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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, APRIL 3, 2003
Elections inspire weekend debauchery
By J.C. Hackmuth
beak@kansan.com
Kansan Jayplay writer
Thousands of revelers gathered in the streets last Saturday night to encourage high voter turnout in Tuesday's city commission elections.
With enthusiastic cries of "Votel!" and "Go shirtless for suffrage!" a frenzied group of registered voters waves to news media. "This is a crazy time of year," said Nick Samson. "New city officials are elected. Last second shots go down. Pontiac."
Cars lined Massachusetts Street and Jayhawk Boulevard as voters waved flags, exchanged high-fives and chanted "Final Four," referring to the final four days until election results would be announced.
Sadie Jenkins, Lawrence resident, said she was watching television when she heard shouts and honks outside her Oread Neighborhood home.
photo by Eric Braem/Kansan
"People were going crazy," said Lawrence senior James Marshall. "I saw one guy with a Mike Rundle sign challenge an August Lafayette Huber IV supporter to a game of Risk. Another guy took his shirt off, and it wasn't even that warm outside. Kansans just love their politics, I guess."
with signs reading "Hey W, you can't make up the rules as you go along."
Across the street at the Granada, campus Republicans scarfed bags of Taco Bell in a counter-protest.
"The local news networks had all this greenish footage of fireworks going off downtown," she said. "I figured it must be kids using the city elections as just another excuse to party."
Borrowing a line from Roy Williams' halftime remarks about officiating during the Arizona-Kansas matchup earlier that night, Anti-war protesters stood in front of Urban Outfitters, 1013 Massachusetts.
"We just feel like sometimes the other side isn't being told," said Stephen Richardson as he munched on a quesadilla. "Upgrade to steak."
While students and police officers smiled and cheered about upcoming poll visits, basketball fans did not have as much luck. KU fans who had camped out in South Park to symbolically show support for Jayhawks were removed from their sports-fan Hooverville by Lawrence
Police last Thursday.
"I don't understand," said Aaron Dylan, author of The New Anarchist Cookbook: Tuna Treats, Mono Nachos and other delectable game daysnacks. "I thought curfew laws didn't apply to basketball fans."
Meanwhile in Topeka, the KU Men's basketball team's return flight from California landed at Forbes Field at about 2:30 in the morning. The team was greeted by two unconscious fans, a cheerleader and a stray dog with a bugle. Kansas seniors called the welcoming party "What we get up for every morning of practice for four long years."
PERSPECTIVES
Cut down them trees
COMMENTARY
Ho Barris beak@kansan.com
When you come right down to it, most environmentalists aren't so different from the mother of that fat kid that grew up right down the street from you. You know the one I mean, little Fatty McPherson with the red face, who was constantly out of breath. He lost all the neighborhood games, but for some reason his mother always insisted that it was because you hadn't played fair. "Playing fair" usually meant making special allotments on account of little Fatty's "condition."
ask you, have we been unfair? Quite the opposite, the trees have been unfair. It's not like we ran right out and started hacking. No, we gave them a head-start, just like poor Fatty McPhrerson. We're not talking about a "count to a hundred" head start here, either. We're talking about a billion-year, count-to-three-zillion, we're-still-trying-to-crawl-out-of this-primordial-ooze head start. And what did the trees do? Absolutely nothing. They just sat there with smug grins on their not-faces. Occasionally one found a hiding place behind another tree, but that hardly qualifies as clever.
So it is with the trees, dear readers. 1
I think it's about time for the environmentalists to stop this train of injustice. All we're doing is creating inferiority complexes in trees. It would be far more noble to just break down and admit trees are damned poor at hide-and-seek. They can't play by our rules, they can't play at all.
And if they can't play by our rules, they can't play at all.
You leave the trees be!
COMMENTARY
I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees, which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please. I am shortish. And oldish. And brownish. And mossy. And I speak with a voice that is sharpish and bossy. Developer! I shout with a sawdusty sneeze. I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees, I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs. I grow very upset as I huff and I puff. What are these things you make from my Truffula tufu? I'm also in charge of the Brown Bar-bo-loots who played in the shade in their Bar-bo-loot suits.
The Lorax beak@kansan.com
And happily lived, eating Truffula Fruits. Now thanks to your hacking my trees to the ground, there's not enough Truffula Fruit to go round. And my poor Bar-ba-loots are all getting the crummies. Because they have gas, and no food, in their tummies. You say "business is business" and "business must grow." Regardless of crummies in tummies, you know. Developer, I cry with a cruelfulous croak. Developer, you're making such smogulous smoke! My poor Swomee swans, they can't sing a note! No one can sing who has smog in his throat. Now all that is left 'neath the badsmelling sky is your big empty factory, and you and I. And all that I'm leaving you with here in this mess is a smile pile of rocks and one word...UNLESS. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not. So plant a new Truffula. Treat it with care. Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. Grow a forest. Protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of my friends may come back.
and all or my friends may come back. Dr.Schuss
BRIEFLY
Dance! Dance! Revolution! fails to overthrow school of Journalism
While the second incarnation of the communist-themed dance party "Dance! Dance! Revolution!" was far from tragic, it did prove to be a farce. Red and black attire, solid turnout and spirited gyrations all failed to overthrow the administration of the William Allen White school of Journalism, which may be considering cutting the funding of proletariat-operated KJHK.
"The music was great, but I thought it was hypocritical of them to charge those of us wearing the wrong colors 2 extra dollars," said Susana Kubin, Lamata, New Mexico, senior. "What happened to from each according to ability, to each according to need?"
Lawrence's top drug cop actually a Mil-Spec security officer
Lawrence Police officials revealed yesterday that former officer Stuart "Mike" Peck's cases had been dismissed because he had obtained all evidence and interviews for the cases while working for Mil-Spec Security, off.
"When Peck stated he was a diligent and honest officer for 12 years,he stated the truth,"said Lawrence Police Chief Ron Olin."Unfortunately,he spent those 12 years working for Mil-Spec.
KU Junior Tiffany Lopez, who lives in a Mil-Spec patrolled apartment said, "This is indeed a sad event for the war on drugs, and our parking lot."
"Over Spring Break, giant terrorists played bacchi with the ball sculpture in front of Marvin Hall," read the e-mail. "To ensure the safety of faculty and students of a wide range of opinions, as well as the safety of the heirs of the Board of Regents, no aircraft will fly directly over Potter Lake, except for stunt Stealth Bombers owned by Coca-Cola." L.W.
In an e-mail released to faculty and students, University of Kansas Chancellor Robert Hemenway ordered a "no-fly zone" over Potter Lake.
Chancellor alerts staff, students of "No-Fly zone" over Potter Lake
squirrel