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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com. Or send smoke signals.
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 17, 2003
'I'm leaving,'announces senior
photo by Kelley Weiss/Kansan
By Lucas Wetzel
beak@kansan.com
Kansan Jayplay writer
Despite delivering the momentous news that she would leave the University after graduation, Jill Harrah's impromptu press conference drew an attendance of zero. "I don't expect you to understand," Harrah told a cluster of empty seats at Stauffer-Flynt yesterday.
In a hastily-called press conference yesterday afternoon, soon-to-be graduating senior Jill Harrah began with two simple words: "I'm leaving."
The phrase was followed by a silence, due in part to the emotional nature of the announcement, and in part to the complete emptiness of the room.
"No syndicated columnists, no bitter t-shirts, no flags at half-mast, no nothing," she said. "Nobody gave a muck."
"When I decided to go to college after high school, coming to KU was the right thing," said Harrah, Andover senior. "Now that I've completed my degree, leaving KU is the right thing."
Although Harrah anticipated an emotional evening, she was disappointed by the lack of public response.
The only student reactions about Harrah's decision came in the form of chalk markings on Wescoe Beach that read, "Jill is a strumpet," and "Jill played vo-vo with my emotions."
James McCartney, Las Vegas junior and Harrah's boyfriend of 15 months, later admitted to the chalk writing.
"Three months ago she said she might stay for graduate school, and then she pulls this (expletive)." he said.
McCartney vowed to undertake an "aggressive search" for a new girlfriend, saying he had narrowed the list to the girl from his sociology class, his little sister's roommate, and former Kansas basketball player Kevin Pritchard.
Harrah was equally upset about the press conference, but for different reasons. She said that despite being a phenomenal student, Chancellor Robert E. Hemenway had made virtually no effort
to retain her at the University.
"Hemenway all but dressed up as Lisa Loeb and sang 'Stay' to Roy Williams, but he didn't say boo to me," Harrah said. "All I asked was for him to fire my math teacher, but no dice."
After the conference, former Athletics Director Al Bohl was seen listlessly walking around the statue of Icarus behind Nichols Hall, a yellow marshmallow Peep in hand.
"This bird had a tongue, and could peep once," he said. "Alas, Icarus, I knew him well."
Online enrollment: tips for easy (K)use
This April, the University of Kansas offered online enrollment for the first time. In order to clear up last-minute confusion, Project Manager Robert "Topsy" Turvey submitted a list of common problems to the Tongue in Beak in a Question/Answer format.
Q: How does online enrollment work?
A: The KU server sends student-selected course numbers via telex to a satellite dish in Puerto Rico. The satellite dish then projects the information to Space station Mir, where a copy of the class schedule is printed out and approved by Ukranian cosmonauts.
Q: What exactly is the Kyou portal?
Enrollment yesterday: Students line up outside Strong Hall, often for days on end. As a result of sub-zero degree temperatures, few survive.
A: Kyou is like Stargate, only instead of sending you to the pyramids, you wind up with a new schedule. In the future, Kyou will be personalized to sell you things. Many monkeys were lost in space in the designing of this portal.
Q: Is my Epassport valid for international travel?
A: Yes. Your Epassport can be used to travel to Mexico, Canada, and virtually any nation not currently under U.S. economic sanctions. Please clear all financial holds to avoid deportation and/or execution while abroad.
What happens if I have to go to the bathroom while enrolling online?
A: If you are in the school of Engineering, you will need a dean's stamp.
A: Learner is a new University employee who specializes in helping students set up and view their class schedules. However, Learner is ready and willing to offer additional services not listed on the Kyou portal. Inquiries can be sent to LrnrXXX@hotmale.com.
Q: Who exactly is the "Learner" and what are his/her "services?"
Q: When I try to enroll in Human Sexuality, the V-chip on my parents computer will not allow me to proceed. What do I do?
A: This is a result of a new amendment designed to protect average students from pornographic pop-up windows. Under the amendment, proposed by Sen. Susan Wagle (R-Wichita), all
Enrollment today: Using a space-age wormhole called the Kyou portal, a student enrolls in classes from the comfort of his planetarium.
students wishing to enroll in the course must meet with the street preacher on Wescoe Beach, who will then peer long and hard into their lost souls.
Q: If I set the date on my computer calendar forward, can I enroll ahead of my scheduled enrollment time?
A: No. Not only is that dishonest, but classes that do not exist will appear to be open. That is frustrating.
Q: I broke all of my fingers in an industrial accident and am unable to type. Can I enroll using my Texas Instruments Speak 'N Spell?
A: Of course. Simply plug your Speak'N Spell into a phone line, locate the online timetable on the LCD display, and go to Enroll & Pay. Good luck.
BRIEFLY
World's Largest Groundhog breaks free, sets fire to World's Largest Ball of Twine
In a fiery protest of Mt. Sunflower's recent demotion to "nub" status, The World's Largest Groundhog
World's Largest Groundhog
broke free of his confines near Oakley, grabbed the World's Largest Ball of Twine and set it aflame atop the mount before being talked down by authorities.
The Groundhog fled Prairie Dog Town last Friday after his friend, the five-legged cow, read him the screenplay to "Follow That Bird."
Adam Collingsworth, Oakley resident, said he and several friends followed the groundhog west
"That was inspiring," Collingsworth said. "After that, the groundhog broke out the moonshine and the cow started drinking like he had a hollow leg. Five of them, in fact. I thought Padre was fun, but it pales in comparison to Mt. Sunflower."
after seeing him level an entire grain elevator with the ball of twine.
The festivities ended once former senator Bob Dole journeyed to Mt. Sunflower to talk some sense into the gargantuan varmint. The Groundhog agreed to return to Prairie Dog Town after Dole promised him a free frosty mug at the A&W in Russell.
'Oracle' wins Pulitzer
The Oracle, the quarterly magazine of the Greek Community, received a top prize last week in the 87th annual Pulitzer Awards. The Oracle, which chronicles the life and times of Greek residents at the University of Kansas, won the top award in this year's mystery category. The prize-winning story, "Hollywood Greeks," matched up photos of KU fraternity and sorority residents with movie-star look-alikes.
Groundhog photo by Spencer Roberts. All stories by L Wetzel.
squirrel