8B
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkellness@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14,2002
BRIEFLY
Olympic Committee rules out Lawrence for 2018 games
The International Olympic Committee recently eliminated Lawrence from the list of possible host cities competing for the 2018 Winter Olympics. After an extensive application process, Lawrence made the first cut, which narrowed the list to 12,876 cities worldwide. However, the committee failed to move Lawrence to the second round of the selection process, citing the city's apparent "flatness" and lack of a ski area within a 600-mile radius.
BenRoss
Quin Snyder buys red lace Valentine's lingerie 'for wife'
Missouri basketball coach Quin Snyder reportedly bought an article of lingerie yesterday at a Kansas City area Victoria's Secret with the explanation of "It's for my wife."
Snyder is rumored to enjoy the delicate, silky comfort of female undergarments. He reportedly entered the store about 10 a.m. yesterday and began browsing the displays, occasionally rubbing an article gently against his cheek before being approached by.
employee Janice Schubert.
"I just asked him if he could use any help, like I do with all customers," she said. "He got real jumpy and shot back that he was buying it for his wife for Valentine's day. Then he started playing with his hair a lot, which I guess calmed him down, because after that he started asking all these questions."
Snyder
Schubert continued to work with Spyder for the following hour, answering all of his detailed queries, most of which centered around "his wife's comfort" in each particular article. Eventually, Schubert was able to direct Snyder to a red lace, special Valentine's edition teddy in Mrs. Snyder's size, which was reportedly about the size of Snyder himself.
He also bought a bottle of scented hair gel.
— Greg Zielinski
SATIRE FOR ALL
Tongue in Beak is starting a reader's forum. The topic will change each week. Next week will be "Limericks for All." Please send your limericks to jayplay@kansan.com, but no Nantucket references, please. Include your name and a phone number with your submission.
Kansan editors reserve the right to omit comments. Slanderous and obscene statements will not be printed.
INSIDETODAY
DVD popularity decreases rewinding offense, 7A
Mary J. Blige addresses KU budget crisis,
preparing axion drama department 1C
proposes axing drama department, 1C
forms a team to maintain status of third
Area stoner maintaining state of highest alert for possible terrorist attacks, 420J
Freshman talks to Collison
After chance encounter, student reports that basketball star is dreamy
By Andy Marso
Kansan satire writer
Laura Burns was extremely excited after reportedly encountering Kansas basketball player Nick "Yummy Tummy" Collison outside of Wescoe Hall yesterday afternoon.
"I just walked out of class and there he was," said Burns, Hutchinson freshman. "Nick's really good at basketball, and he's such a hottie."
Burns reported that the two spoke for "at least, like, ten minutes."
"I think we really made a connection," she said. Onlooker Richard Lang, Wichita sophomore, disagreed.
"She cornered him outside Wescoe and started
babbling all this stuff about how much she loved basketball," Lang said. "Collison had this kind of 'deer-in-the-headlights' look, but he'd nod every and then."
Kansas assistant coach Neil Dougherty confirmed that Collison had a history of such encounters.
"Nick has come to me for advice about dealing with the women that are always chasing him." Dougherty said. "It's not just him though, almost everybody on the team goes through it. Well, maybe not Zerbe."
Burns admitted that Collison was not the only basketball player she had spoken to.
"Nick is probably my favorite, but I try to talk to the other ones too," she said while clutching a small team picture she keeps for easy identification of the players. "But sometimes they try to hide in those big hooded sweatshirts, which I think it just so cute."
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY CHRISTINE NEFF/KANSAN
Laura Burns, Hutchinson freshman, in front of Wescoe Hall during a chance encounter with Kansas basketball player Nick Collison. Burns said she enjoyed stalking Collison the most.
Valentine's tips
Tongue in Beak presents
By Greg Zielinski Kansan satire writer
- When receiving a Valentine, remember that it's the thought that counts, as long as the thought says "Hallmark" on the back. Otherwise, it's total crap.
- Valentine's Day, or the Feast of St. Valentine, was originally established by early Christians to incorporate a popular, pre-existing pagan holiday into their dogma. This information will in no way be of use to you or anyone else, much like that history degree you're working on.
- The Beatles once said "Money can't buy me love" and "Love is all you need." So why not let me get rid of all that useless green paper cluttering your pockets?
- Valentine's Day is a popular time for marriage proposals. If you are a college student planning to "pop the question," this may be a good day to snap out of it and start appreciating the quality singles around you.
- "Dirty" Valentines can be a fun and exciting way to celebrate the holiday, though you should first be sure that the object of your affections will not be offended by your card. Play it safe by first asking them,
"Would it bother you if I told you I think about you when I masturbate?"
- Listening to romantic love ballads while flipping through old pictures and enjoying a bottle of wine with your significant other is a great way to solidify your relationship. If you've just broken up, it can help solidify your
resolve to chase that wine with loads of barbiturates.
- If, while exchanging Valentines in class, you happen to notice the shy, quiet kid's box is empty, point it out loudly to the amusement of the other children. This way, 20 years from now you'll be able to say that you knew the "Valentine's Day Slasher" back before he was famous.
- When asking someone out with a note, be sure that it's clear which box should be
Otherwise, you may unwittingly end up on a date with Pat Buchanan.
- You really can't go wrong giving candy to your special someone, unless of course your special someone is a Mogwai
and it's past midnight. In which case, also try to keep them out of water.
- While candy hearts emblazoned with the phrase "Hot Stuff" may be a fun, cute substitute for traditional paper Valentines, they are not a good substitute for the warning labels in your chemistry lab
- This year, instead of buying expensive jewelry, you could make her a cute necklace with Fruit Loops and string. And instead of buying her flowers, you could give her some pretty pine cones you found. And instead of having an appreciative girlfriend that loves you, you could masturbate alone to the Shakira video.
Contact Zielinski at editor@kansan.com
HUGHES SYMPOSIUM
Predator 2' fans disrupt Glover's Langston Hughes speech
Danny Glover's visit to the Lied Center last Thursday took a surprising turn after Predator 2 fans interrupted his speech on Langston Hughes.
Glover repeatedly told the crowd he was not there to discuss his fictitious battle with an alien man hunter, but the crowd would not relent. The struggle between Glover and the audience began to resemble the shoot out between the
police and the Colombian drug cartel in Predator 2.
drug caterpillar 2.
Glover finally put a stop to it by saying, "Okay, okay, who wants to hear some Hughes poetry?"
The room was silent.
But when he said, "Who wants to talk about Predator 2?" the room was filled with cheers.
Predator 2, released in
1990, also starred Gary
Busey and Ruben Blades.
Some critics have said Glover
Glover
turned what was a trivial sequel into a work of high drama.
It was later discovered that all 1,829 members of the Lied Center audience were card-carrying members of the Predator World Online Fan Club. Some fans came from as far away as Cleveland.
Glover's response to the evening was surprisingly good.
"I love Langston Hughes' poetry, but I also love my fans," he said. "I never knew that Predator 2 was loved by so many people. I'm glad I could make them happy and it was really cool kicking that alien's ass."
— Jonathan Trackwell
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
Weekly Specials
Stu's
TONIGHT!
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
"See Club for Details
FRIDAY Live dancing
BADA BING
Live dancing
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
Amateur Night Live Dancing
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
retro night/ No cover all night
$3 Martinis
BAMBINO'S
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
$2 micros and imports
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
CADILLAC RANCH HARBOUR LIGHTS
$1 anything
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
JACK FLANIGANS
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cans, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws
$1.75 premium draws
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
JAYHAWK CAFE
$2.50 Import bottles
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
2-For-1 almost anything
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
J. B. STOUTS
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt..
Beam & Skyy drinks
$2 welts, $3 doubles, $2
domestic bottles, $2 shots!
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
5¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$2 Anything
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
JET LAG LOUNGE
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
$2 domestic bottles
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
STU's
YACHT CLUB
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$3 pitchers, free bar bur,
$1.50 house shots, live bands
$1.00 almost anything
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$4.75 doubles, live DJ,
$2.50 walls
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$2 domestic big beers
$1.25 16oz draws
$1.75 domestic big beers
$12.50 16oz doubles of Long Island $4 for 48 oz picketers. $32 big ice loaf Tees and Long Beach Tees. Draws: $12, 10 oz draw. $10, 10 oz draw.
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$2 all bottles, free pool
$1.50 pins,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25c
wings, live music @ 9pm
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
Country Western Bar
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