their relationship, Dwight said he might not have asked her out if she hadn't been named Layla.
"When I found out that her name was Layla, had to ask her out because I really like the song."
he said.
Dwight said he was actually more of a Springsteen fan amwvay.
"To be real honest," he said. "I'm holding out for a girl named Sandy or Rosalita."
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
Congress says MU shredded Lay's diploma
By Brandon Gay Kansan satire writer
A congressional probe into the University of Missouri revealed what appears to be a cover-up of the educational background of former Enron CEO Ken Lav.
According to a congressional report, Mizzou officials confiscated Lay's diplomas and shredded the documents.
Previous reports indicated that Lay, who grew up in rural northwest Missouri and in Colombia, Mo., graduated as Phi Beta Kappa at Missouri in 1964 with a bachelor's degree in economics and in 1965 with a master's degree in economics.
But now, the documents have disappeared.
Mizzou Chancellor Richard Wallace denied the alleged shredding.
"Not only did we not shred any diplomas —
Lav never attended this university," Wallace said.
Missouri officials have also apparently worked to cover up the $1.1 million the Ken Lay Family Foundation donated in 1999 to endow a chair of international economics.
"What chair? I don't know anything about that," Wallace said. "Well, they do have some nice BarcaLoungers in the economics department."
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Stu's
LAWRENCE since 1919
BADA BING
BAMBINO'S
$3 Martinis
Live dancing
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$1 big beers &
$1 double wells
Live dancing
$3 umbo(32 oz)
margarita
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
CADILLAC RANCH
HARBOUR LIGHTS
$2 micros and imports
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
JACK FLANIGANS
JAYHAWK CAFE
$1 anything
Seafood Menu,
21 and over night
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$1.50 big beers.
$1.50 wells
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
JAYHAWK CAFE
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$2.50 Import bottles
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
J. B. STOUTS
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50
walls, $2.75 doubles, live music
2-For-1 almost anything
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$1.75 dom, bottles, $3.25 micro bee liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call
drinks, $4 double calls
JET LAG LOUNGE
$2 Anything
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
$4 pitchers.
$1.50 house shots
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
(IN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
Wine & Cheese Night -1 wine is featured with an entree
25c Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2.50 domestic bottles.
$3 import bottles
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$2 domestic bottles
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$3 pitchers, free burger bar,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
STU'S YACHT CLUB
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.75 domestic bottles.
$2.50 micro bottles
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$1.50 domestic pints
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$4.75 doubles, live DJ,
$2.50 walls
$1.25 16oz draws
3.25 IQ doubles of Long Island
Toast and Long Beach Teas
draws, $4 for 16 oz picture, $32 oz bag
toast and $16 oz beach tea, $16 oz bag
toast
$1.75 domestic big beers
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c
wings, live music @ 9 pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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Country Western Bar