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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2003
Hawksheets confuse voters
by Johan Novak/Kansan
"Did you remember to save? " asks Hawk coilition member Andre Rieu as he hands KUnited CLAS candidate and Beloit junior Eagan Waggoner copies of the Hawk Sheet.
By J.C. Hackmuth
beak@kansan.com
Kansas Janay纸writer
Although members of Delta Force and KUnited lined Jayhawk Boulevard yesterday to hand out free smiles and colorful sheets of paper, it was a third-party handbill that garnered the most voter enthusiasm.
The Hawk Sheet, a yellow coupon booklet handed out each Wednesday on campus, impressed voters with its variety of candidates and their individual campaign pledge.
"The other coalitions' handbills are just full of empty promises," Topeka freshman Jayden Applebee said. "The Hawk Sheet offers results you can eat, as well as high quality products and services from places like Nail Citi."
Among the Hawk Sheet's platform issues are a "Rent one movie, get one free" promise from off-campus candidate Miracle Adult Video and an "All-You-Care-ToEat-Buffet" plan from non-traditional incumbent Mr. Gatti's Pizza.
After familiarizing themselves with the issues supported by The Hawk Sheet, many voters were disappointed by their absence from the ballet
"I thought The Hawk Sheet meant the dawn of a new KU filled with Pizza Huts, Burger Kings and hair salons, but it was too good to be true" Applebee said.
In other Senate election news,
KUnited Presidential candidate Andy Knopp, Manhattan Junior, refused to admit that he had run into snags with the "Free campus busses" (sic) mentioned in KUnited-related chalk scribblings.
"Have you ever heard of the Magic School Bus?" asked Knopp. "Well we've got it. Except not really."
Knopp said KUnited would continue to build on Jonathan Ng's groundwork for a new Multicultural resource center. KUnited plans to have the center completed by the time current freshmen are senior citizens.
Despite missing the final presidential debate, Lord Wads remained proud of his coalition.
"Anyone who witnessed Peter "Pookie" Thornhill's plumber's crack during the bicycle jousts has a new understanding of royalty." he said.
Delta Force candidates were unavailable for comment, as they were busy recycling. Way to go, Recycle Force.
U.S. forces close in on Shredder
By Sam Hopkins
beak@kansan.com
Kansan Jayplaywriter
US Military Sources said Wednesday that they have taken control of the Technodrome, lair of the evil ruler Shredder.
"We have defeated Bebop and Rocksteady, and are ready to take on the more elite Foot Clan units scattered throughout the area," Lt. Gen. Tommy Franks, chief of the allied command, said. Shredder dismissed the claims of his impending overthrow in a deep, muffled voice from somewhere in the sewer: "In the name of Krang, we will repel our enemies decisively."
by Spencer Roberts/Kansan
The resolve of coalition troops has been strengthened recently by reports that Foot Forces have captured American reporter April O'Neill. They are seemingly not deterred by fears that Shreddder might possess illegal weapons, including a "big, spinning ballthing that shoots shurikens, which of course violates the Ninja Non-*roliferation Treaty of 1989," according to a
In an image taken from the new CBS Documentary: "Shredder: Rise of Evil," Shredder responds to a reporter's query about whether he enjoys penicillin on his pizza.
When asked how long it might be before Shredder is located, Franks replied, "It could be months, or a few minutes; it really depends on if I find my Game Genie, which I'm pretty sure is under my little brother's bed. When I
find it, though, 'Cowabunga, Shred- head!"
After the fall of the Technodrome, liberated denizens looted toy stores and melted plastic Shredder figures in the microwave to show their defiance.
Freshman girl regrets decisions from night before
Zima. Dongs. Greeks. Ping-Pong paddles. Bigotry. For most students these are the essential ingredients in a bunt cake of Saturday night fun. However, Allison Prell survives as an example of how, if improperly combined, these elements will bake a snickerdoodle of regret.
Of all the decisions Leawood Freshman Allison Prell has made in her young college career, the worst were consecutively made and inextricably linked last Saturday night. Prell recalls little after her fifth Zima Saturday night and little before finding herself in bed with a drifter Sunday morning. Nonetheless, much of the evening has survived thanks to numerous accounts from fellow students and local police.
"Before midnight I saw her puke in a pint glass. She washed her mouth out with Goldschlager and announced herself 'Queen Schlager.' It was all very funny until she started professing her deep hatred for all 'Greeks.' Not frat or sorority types. She apparently actually hates people from Greece," Lawrence resident Paul Mitchell said. The Mad Greek could not be reached for comment but is reportedly very angry.
Prell's most regrettable decisions came in the early hours Sunday morning when she decided to "perform" something she had seen just weeks earlier during Spring Break in Tijuana.
Her attempt at the famous "She-deviled egg," a failure, Prell reportedly found solace in the arms of Pizza Shuttle delivery driver and Athens, Greece senior Vangelis Papasassoon. "It was cool," said Papasassoon. "She said, 'I'll touch your dong for some pizza.' And I said, 'Yeah, baby. Here's some pepperoni! Then she found out I was Greek and kicked me in the junk." Papasassoon, reeking of feta cheese, lamented in a humorously heavy Mediterranean accent.
Kierkegaard once said, "do it or do not do it-you will regret both." Had Allison Prell properly "stuffed the 'She-deviled egg'", maybe she wouldn't have awoken Sunday morning behind the Granada on a deservedly abandoned futon with "Herb the Hippie Drifter".
"I don't even know what she was trying to do, but she had a Ping Pong paddle, shaving cream, a stapler and three hard-boiled eggs." said her best friend, Topeka freshman Ally Breck. "I was actually inside when I heard the screams. Apparently it didn't go well."
Maybe Allison Prell is a bigot. Maybe she is a drunk and trollop. Maybe she's not as dexterous with a Ping Pong paddle as Tijuana Tammy. Nevertheless, she is full of regret-deep, damaging regret. And isn't regret all that anyone should really expect out of a college freshman?
Nipsley Russell II
squirrel