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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Questions? comments? Contact Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810 or beak@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
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WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 2003
Babysquirrels make for fine dining
The following column has been reprinted from the February issue of "Martha Stewart's Post-Apocalyptic Living: Entertaining for the New World."
Today, we're going to learn some easy and elegant ways of preparing fetal Sciurus Carolinensis, or, baby squirrels (brown or black). This recipe can be adapted for various flying squirrels and fox squirrels, but ground squirrels being the easiest of the genus to find at one's local grocery, the specifics refer to that particular variety of squirrel.
By Shena Wolf beak@kansan.com
Attaining the squirrels: Now, if your corner store is out of baby squirrels, I'd suggest first talking to the manager, and if that fails, attempt to run him over with your car. A good average speed is 30, maybe 35 mph. You can easily achieve this within the space of a parking lot, even with even the oldest of cars, provided you've taken care of the vehicle. Remember, transportation is important. Regular oil changes are vital to the survival of your car. When you have the offending manager in your sights, keep him/her in the middle of the windshield, which will cut down the risk of missing your target entirely. Even a glancing hit from a mid-sized sedan will be enough to imbed the experience in his or her memory for the rest of their natural life.
I DARE YOU TO EAT THIS
If reasoning and vehicular manslaughter fail to provide you with fetal squirrels, you can always go back to nature and catch your own. I use this mahogany squirrel-call, made with techniques learned from the roving bands of indigenous adolescent South Carolinans that I encountered during my safari across the United States a few years ago. The key thing is to ensure that the wood has been properly seasoned with the smoke of fresh willow branches and var-
The key thing is to ensure that the wood has been properly seasoned with the smoke of fresh willow branches and varnished with the blood of virgins
nished with the blood of virgins. Of course, if you don't have the time to make your own, you can always special-order one from a wholesaler. Try www.squirrel-calls.com or www.allvirginproducts.net. Be warned, articles bought from these sites will do the job, but don't expect miracles. Nothing beats handcrafted workmanship.
After you've acquired a squirrel-call, find a large burlap sack to put your catch in. I wove mine from horsehair hand-collected from my stable of Morgan-Arabian stallions. You can do similar work by carding and spinning wool collected from your lappdog or cat. Go into a heavily wooded area, burlap sack in hand, and use the squirrel-call. You should immediately be swarmed by baby squirrels. Pick only the healthiest and most
alert-looking squirrels: mad-squirrel disease is no longer a concern only to the English; it has invaded our shores and it is our responsibility as Americans to do our part to combat this. This means no catching and eating of mad baby squirrels. They can be angry, of course. That's perfectly all right.
Cooking: Once you get your bag of squirrels home, it's time to prepare the sauce. Use two cups of a dark merlot. This batch was made from grapes grown on my vineyard in Italy. You can use commercial wine, but it just won't be as good. Simmer with vodka and butter for about twenty minutes on low heat, then put aside for now. You'll want it to be slightly cooled before you top the baby squirrels. Now for the squirrels: Skin each baby squirrel to the tail, leaving it on the body for decorative purposes. Then spoon on enough sauce to completely cover each baby squirrel. Arrange the squirrels in a large broiling pan and broil for about 45 minutes at 350 degrees. After the 45 minutes is up, check to make sure that each skinned-baby-squirrel face shows an appropriate amount of shock. Appearance is everything with a dish like this one.
Presentation: Place each broiled baby squirrel in the middle of a cream, floral-patterned plate. Matching china is a must for every host or hostess, and if you have unmatched dishes, run to K-Mart immediately or the meal will be a complete disaster. I suggest my fall line. Arrange the squirrel in whatever posture you prefer, and cover with grilled walnuts, pecans, and other assorted nuts. Serve lightly chilled, and accompany with a light Zinfandel.
Wolf is a Waterville senior in culinary arts and animal science.
Scientists skeptical of crop circle containing the word 'Buttface'
A close-up of the letter "B" is shown in an aerial photo over a farm in Gloucester, England, where crop designs called Farmer Evans an unkind name.
photo courtesy of Farmer Evans
By Terry Pliwick
beak@kansan.com
Kansan Jayplay writer
Exobiologists and UFOlogists from around the world have doubts about the authenticity of a recently discovered crop circle near Gloucester, England.
Other researchers state that further testing, including electromagnetic field measurements at the site, observation of bend-angle at stem bases and a check for interweaving of stems, is required before the validity of the design can be confirmed conclusively.
Circle researcher Dr. Ian Lyssing explained why this circle falls within an unusual subset of cases. "Most crop circles do not contain actual English words in them, or for that matter, recognizable words of any language," he said. "At least not a language familiar to us, of course."
The recently created design contains the phrase "Farmer Evans is a Buttface," and also features an image of what appears to be a rough caricature of a man's face. This circle is one of hundreds that appear in wheat and other crop fields around the world every year.
squirrel
Dear Onion, why didn't anyone tell me you were my dad?
Dear The Onion,
I had a rude awakening last weekend. The kind of rude awakening no child should have. Even a naughty, frequently unfunny child like me. But now I know the truth. The truth about who my father is. And let me tell you, the truth hurts.
I went to Chicago last weekend. The Windy City. I used to think they named it that because of the wind, but really its because of an old political campaign. Did you know that, *The Onion*? I bet you did. I bet you know a lot of things. But you never told me, *The Onion*. You never said a word.
Anyway, when I was there, I saw something I'd never seen before. A free newspaper with satirical stories, with columns written about people who don't actually exist. I was shocked. Yes, The Onion, that something I saw was you.
And after asking around town, the truth came out. Apparently my philandering mother, The Kansan, had a little too much fun one New Year's Eve in Midway park and less than a few weeks later in a newsroom closet, I was born. When Mommy told me my papa was a rolling stone, I thought she meant my father was Rolling Stone magazine. But now I
know that it was you. Your clever headlines and doctored photos all but screamed "Tongue in Beak, I am your father."
You know the ending of *Empire Strikes Back* when Darth Vader says "I am your daddy" and Luke Skywalker yells back, "That's not true! That's impossible!"? Luke Skywalker looks awful in that scene. Part of that is because Mark Hamill got in a motorcycle accident before it was filmed, but another part is because he had just learned that his life was a lie.
I know how he feels. But I'm trying to be at peace with my role as a lyrical little leaguer, a Swedish turnip on a satirical peasant farm. Sometimes people demand I act more like you and cover serious issues like war, famine and Student Senate elections. And in the future, I will try to do this. In the meantime, please tell me you care. And for mom's sake, please quit swinging your steamin' renob around with those loose moralled college publications.
Fondly.
Your bastard child the collective Tongue in Beak staff