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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com. Or send smoke signals.
马
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2003
Lindsey Gold/Kansan
Pirate ship lands on campus
Several leagues removed from Clinton, Lawrence pirate the Nefarious sits with his cabin boy pining away for a woman he calls "The Sea Goddess."
By Natty Bumppo beak@kansan.com Kansan Jayplay writer
An early morning windstorm swept a ship full of Clinton Lake pirates all the way to the lawn of Strong Hall yesterday.
The pirates, who said they spend their time hunting sharks and searching for the lost treasure of the Wakarusa River Valley, were swept atop the concrete seas of campus in the process of a routine raid on Potter Lake. The men looked as if they had not bathed in days. KU sailing tattoos festooned their arms.
"I've sailed all kinds of man-made reservoirs and been in all kinds of seaports, but this here is the scurviest," said a man who claimed he was Captain Redbeard's Bastard Son. "All of a sudden tuition is up 18 percent, I'm all out of Admiral Nelson, and some kid with a coat hanger in her hair hit me with a free frisbee from Office Depot."
University talked to self, literally
By Patrick Cady
beak@kansan.com
Kansan Jayplay writer
In the wake of the loss of its former Men's Basketball coach, Roy Williams, the University of Kansas seemed to be on the verge of losing its mind.
"It was at the same time fascinating and truly truly disturbing," said Mort Garflunkle, Professor of Pop Psychology and author of 120 Devious Strategies To Win At Bridge. "The university, the trees, bushes and even squirrels seemed to have manifested their own collective consciousness—and it was talking to itself."
Faculty and students first noticed the phenomenon a week ago Tuesday after Williams flew to North Carolina to take the Tar Heel's vacant coaching job.
"When I came to my Calculus last week, I heard this weird sort of grumbling on campus," said Jill Meahle, Kansas City, Kan. freshman. "Needless to say, it freaked me out. On Friday I could actually make out words. Never would've thought the entire campus could vocalize, dadgum it."
Garfunkle said campus quieted down Monday following the hiring, ironically enough, of former Illinois basketball coach Bill Self.
Eric Braem/Kansan
In addition to bringing several assistant coaches to the University of Kansas, newly-hired men's basketball coach Bill Self announced that he would also be accompanied by a slew of bad puns
squirrel
In a recent move that has surprised many,including the company itself, AT&T announced last Monday that it would lay off about 2,000 more people than the total number listed on its payroll.
Mirian Graddick-Weir, Executive Vice President of Human Resources, said the discrepancy could be due to the use of separate databases for employee compensation and benefits, or possibly to a lag in updating their records of
AT&T fires more employees than it thought it had in most recent round of layoffs
Others offer an additional theory. An alleged internal company memo by CEO Dave Dorman is rumored to indicate the ordered termination of several people who are actually listed as employees of Sprint, SBC, and Lucent.
Many within and outside the company became curious about the announcement after comparing figures.
"I guess firing someone else's employees could increase efficiency," joked Kent Hodgemann, an MCI Worldcom consultant. As of press date, these rumors could not be denied or confirmed.
recent hires.
-Terry Pliwick
BRIEFLY
The Easter Bunny, candy distributor and occasional Lawrence resident, was believed to be the the
DEA arrests Easter Bunny
One of the most beloved holiday figures was arrested on drug charges when the Kansas Drug Enforcement Agency kicked in the door of the Easter Bunny late Sunday evening.
The Easter Bunny
prime target of a DEA raid carried out on April 20, or 4/20, a day typically associated with marijuana use.
The Easter Bunny was implicated after Lawrence Police discovered someone had filled plastic eggs filled with pieces of hash and hidden them all over
Lawrence citizens were saddened about the incident. "Dude," said Lyle Jackson, Kwik Shop employee. "They arrested the Easter Bunny."
"The timing of this arrest is preposterous," said William H. Davis, The Easter Bunny's attorney. "If they want to nail someone, they should get the tooth fairy. She's been hopped up on painkillers so long she doesn't know an incisor from a candy corn."
South Park.
"We think that KU students have the right to see the pictures of things we think are wrong," said President T.J. Throckmorton, El Dorado junior about his group "We'd also like to open their minds to the use of coinage to show scale, whenever possible."
The group's debut will be a McDonald's menu/photo exhibit on the aftermath of sexual self-stimulation. Students will be warned of the display as they approach with placards that read "Caution: Oil Spill Photos Ahead."
The illicit eggs were found by parents of several children who had mistaken the contents for shriveled jelly beans, eaten them, and wandered to the swing sets to eat pounds of chocolate.
Later that afternoon, attendants at the Jayhawk Food Mart called Police to report funny behavior on part of The Bunny, saying he had tried to for his nachos in color cellophane-wrapped chocolate pieces known as "Bunny Munny."
Senate recently approved funding for a new political O&L group called Jayhawks Aimed at Grossing In Fickle Freshmen (JAGOFF).
The Easter Bunny, who has no prior convictions, said he was only trying to spread cheer in a college town. DEA officials were unsympathetic and called the arrest their most important in the recent "If you think it's dry now, wait until Easter," campaign.
New Student Group aims to inform, disgust
"We think conjuring horrific mental images by using wording similar to, but distinct from, what we are showing is a great way to 'prime' the audience for the coup de grace," Throckmorton said. Other planned exhibits include "VOMIT: It's All on You," and "Michael Jackson: The Nose."
-Sam Hopkins
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