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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkelhess@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2002
BRIEFLY
University of Kansas ranked among top five in state by Princeton Review
The latest edition of the Princeton Review has ranked the University of Kansas among the top five state-sponsored universities in Kansas.
The University of Kansas shares this
esteered honor with schools such as Ft. Hays State, Emporia State and Kansas State University and DiplomasByMail.com,
www.diplomasbymail.com.
An overjoyed Chancellor Robert Hemenway said he was planning to market the
ranking to National Merit Scholars.
KU was ranked number five
New easy-to-use e-mail address selected for incoming freshman
Incoming freshman will no longer have ku.edu e-mail addresses. The University of Kansas Board of Computers and Technology voted unanimously to change all KU e-mail accounts to
yourname@ku.falcon.kansas.cc.ukans.jav-hawk.starbucks.lawrence_campus.eagle.edu. the move is aimed at easing the process of
The move is aimed at easing the process of computer integration for incoming freshman.
Students may reserve their e-mail addresses on the new server by going to www.ku.edu.
Contormity scare unnerves residents of Hashinger Hall
Ben Ross
A large number of Hashinger Hall residents were shaken yesterday by rumors of some form of conformity occurring in their residence hall.
"It was kinda hard for me to imagine that this kind of thing could happen here," said Brian Ershwain, Mission Hills sophomore. "So I knew something had to be done to stop it, whatever it was."
About 30 concerned residents, aiming to scare off any conformist conspirators, rushed to their rooms to get bongos and guitars. They met in front of the residence hall and sang their favorite songs about individuality.
songs about it,
"It was a great effort by us kids," said a freshman who asked to be called Sunshine. "And when I saw everyone in tie-dyed shirts and wearing sandals out front, I knew no conformity could occur here. We had won the day."
Although no one is sure where the rumors began, residents are confident that together they can withstand all forms of conformity.
Adrian Zink
INSIDETODAY
Kansan scooped, again, 4A
Jazzhaus to offer jazz once a month, 29R
Luge aficianado eager for knowledge to become relevant, 2L
Super Bowl wrap up: Salsa 35, Bean Dip 17, see complete coverage on page 1G
By Joshua Carmichael Kansan satire writer
Wescoe named national eyesore
Beloved campus building Wescoe Hall was named to the National Registry of Eyesores and Monstrosities in a ceremony Monday.
Wescoe joined an enviable list of other famous eyesores such as the Los Angeles County Landfill.
Robert C. Ashton, director of the registry, said Wescoe was very deserving of the honor.
"It's bunker-like appearance and interesting choice of building materials really say it all, not to mention the landscaping." he said.
Chancellor Robert Hemenway beamed at the recognition ceremony.
arms is without a doubt the best thing to happen to KU since the NCAA championship in 1988,"he said.
Along with Wescoe's addition to the registry, a new museum is planned for the third floor, complete with a gift shop. Developers expect the commemorative paperweights, made from the cracked sidewalks surrounding the building, to be a popular item.
a poplar building in the
Daniel Howard, curator of the
museum, said he thought tourists would
flock to Wescoe.
"We'll be offering tours of the classrooms as well as the offices, and we'll be selling souvenirs in the gift shop," he said.
Sarah Fischer, graduate teaching assistant in English, agreed with Howard.
"The museum should be a success," she said. "Who wouldn't want to see where English teachers work?"
Contact Carmichael at editor@kansan.com.
SARA SHEPHERD/KANSAN
Two students pause during a romantic stroll across campus to marvel at the beauty of Wescoe Hall. The building was recently named to the National Registry of Eyesores and Monstrosities.
STUDENTS ATTEND CLASS MODERATELY OR NOT AT ALL 0-2 Classes per week*
- Based on a survey of 1,459 KU Students. Survey administered by Class Attendence Resistance Education.
4 of 5 students attend class moderately or not at all
By Ben Ross Kansan satire writer
A recent survey of the KU student body indicated that four out of five KU students attend class moderately or not at all.
Those who do go to class attend seldomly, typically going to one or two classes per week during an 18-week semester.
"When I came to KU, I was afraid that I would be overwhelmed by the peer pressure to attend class," said Bob Smith, Tonganoxie freshman, from his top bunk during a commercial break from a The Price is Right rerun. "But here, going to school is like totally uncool."
Smith then rummaged through a pile of ketchup packets and beer cans on his coffee table in search of the remote.
The Lawrence chapter of Class Attendance Resistance Education, reported that students have learned to counter the pressure to attend class by engaging in extracurricular activities such as watching television or smoking pot.
"This study shows that students aren't giving in to the temptation to attend class," said Lt. Jack Smith, the CARE officer with the Lawrence Police Department. "This is a positive step, but we've got a long way to go in the fight against attendance."
Contact Ross at editor@kansan.com.
Student finally calls Matthews by first name
Rv Brad Weiner
Kansan satire writer
The incident occurred at a concert held at Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Mo.
Last week, Samantha Gregory called rock icon Dave Matthews by his first name for the first time.
The move sparked frustration from
"I doubt that Dave heard her, but maybe he did. Dave is a musician and all," Beluga said. "He loves his fans, and we love him."
A friend, Josh Beluga, Overland Park junior, attended the show with Gregory, and said she screamed "I love you Dave!" from the top level of the arena immediately after playing one of his signature sex ballads.
other concert-goers. One fan, who refused to be identified, said that Gregory was drunk and kept screaming song requests to "Dave" at the top of her lungs.
"It is called the Dave Matthews Band for a reason," the man said. There are four other guys on that stage."
The Dave Matthews Band is one of the biggest acts in rock music, selling out venues coast to coast with its blend of rock, rhythm and blues and jazz.
Matthews refused comment but referred reporters to the Web site, www.davematthewsisgod.com, that said "Dave only likes to be called Dave when he is in true moments of Daveness. One must be sure of this state before calling him Dave, otherwise it could sabotage future possibilities of Daveiosity."
Contact Weiner at editor@kansan.com
SARA SHEPHERD/KANSAN
Samantha Gregory, Overland Park junior, stands next to the poster of her favorite singer, Dave Matthews.
THANKS, JAN!
The Tongue in Beak would like to thank Jan Beecher, Hill City, who came up with the winning name in our "Name that satire page" competition.
Beecher, 60, is a regular reader of the University Daily Kansan and loves the Free for All. Her daughter, Amy Beecher Mirecki, assistant to the dean for advancement, sends her mother a packet of Kansan every week.
Beecher said she thought of the "Beak 'am" T-shirts when she came up with the winning name.
"I think because my husband is a high school English teacher, I used the first thing that came to mind, which is 'Toungue in Cheek,' she said
Thanks, Jan, for naming our page.
Matt Merkel-Hess
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so you'll never miss a special!
BADA BING
$3 Martinis
BAMBINO'S
$2.00 Jaeger shots Live dancing
$3 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
ntoptie. No cover all night
CADILLAC RANCH HARBOUR LIGHTS
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama
Mamas
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything.
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
JACK FLANIGANS
$2 micros and imports
$2.00 Jaeger shots Live dancing
$1 anything
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$2.50 Import bottles
JAYHAWK CAFE
J. B. STOUTS
Seafood Menu,
21 and over night
JET LAG LOUNGE
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$3 dble Capt., Beam, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
STU'S
$1 Busch & Miller HI Lite cans, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$1 dom draws, $1.50 micro draws,
$1.75 premium draws
2-For-1 almost anything
Glass Night - you keep the glass and get cheap refills
$1.75 dom. bottles, $3.25 micro beer liters, $3.75 premium liters
$2 Anything
$2 imports, $1.50 Capt., Beam & Skyy drinks
Wine & Cheese Night - 1 wine is featured with an entree
$4 pitchers,
$1.50 house shots
WEDNESDAY
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
$2.50 domestic bottles,
$3 import bottles
$2 domestic bottles
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
$2 16oz draws
Bud/Bud Light, Mich. Lights
$3.25 16 oz doubles of Crown and Captain
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2.75 Boulevard pints
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$3 premium bottles. $2.75 call
drinks. $4 doudy
$1 Pabst Blue Ribbon pint
<20¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$1.00 almost anything
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$1.50 domestic pints
$4 for 48 oz pitchers, $3 32 oz big
draws, $2 16 oz draws, $1 10 oz draw
$2 wells, $3 doubles wells
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
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