THURSDAY,APRIL3,2003
SEX
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN =7
Relationships change from cheating
COMMENTARY
You're back from spring break. Maybe you got hammered in Mexico or Europe. Maybe you went on a cruise or took the urban plunge with Alternative Breaks. A whole week away from school, work, family and the old ball and chain — and, boy, did you need it.
Patrick Ross
pross@kansan.com
But ... did you cheat? And I'm not talking taxes here. I'm talking about having sex or making out with someone other than your significant other.
Spending a week apart can be taxing on a relationship. The temptation to cheat can be ever-present in the nonstop party atmosphere that accompanies quite a few spring break trips. But what is cheating? What should you do if you have cheated or been cheated on? What happens to the relationship when one of you cheats? Why do we cheat?
First, let's define what cheating is. Peggy Elam, licensed psychologist and former president of the Nashville Area Psychological Association, says "If your (partner) doesn't know about it, would object to it and would be hurt finding out about it, it's cheating."
Making out is not OK if it would upset your partner. Even holding hands and cuddling are cheating in a way. Getting something out of a relationship that you are only supposed to get from someone you're dating is cheating. Of course, if there is an understanding between two partners that kissing or otherwise is acceptable, its not cheating.
According to a recent study done at the University of Vermont, 87 percent of partnered participants had fantasies about sexual relations with someone other than their partners within the last two months before the survey. When coupled with the fact that 97 percent of all mammals are polygamous, this raises questions about monogamy and the psychological impulses to cheat.
Being attracted to people other than your partner is natural. Keeping those feelings bottled up, however, is just asking for disaster. Two people who care about each other should feel comfortable discussing attraction to other people. Talking about things makes them solid and real and then they can easily be dismissed.
So you cheated, now what?
Honesty is probably the key here. You don't want your partner to find out from someone else. Telling on yourself as soon as possible will make it easier on you and the cheatee. If you know why you cheated, be up front about it. If it was a drunken mistake, 'fess up and chances are you'll be forgiven.
If there are deeper reasons, such as you're not getting all that you want out of your current relationship, discuss the best course of action with your partner. The most important thing is dialogue. Breaking up is rough, but if a person thinks he wasn't involved in the decision at all, that can cut deeply.
If you've been cheated on, Suzanne C. Saul, a psychologist with Meers, Inc. Consulting Psychologists, says, "The first thing to do is stay focused on attending to one's feelings, until the shock of the discovery begins to diminish."
Finding out your partner has a cheating heart is hard, and anger is sure to be the first response.
The two of you need to talk, but a yelling match will make things harder. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself or be too accusative of your partner.
If the relationship is relatively new, perhaps you both should move on. If there is a deep level of commitment, then it's time to make some tough decisions. If both of you want to stay together, a few counseling sessions wouldn't hurt.
If you're itching to cheat, talk to your partner. If you've cheated and it was just a big mistake, be honest and resolve never to do it again.
Being cheated on isn't the end of the world, but it sure can feel like it; delicacy is required.
Ross is a Topeka freshman in journalism.
GOT A SEX QUESTION?
E-mail Patrick Ross or Lindsey Hodel at pross@kansan.com or lhodel@ kansan.com. All names will be kept confidential and not used in print.