6B
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
- Questions or comments? Contact Matt Merkel-Hess, satire editor, at 864-4810 or mmerkell@kansan.com.
THETONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 2002
BRIEFLY
Ambler welcomes new students to University
In a strongly worded written statement, David Ambler, vice chancellor of student affairs, said he was "pleased to learn that you have been admitted to the University."
Ambler continued his emotional statement by informing you of the opportunities and resources that would be available to you if you chose to attend KU. He then offered a brief explanation of the "exceptional on-campus housing options," assigned you a student number and revealed his hope to see you on campus
his hope to see you on campus next year.
Ambler
Ambler concluded the statement by pledging to "do all in (his) power to ensure that you have a successful career at KU."
Sober individual willingly consumes Burrito King
A Burrito King was consumed last night by a Lawrence man who allegedly had no trace of drugs or alcohol in his system.
Authorities said Mike Ferguson, a 24-year-old graduate student, was neither drunk, stoned, nor under the influence of hard drugs when he consumed the burrito.
Eyewitness accounts described the burrito as a steak burrito king with lettuce, tomato, onion and sour cream. Ferguson also ordered a large Dr Pepper and an extra tub of hot sauce.
Ben Ross
INSIDETODAY
- Bush's package stimulates porn industry, 4C
- Pack rat throws something away, 1L
- NOTICE RENTERS: It's that time of the month at Property Management Services, 4M
By Joe Stephenson
Kansan satire writer
Students'days in Lawrence may be numbered.
On Tuesday, the Lawrence City Commission will vote on whether to allow University of Kansas students to live within city limits.
"Those college kids ruin everything," said Mike Pelger, a community activist. "They have parties that wake up neighbors, they increase traffic problems and, in groups of three or more, terrify the elderly."
Pelger, a life-long Lawrence resident, heads Concerned Residents Against College Kids, a group that
CRACK has complained in the past about the residence halls and beer cans littering the student ghetti.
aims to get students out of town.
"Putting out-of-control kids in large groups is like putting a powder keg next to a fire." Pelger said.
Mayor Mike Rundle said today's kids weren't the same as when he was a KU student in the 1970s.
"We were much more peace-loving back then," said Rundle, a manager at The Community Mercantile Co-op, 900 Iowa St. "We did stuff like starting the Lawrence Barn Dance Association and have peace rallies. Now these kids just want to throw their trash everywhere."
Commissioner Marty Kennedy, owner of Kennedy Glass, 730 New Jersey St., said he didn't care where
students lived, as long as they continued to break windows.
Pelger's movement has seen little opposition because of the political apathy of college students.
"Aguy really wants all the students out of Lawrence, for real?" he said. "Are you blowin' smoke up my ass? What a cranky old fart."
apart from Jimmy "Kegger" Cardon, Dodge City sophomore, was surprised at CRACK's motives.
The commission meets at 6:35 p.m. Tuesday at City Hall, 6 E. Sixth St.
Contact Stephenson at editor@kansan.com.
Spanish 'like whole other language' for student
By Adrian Zink Kansan satire writer
Josh Smithson, Olathe sophomore, had no idea what was in store for him when he enrolled in Spanish 104.
"I go in there the first day and the teacher starts speaking all this gibberish," Smithson said. "Then she starts showing us all these different ways to say words we already know, but in ways I've never seen before. It's like she's trying to teach us a different language or some crap."
Smithson wasn't alone in his troubles.
Many students were confused by the replacement of familiar words with different-sounding words.
Bend junior. "I mean, that's enough Spanish for me."
"I thought we were just going to learn stuff like 'taco' and 'guacamole,'"said Janet Huffey, Great words.
Natalia Calderon, Granada, Spain, graduate teaching assistant in Spanish, said learning another language would open students' minds.
"You'll be able to meet new people, go new places and understand the menu at Taco Bell," she said. "Si, se puede."
Smithson said he definitely would not be learning any new languages.
"I can't tell if she's trying to be funny or if she doesn't like us, but this has got to stop," he said. "Next thing you know, my biology teacher will start referring to it as biologia or something silly like that."
Contact Zink at editor@kansan.com
Michael Leonard/KANSAN
Josh Smithson, Olathe sophomore, tries to remember his new Spanish grammar skills before ordering at Taco Bell, 1101 W. Sixth St.
Kansan Classified Continued
430 - Roommate Wanted
1 BR/1 BA in a r BR/3 BA Townhouse. Leanna-
Mar Townhomes $265/mo. 1/4 util. February
rent paid 218-4832.
1 person to share 3 BD/2 BA apartment in Tuckaway. Available immediately! Call 842-8353.
Fem. Roommate, 3 BR Condo. $290 Rent. $100
dep. No pets. Ref. 9th and Emery. Natalie 843-
6178.
Fem. Roommate, 3 BR townhouse $25 Rent,
$100 dep. Pets 6. Pets or yr lease, Ref. Dawn
331-427. Cell 784-0046
430 - Roommate Wanted
Male roommate wanted to share nice 2 BR apartment in The Greens. $300/mo includes washer/dryer & separate bathroom. 341-1535
Fun roommate wanted male/female, non-smoker. $280 plus 1/3 of utilities. Call Joy at 218-5018.
Third roommate wanted ASAP for 3 bedroom townhouse. $300/month + utilities. Call $30-9051.
M/F Roommate Wanted. $235 mo. + 1/4 utilities,
close to campus, on Mass St. Call 832-8435
or 760-0598
1 BR in 3 BIR 2 BA townhouse in Parkway Gardens.
On bus route Avail, now w/D, W/ kitchen.
w/D. Fireplace. 1 mo. free 60 m/yr.lease.
$20/mo + 1/3伙餐. Guests 832-1044.
440 - Sublease
1BR Sublease available now. Washer, Driller,
Hight Point house. Call 331-7898.
Recycle Your Kansan
Female roommate wanted 3 blocks from the Kansas University. Large house in the area. Call Halley 218-100.
Sub-Less available immediately. High
Bathroom. Walk-in bathroom, patio W/ 2
$500 per month. Call Mark 216-798-3482.
CLOTHING WAREHOUSE SALE
SUPER Studio Apt. 13th & Vermont, Perfect for 1, great porch, A/C, walk to KU&Mss, pots avail. 6/1, $330/mo. 769-128 or 789 Roommate needed. Jefferson Campus, furious room! 54 students, males over 21, $330/mo. only electric, free internet. Carlos 843-6292 or cluster@ku.edu.
Sublease Available mid February. 2 BR, 1.1/2 BA, $445/mo. Water & trash included. Call Laurie for details. 841-8842
1 DAY ONLY
THURSDAY
JANUARY 31
*0 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.*
VISA
Weekly Specials
Tear this out and pin it up all week so youll never miss a special!
BADA BING
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt. Live dancing
*See Club for Details
$2.00 Jaeger shots Live dancing
$3 Martinis
BAMBINO'S
$2.00 Jaeger shots Live dancing
$1 big beers &
$1double wells
CADILLAC RANCH
$3 jumbo (32 oz) Bahama Mamas
$2 jumbo(32 oz)
margaritas
$2.50 pitchers, $2 wells,
two night/ No cover all night
$1.00 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live Dancing
$2.50 Bloody Mary's
$1.50 Miller High Life bottles,
$3.00 22oz. Rolling Rocks
$2 micros and imports
JACK FLANIGANS
$1 anything
HARBOUR LIGHTS
Amateur Night Live Dancing
$1 Bud/ Bud Lt.
Live dancing
Seafood Menu, 21 and over night
$.75 draws, $1.50 dom liters,
$2.25 almost anything,
$1.50 big beers,
$1.50 wells
Cajun Menu and $1.50 u-call-its
JAYHAWK CAFE J.B. STOUTS
$1 Bud/Bud Lt.
Live dancing
$1.50 Miller High life bottles,
$3.00 22oz, Rolling Rock longnecks
$2.00 Rolling Rock longnecks
$1 Busch & Miller Hi Life cane, $1.50
wells, $2.75 doubles, live music
$1.50 premium drawes
$1.75 dom, bottles, $3.28 micr
liter, $3.55 premium liters
$2 Killian's Red and Bud Lite Schooners
$9.75 KC Strip dinner
$3 Stoli drinks
Boulevard Night!
$1 Pale Ale pints
$1 anything
No Cover for Ladies
$3 dble Capt., Bear, Skyy,
$1.50 Mngr's call bottles
1/2 price potato skins
$2.75 Long Island Iced Tea
$2.50 Import bottles
$2 Anything
1/2 price 12 oz Big Burgers, $2 Boulevard Pints
$3 premium bottles, $2.75 call drinks, $4 double calls
$1.50 Bud, Bud Light and Michelob bottles
JET LAG LOUNGE STU'S
SIN Night, $1.50 domestic draws, $1 house shots
$1.50 well drinks, $2 pints,
$2.25 margaritas
$2 wells, $3 doubles, $2 domestic bottles, $2 shots!
$2.50 Fat Boy domestics
25¢ Wings, $2 Big Beers
$2 domestic bottles
YACHT CLUB
$1.00 almost anything
$2.75 Boulevard pints
$1.75 domestic bottles,
$2.50 micro bottles
$2 domestic bottles
$2 wells,$3 doubles wells
$1.50 pints,
$2.50 Big Ones (25 oz)
Check out Kansan.com for more drink, food and entertainment specials with profiles of Lawrence's bars and restaurants.
$2 wells, $3 doubles, 25¢
wings, live music @ 9 pm